Fun Fact Friday - Flatulence!

I have learned so much about farts today, dear reader. First I was going to give you a fun fact about thunder snow, but there isn't a whole lot more to say than, "Holy shit! There's thunder snow!" Then I was going to do a fun fact about Edward Gorey because (as you may have noticed from the Google doodle) today would have been his 88th birthday, and who doesn't want to talk about this:

Damnit, Kate!

But then I discover flatulence facts. And there are so many of them! But of course, if I told you all the farts facts in one go, we couldn't do this again, dear reader. So I am going to limit myself.

Fun fact: Joseph Pujol, a Frenchmen in the 1800s, made his farts sing.

In fact, he was quite good at it. Rumor has it he was among the highest paid performers in France thanks to his farting.

So, that happened. Happy tooting!

Presidential Beauty - Part 7

Presidents' Day is finally here! What better way to celebrate than finally realizing the true beauty in the executive branch?

5) William Jefferson Clinton

"Are you the new intern?" - Bill Clinton

Like fine cheese, Bill Clinton is the kind of man that has gotten better with age. Though Anderson Cooper holds the undeniable upper hand when it comes to attractive silver-haired men, President Clinton pulls this look off. It's easy to see what Monica saw in him. It is harder to tell what he saw in her.

4) William Henry Harrison

"I'll last longer than a month for you, babe." - William Henry Harrison

Damn! William Henry Harrison is finely coifed, young, and well proportioned. Unfortunately for ladies the world over, President Harrison was only commander in chief for a month. For a while the medical community believed he fell ill after giving his inaugural address coatless in the cold, but he didn't actually catch his bug until three weeks later. Which means that William Henry did not show off his beautiful body in vain.

3) Franklin Pierce

"I was awful in the White House. I'm better in bed." - Franklin Pierce

Hailing from my home state, I can only assume the climate of New Hampshire crafted the elegant features of this man. Though it is true that he won the first presidential beauty pageant I hosted, his reduction to third place should not reflect poorly on his physique. He is still a handsome man.

2) Barack Obama

"Yes we can..." - Barack Obama

Fit and fine. If you need more proof of the handsomeness of President Obama, may I suggest any picture ever taken of him (including his recent swim suit shots) or the fact that he landed Michelle.

And now... the moment at least I have been waiting for... the most handsome president...

1) Benjamin Harrison

"They called me the 'human iceberg,' but you sure get me hot." - Benjamin Harrison

This may be a controversial decision, but I don't care. Benjamin Harrison is not old man cute, he is old man sexy! The beard; the eyes; hell, even the ears... I am attracted to President Harrison. And maybe he lost the popular vote. And was sandwiched between Grover Cleveland administrations. And maybe he looks a little like a terrier crossed with Colonel Mustard, but something about him just works. Handsome, I say! Handsome!

That's it for the pageant, folks. And though you may disagree with any or all of my rankings, dear reader, I like to think we can all agree that there have been a few ugly ass presidents, but also a sampling of hot ones, too. In any case, happy Presidents' Day!

Presidential Beauty - Part 6

It's the penultimate day of pageantry, which is honestly a relief. It's harder than you might imagine to sort through a selection of mostly mediocre men. If I'm being honest, today's candidates are also really more mediocre than handsome. Anyway...

12) Calvin Coolidge

"..." - Calvin Coolidge

Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge was a man of few words but ridiculous pets. Though I'm sure the ladies came for the pet pygmy hippo, they stayed for the piercing blue eyes.

11) James A. Garfield

"I may not be the cartoon cat, but I know my way around a pussy." - James A. Garfield

Sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster, that's a luscious beard! I don't really have anything else to say about President Garfield. He just has impressive facial hair.

10) Rutherford B. Hayes

"Luff, luff, luff." - Rutherford B. Hayes

When not finagling his way into the presidency, President Hayes spent his days grooming his beard. Rutherford also began the White House Easter Egg Roll because he loved to be around eggs.

9) John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"The syphilis doesn't lie, babe. I'm a stud." - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I can feel you judging me, dear reader. "JFK? Number nine? He slept with Marilyn Monroe! And countless other women!" I imagine you saying. I wish you would stop. Take a moment too look at the picture. Really look at it. I'll give you handsomish, but not most handsome. Good day.

8) Jimmy Carter

"Let's farm my peanuts." - Jimmy Carter

Yes. I think Jimmy Carter is cute. Cuter than JFK. And I will not apologize for it.

7) Dwight Eisenhower

"I'll storm your beaches." - Dwight Eisenhower

Eisenhower rocks the scraggly eyebrows and the Bing Crosby blue eyes. I don't usually think of President Eisenhower as an attractive man because most of the time he probably wasn't. But it only takes one good day, I guess. Or a good portraitist.

