Satire Saturday - Social Security

Paul Ryan's landing of the VP spot has stirred feelings in me that I haven't felt for years. A fiscal conservative? A homophobic, anti-women's rights, Midwestern Christian? Oh, sweet Jesus, take me now! I've orgasmed like five times today just thinking about everything Paul Ryan does right. But I do have a bone to pick with Paul.

Social Security is broken, and while I love Paul Ryan's privatization plan, I know in my heart that he isn't going far enough, so I devised my own plan for fixing Social Security.

When the Social Security system was started there were about 46 workers for every recipient. It's projected that by 2040 there will be 2 workers for every recipient. The problem is evident: the skewed ratio will prove a large burden for America's young people. As much as adults love to care for their aging parents, paying for the care of wrinkled strangers loses some of the charm.

While the risk of privatization turns me on a little bit, the plan I have conceived tackles Social Security's imbalance in a more concrete way. The first vital step is to increase the number of workers in America. Several simple measures can be taken to ensure an influx in the country’s lacking number of workers.

The fertility rate in America is only estimated to be 2.06 births per woman. If the government is serious about fixing its problems with Social Security, it needs to increase the fertility rate. While my conservative brethren and I are normally not fans of learning from other countries, especially communists fucks like China, I think this is one place where its okay to make an exception. China has its one-child-only law, and it has come time for America’s three-children-at-least law. A simple government mandate that all couples must have at least three kids will raise the fertility rate in America dramatically. Sarah Palin can't do it alone, guys!

Also, many schools around the United States use abstinence only sex education to teach children that if they have sex, they will always get pregnant with a side of gonorrhea. Although not entirely factual, this teaching method does help lead to an increase in teenage pregnancies. Teenagers are a fertile slice of the American population pie, and their young sexual desires need to be harvested to the fullest extent. We need to require abstinence only education in order to boost teenage pregnancies. Teenagers can be used as a valuable resource in America's reformation of Social Security while we still have the guise of Christian wholesomeness.

A major problem preventing teenagers and other citizens from getting pregnant is the plethora of available birth control. From condoms to spermicide, the list is vast and varied. Unfortunately all methods of birth control are at least somewhat effective. Though my Republican friends and I have done our best over the years, we need to step up our game and outlaw birth control entirely. Failing that, we could resort to trickery. All the condoms manufactured could be sold with holes, the pill could be replaced with a placebo, and so on, until all birth control methods on the market are fakes. It might not be ethical, but since when have we given a damn about that?

By mandating three children from all Americans, increasing teenage pregnancies, and making ineffective birth control, America is bound to become the most fertile nation. The amount of infants will rival the baby boom at least, but still one is left to wonder if merely increasing the amount of potential workers will be enough. Couples may lose their libido and teenagers may opt for oral sex in the face of pregnancy. We need to go further to expand the available income for Social Security.

America is placing restrictions on some of its most able-bodied resources. Children require less food and money to keep them productive workers. Many may argue that the children of the United States should be in schools learning, but by kindergarten it's fairly apparent that the future of a great nation does not lie in all its children. Paste-eaters can be put on the express lane into factory work. The country won't be wasting money on glue guzzling miscreants and children that are not even capable of saying “three” instead of “free” and will be adding to the Social Security money pool at the same time. As an added bonus child labor may help quell the obesity crisis. Nothing knocks those pounds away like heavy machinery!

And still I am not satisfied. The ratio needs more balancing; from 46 workers for every beneficiary to 2 workers for every beneficiary is a big jump that needs to be reversed. Clearly the population of elderly people in the United States needs to be reduced. Americans are living longer than they were nearly fifty years ago when Medicare was tacked onto Social Security. Clearly something is working, and America needs to stop it while it can.

Now Paul Ryan has proposed making Medicare a voucher program. I say, Medicare should be completely eliminated from Social Security and prescription drug costs should go up. The population of elderly will decrease because the government will not be paying for their medication and the elderly themselves will not be able to afford to. Some old man needs his heart medicine and can’t pay? One less grandfather Social Security has to worry about.

A fraction of the population may say it's not compassionate or even moral to refuse to pay for an old man’s heart pills and cause him to die a painful death. Fine. The government can offer another alternative. If old people want their precious medications, the government makes them work for it by military service. Why should the United States waste fresh, young, and healthy people on wars when we have plenty of old people that are bound to kick the bucket soon anyway? We should send Social Security beneficiaries to the Middle East where insurgents can shoot their buckets over. If the elderly manage to survive a year or two, they can come on home and never be denied a bottle of heart pills again.

Yes, privatization is the current conservative path, but this plan is a Republican wet dream! Wars! Injecting government into personal reproductive decisions! Denying people health care! Christian abstinence only sex education! With this modest proposal under their wings, Ryan and Romney are sure to pull it out in November. And after that happens, we can all look forward to a brighter future in the sparkling utopia of America.