Secular Sunday - Biblical Lesson 1

Reading the Bible could be a lot of work and, quite frankly, is probably a waste of time. Unless you are looking for tales of incest, in which case, have at it. But for those of you who aren't looking for extensive guides on weird sexual relationships, I'm boiling down the Bible to the essential lessons. Today: part one.

The text: "Abel was a keeper of the sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering of the fruit of the ground to the Lord. Abel also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of their fat. And the Lord respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering."

The meaning: God doesn't eat his broccoli, bitches.