6) Richard Nixon

"Don't you dare call me 'Dick.' But feel free to suck it." - Richard Nixon* 

Again, I sense your surprise. And disdain. After all it is Richard Nixon, the man who disgraced the office and allegedly had to shave a few times a day while campaigning to keep the scruff off. But doesn't that just show his manliness? *Part of this quote is actually factual. What!

So we end today's presidential ranking with a little bit of dick, but come back tomorrow for a whole lot of desire...

Presidential Beauty - Part 5

After a fun fact filled one day hiatus, the beauty pageant is back, with somewhat more promising candidates.

19) James Monroe

"The rest of those founding fuckers can shove it." - James Monroe

Thanks to a normal haircut and a lack of any discernibly disturbing makeup, I am proud to announce that President Monroe is the highest ranked among the first five presidents. Side note: his Monroe Doctrine for the bedroom welcomed foreign aggression.

18) Zachary Taylor

"I may be a Whig, but the carpet matches the drapes." - Zachary Taylor

The uniform does it for some people, but for others a glimpse below the uniform is more appealing. With President Taylor, I really can't say. But I will say the nickname "Old Rough and Ready" wasn't just from his military service.

17) Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"My love for you is paralyzing" - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Enchanting. I keep meaning to explain why FDR is number seventeen and then I get caught in his eyes. The only thing we really have to fear: multiple orgasms.

16) Harry S Truman

"I like to come from behind." - Harry S Truman

His parents may have decided the "S" didn't stand for anything, but I'm pretty sure it's for sexy. Ish. I like to imagine this is what Harry Potter would like like if he were president.

15) Chester A. Arthur

"Tickle, tickle, tickle!" - Chester A. Arthur

This may be a controversial decision. Chester A. Arthur does not have a lot going for him. I mean, yeah, he's kind of teddy bearish and that earns him a degree of cute, but the only thing really holding him this far into the competition is the whiskers. I long for the day when I meet a man rocking that kind of beard like it's 1882.

14) Ulysses S. Grant

"I want to bury* myself in your Grant's Tomb." - Ulysses S. Grant

Born in Point Pleasant, Idaho, President Grant can take you to any point of pleasure you want. Though his beard isn't as creative as Arthur's, it is paired with a rugged handsomeness that Chester could never match. *I know it's entomb. But that's just not as sexy.

13) Theodore Roosevelt

"Snuggle up to this Teddy bear..." - Theodore Roosevelt

I don't know what it is. It's not the mustache. It's not the Dwight Schrute haircut. It might be the chain on the glasses... but there is something about TR that draws me in a little bit. The artfully decorated tie? The endearing crinkles around his eyes? I just may never know what turns this Theo into a Teddy.

Check in tomorrow for the penultimate day of pageantry! I promise more men, more puns, and more beards...

Fun Fact Friday - Foreplay? For What?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day as I am sure many of you know. And while I celebrated in my usual way by beheading a priest, a lot of people use February 14th as a day to get fresh and frisky. This fun fact is for the fresh and frisky. (Though if anyone is looking for tips on decapitation, please send me a letter c/o Antonin Scalia.)

Fun fact: While it's no secret that chocolate is an aphrodisiac, some experts think that chocolate is better at achieving arousal than foreplay is.

This guy gets lucky all the fucking time.

And though Valentine's Day is officially over, this is the kind of fun fact that has practical application throughout the year. If you ever want to please a special someone, buy them chocolate. Or for that matter, if you ever want to please yourself, buy a pound of cocoa products and diddle the day away.

These chocolate bears are on the verge of the best orgy ever.

You're welcome, dear reader. You're welcome.

Presidential Beauty - Part 4

Unfortunately, we still haven't really reached the sexy presidents. It takes longer than you might expect to get to sexy.

25) Ronald Reagan

"That chimp thought I was pretty hot." - Ronald Reagan

I know last week I featured some surprising shots of a young Ronald Reagan in various states of undress. And maybe he was okay then. But by the time he was president, Reagan got pretty damn old. And though Republicans have a permanent boner for this man, I don't. Not even a halfy.

24) Andrew Johnson

"Let's make a union of our own, baby." - Andrew Johnson

Andrew Johnson was the first president to be impeached. Historians have never argued that it had anything to do with his face. But maybe they should.

23) Woodrow Wilson

"I didn't think women should vote. But I do think you should ride my cock." - Woodrow Wilson

Wilson is not an unhandsome man. But he is not a handsome man. He's just a man. And a rather indistinct one.

22) Herbert Hoover

"They don't call me HERbert for nothing..." - Herbert Hoover

No one likes Herbert Hoover. Hoovervilles and all the shit. Being a mother fucker about the Great Depression. But broad shoulders and strong hands kind of combat the weird face he's wearing. He has to go somewhere.

