Recommended Reading - Pro Status

Nancy and I spent a lot of time together in my youth. While you could interpret this to mean that I had an illicit sexual relationship with someone named Nancy, I more meant it in the sense that I read a lot of books conceived by a middle aged man who may have had an unhealthy obsession with lithe, titian haired (his words) young women and channeled that into writing young adult fiction under the lady name Carolyn Keene. This is a rather convoluted way of saying that, yes, I was a fan of Nancy Drew.

For those of you who may not have spent your childhoods reading about how Nancy fought robots (because she did fight robots in one of the books), you only really need to know that Nancy Drew never failed. Sure, sometimes she got chloroformed or tied up or assaulted or thrown in the trunk of a car or trapped in motor boats or involved in awkward situations with seemingly animated puppets, but she always worked her way out of it with a clever plan. Nancy Drew carried a change of clothes in the trunk of her car. She spent an afternoon figuring out where to put her feet on a staircase to prevent it from squeaking as she climbed. She dated Ned Nickerson for fuck's sake!

I am not sure why I have retained so much of this information because it is - like so much of the random information thumping around in my head - completely useless for leading an adult life. Well, almost. While I may never need to know that Nancy Drew has a plump friend named Bess, she has some useful life lessons. For those of you who don't have time to read the series, by which I mean the original collection of once racist and a little bit sexist books that at least happened before 1980's Nancy Drew turned into some kind of fucking Danielle Steele precursor for kids, I would like to recommend a book called Nancy Drew's Guide to Life by Jennifer Worick. It has some great tips.

The awesome magnifying glass is so you can look for clues as to why you are not as awesome as Nancy Drew.

As I vaguely consider myself the Peter O'Toole of relationships (outdated cultural reference alert!), today I would like to offer you this gem from the book, which I plan to use all the time now that I am back on a college campus and surrounded by more than a few young men from wealthy families: "After receiving an electrical shock to the system, find as many men as possible to vigorously massage you."

Oh, Nancy, I will. I will also fight the encroaching robot army.