Presidential Beauty - Part 1

It's here! The long awaited 2013 Presidential Beauty Pageant is finally upon us! And for the next week(ish), I will subjecting the 43 men who have led (I use that term loosely) the United States to my objectification. Because what better way is there to honor these men, than by reducing them to sex symbols? I honestly can't think of a better use of my time. Or yours.

43) John Quincy Adams

"What? You mean you don't want to come skinny dipping with me?" - John Quincy Adams

People used to call toilets Quincys. This delightful bit of slang allegedly cropped up because JQA was the first president to have a toilet installed in the White House. I suspect it also had a great deal to do with people wanting to crap on Adams' face.

42) William McKinley

"I wear bow ties to try to seem more handsome..." - William McKinley

When he was not modeling as Sam the Eagle on The Muppet Show, William McKinley telephone campaigned to become president. Probably because telephone campaigning meant people did not have to see his face. Which is probably also the reason that the 500 dollar bill is no longer printed.

41) Millard Fillmore

"Pardon me, but I seem to have misplaced my neck." - Millard Fillmore

Millard Fucking Fillmore is a waste of my time. If he were a more handsome man, I could rake in the dough writing erotic fiction with the catch phrase "I'll Fill YOU More!" But he is not a handsome man. And so no one wants me to write erotic fiction about him. So I'll just do it for myself...

40) Gerald Ford

"I will eat your babies for breakfast." - Gerald Ford

Born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. in 1913, President Ford once had a promising future for placing within the top 10 in my Presidential Beauty Pageant. In his younger years, he was actually on the cover of Cosmopolitan. And then something happened. And he looked like this. And he did not win.

39) James Madison

"I was once the fourth most attractive president." - James Madison

It is true that James Madison was once the fourth most attractive president - way back in 1809 when he was elected as the fourth president of the United States. Let's just say he's lucky the United States let him father her Constitution.

38) James K. Polk

"Would you care for a Polk? No? Okay. You're probably right." - James K. Polk

President Polk is another example of president who is wasting a perfectly good dirty name. Though I suppose there might be a specific niche for historical mullet porn, I think Nero would be a better character to star in those roles. Polk doesn't have a whole lot going for him.

And those were today's less than lovely candidates. Remember, the presidents keep getting more handsome as the week goes on... Until tomorrow, dear reader!