Satire Saturday - The Second Amendment

While some may argue that the Twenty Fifth Amendment, which provides the order of presidential succession, is the most important, I have always believed that the Second Amendment, which in part made the Twenty Fifth Amendment possible, is the greatest amendment known to man. I know some may see it as a constitutional relic of a bygone era, but it's not. It provides each and every citizen – regardless of race, gender, and, in some states, visual capability – with an important right, which is as unalienable as the right of each citizen to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That right? The right to bear arms.

But what of this question of the relevance of the Second Amendment to our modern world? The atrocious myth of irrelevancy is propagated by treasonous pussies. I am speaking, of course, about those individuals who believe the Second Amendment is outdated and impractical for a world where guns can kill entire classrooms without being reloaded. I just call that a truly fine example of American ingenuity. I'd like to see those assholes who doubt the Second Amendment tell the Third Amendment it isn't relevant anymore. Now some of you may say, “The Third Amendment? What the fuck is that?” It's the reason you don't have random soldiers sleeping on your sofa or pissing in your bathroom in the morning. The Third Amendment was made in response to the Quartering Act, and it is working like a goddamn dream. So don't tell me that the Second and Third Amendments, put in place as a response to the Revolutionary War no longer hold water in a world that has transformed immensely since 1791. Bullshit!

Obviously all parts of the Constitution were meant to be interpreted as written, exactly as they are, forever. The Constitution, a living document? Please! Everyone in the world knows the founders got America exactly right the first time (not counting the Articles of Confederation). I mean, they clearly made it exactly as they wanted it, that's why they wrote in the process for amending the Constitution into the Constitution. That's why they added the Bill of Rights through the amendment process more than three years after the Constitution itself was ratified. That's why they allowed for slavery to continue and counted slaves as 3/5ths of a person. They weren't just fucking around; they were fucking right.

More proof the founders knew what was up: they look fancy in this painting.

So it's obvious the framers knew what they were doing. That's why looking at the Constitution from an originalist point of view is the only way to go. Constitutional originalists seek to represent the framers' original intent, and they know that the framers – with their all seeing eyes – intended for all American citizens to have a right to conceal handguns and carry assault weapons. The framers wanted nothing more than generations of future Americans to continue to develop weapons that would possess an increasing ability to stamp out other rights. Imagine how the framers dreamed that one day their great great and so on great grandchildren would be able to steal the First Amendment right to free speech by silencing others with their assault rifles. This dream realized, the framers can now dream other dreams, dreams of even more powerful weapons in the future.

And sure, some of you will say, even reading with an originalist interpretation does not necessarily grant the right to keep and bear arms to everyone. I don't care if it says “a well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of the free state” is why we have the right to keep and bear arms. My clammy, gun-toting hands are not part of a militia and don't tell me they need to be to pack heat! You know who says I'm right? Antonin “Fuck You” Scalia does. He even got out his eighteenth century dictionary in D.C. v. Heller to prove that even if words and technology change, his mind and the Constitution never will.

After all, the framers understood the importance of keeping and bearing arms. They knew, as the Declaration of Independence proclaimed that “when in the course of human events , it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands that have connected them with another” that first you write a strongly worded document that will then live on in history and then you get your damn guns.

But, as important as I know the Second Amendment is, not everyone sees its true value. The Constitution states that “the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” Yeah, shall not be infringed. Well, it seems like state legislatures have a little trouble understanding what infringed means, because they certainly have a lot of rules about keeping and bearing arms even after the courts said the Second Amendment was incorporated. If states truly understood the importance of the Second Amendment, they wouldn't deny felons and people under the age of 18 the right to own guns. That's a pretty big infringement and shows that even though the founders have at least seen one of their dreams realized in a blinding and deafening blaze of glory that can only be created by the majesty of firearms, part of their dream has been twisted into a nightmare where some Americans cannot keep or bear arms. The founding fathers weep for the felons who lie awake at nights longing to again feel the cold weight of a gun in their arms. The founders mourn the young children who have fallen victim to gun control laws that prohibit them from owning guns. Gunless youth of America suffer under the tyranny of not only such demon lobbyists as the Brady Campaign, but their own state legislatures.

The tyranny does not stop there. Gun control laws exist: The Sullivan Act, the Gun Control Act of 1968, and, most notably, the Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act. The Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act, which was signed into law in 1993 by former “President” William Jefferson Clinton, violates the Second Amendment and proves that some people just don't get what “infringed” means. This act allows for background checks to be run on would-be gun purchases before they can get a gun. Imagine needing a gun, right here, right now, and having to wait for a background check. That is grade A bullshit.

Enough with barely there gun laws! I say, no gun laws whatsoever. It's what the founders wanted. They didn't want us to live under the tyranny of the British, but more than that they didn't want us to live in a world where we could not possess whatever deadly weapons our sweet, innocent hearts desired. So for Christmas this year, I'd like unfettered access to all weapons and a rocket launcher. You know, for personal protection. That falls under “arms” doesn't it?

The Constitution justifies the Second Amendment's importance. It's necessary to protect ourselves from tyranny and, of course, those other nut jobs with guns. The founders knew what the Second Amendment would mean for future generations of patriots, and thus, it lives on today even as enemies rise up against it. But, and this is just a guess, since the Second Amendment has the guns, I'll bet it wins the fight.