Presidential Beauty - Part 5

After a fun fact filled one day hiatus, the beauty pageant is back, with somewhat more promising candidates.

19) James Monroe

"The rest of those founding fuckers can shove it." - James Monroe

Thanks to a normal haircut and a lack of any discernibly disturbing makeup, I am proud to announce that President Monroe is the highest ranked among the first five presidents. Side note: his Monroe Doctrine for the bedroom welcomed foreign aggression.

18) Zachary Taylor

"I may be a Whig, but the carpet matches the drapes." - Zachary Taylor

The uniform does it for some people, but for others a glimpse below the uniform is more appealing. With President Taylor, I really can't say. But I will say the nickname "Old Rough and Ready" wasn't just from his military service.

17) Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"My love for you is paralyzing" - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Enchanting. I keep meaning to explain why FDR is number seventeen and then I get caught in his eyes. The only thing we really have to fear: multiple orgasms.

16) Harry S Truman

"I like to come from behind." - Harry S Truman

His parents may have decided the "S" didn't stand for anything, but I'm pretty sure it's for sexy. Ish. I like to imagine this is what Harry Potter would like like if he were president.

15) Chester A. Arthur

"Tickle, tickle, tickle!" - Chester A. Arthur

This may be a controversial decision. Chester A. Arthur does not have a lot going for him. I mean, yeah, he's kind of teddy bearish and that earns him a degree of cute, but the only thing really holding him this far into the competition is the whiskers. I long for the day when I meet a man rocking that kind of beard like it's 1882.

14) Ulysses S. Grant

"I want to bury* myself in your Grant's Tomb." - Ulysses S. Grant

Born in Point Pleasant, Idaho, President Grant can take you to any point of pleasure you want. Though his beard isn't as creative as Arthur's, it is paired with a rugged handsomeness that Chester could never match. *I know it's entomb. But that's just not as sexy.

13) Theodore Roosevelt

"Snuggle up to this Teddy bear..." - Theodore Roosevelt

I don't know what it is. It's not the mustache. It's not the Dwight Schrute haircut. It might be the chain on the glasses... but there is something about TR that draws me in a little bit. The artfully decorated tie? The endearing crinkles around his eyes? I just may never know what turns this Theo into a Teddy.

Check in tomorrow for the penultimate day of pageantry! I promise more men, more puns, and more beards...