21) Thomas Jefferson

"Fuck independence. With you around, I just want to declare my love." - Thomas Jefferson

Weird neck fashion of the era aside, Thomas Jefferson comes in okay looks-wise among the founders. And maybe banging his slave was not the best decision, but he waited to bone Sally Hemming until after his wife died. So he's kind of gentleman, right?

20) Warren G. Harding

"I'll make these eyebrows dance for you, girl." - Warren G. Harding

You may or may not remember that Warren G. Harding liked to fuck in closets. That is worth a few sexy points. Besides having a strong resemblance to Mr. Green of Cluedo fame, there is just something about those eyebrows that makes him oddly alluring. Well done, President Harding. Well done.

Tomorrow, there will be a break from the pageantry to enjoy a Valentine's fun fact and to give your gentle eyes some rest from all of the pretty. But do not fear, dear reader, Saturday I'll be back with another helping of handsome.

Presidential Beauty - Part 3

And so the quest for the most handsome president continues!

31) George Washington

"I'd like to father a country with you..." - George Washington

George Washington may have been our first president, but that doesn't mean that he gets to splash rouge on his face and not answer for it! It's a wonder that strippers let this guy's face in their underthings.

30) John Adams

"With you I only want to have an XXX affair." - John Adams

Though there is a family resemblance, John Adams is much less frightening than his son. It really makes me worry about what Abigail Adams might look like even though John called her Miss Adorable. Perhaps it was more a reassuring than descriptive nickname?

29) William Howard Taft

"I'm sorry, but could you give me a hand out of the bath? I'm a bit wedged in." - William Howard Taft

Yes, he was our fattest president. And yes, he did get stuck in the bath tub. And yes, aides did have to help a naked version of this man out of the tub. But goddamnit, that is a fine curly mustache! Also he went on to be come a chief justice of the Supreme Court. I hear the robes are flattering.

28) Andrew Jackson

"They call me 'Old Hickory' because my dick is a tree." - Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson is so forlorn that he might just eat his face. And that makes me feel sad, not sexy. His hair does look awfully soft, though.

27) John Tyler

"I'm the reason Virginia is for lovers." - John Tyler

The first president to rise to the office due to the death of an incumbent president, Tyler was dubbed "his accidency" - proving that snappy nicknames have long been a part of political opposition. But the vague handsomeness embodied in our tenth president was no mistake.

26) James Buchanan

"I'm the only one of these bitches that's a bachelor, ladies." - James Buchanan

Does anyone else see the somewhat surprising resemblance to John Lithgow? Sure, Buchanan is shinier and has his collar popped like a fucking Pringles tube, but I think it's time Steven Spielberg announced his next project: Buchanan starring John Lithgow as a more put together version of our fifteenth president.

Come back tomorrow for some more judgmental commentary, dear reader! Handsomer men await!

Presidential Beauty - Part 2

What could be more thrilling than another day of making a mockery of the executive branch? Maybe pie? Yes, probably pie. But I don't have any pie, so I am back to ranking the presidents on a purely physical level. If you missed yesterday's grand kickoff and would like to see the ugly ass mother fuckers that have been elected, may I recommend this followed by an eye bath.

37) Lyndon Baines Johnson

"Let's see that ass." - Lyndon Baines Johnson

LBJ had a buzzer system installed in the White House so that the secret service could warn him when his wife was coming and he could get his dick out of whatever misguided woman he had lured into the oval office. This is a classic example of "How did he get a wife AND all those other women?" President Johnson was not charming, kind, or - as I suspect you have noticed - handsome.

36) Abraham Lincoln

"I'll be your Great Emancipator." - Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln has long been regarded as the ugliest president, which I believe is a great misjudgment. So maybe Mary Todd wasn't crazy with lust, but let's think about what William McKinley looked like for a hot minute. And also, maybe Lincoln has a sexy body beneath that starchy suit.

35) George W. Bush

"I'd like to search for (and not find) your WMDs!" - George W. Bush

I just feel like puking whenever I see this fucker's face. But if I remove myself from my emotional revulsion for a second, I am willing to admit that my vomit reflex is not in response to any particular physical characteristic. That's not to say President Bush is handsome. He looks like a vindictive child in the (somehow pleasurable) throes of pooping, but he isn't as terrible looking as some other presidents.

34) George H.W. Bush

"I once lived in a whore house. Christ, I miss it!" - George H.W. Bush

When you put them right together like that, father and son look strikingly similar. And though I don't think Bush 41 won "Most Photogenic" in high school (or probably ever) he takes a better photo than his kid. More natural, I'd say. And he did once live prostitute adjacent. Which means bonus points.

33) Grover Cleveland

"I'll give you nonconsecutive orgasms." - Grover Cleveland

The only handsome thing about Grover Cleveland is his mustache. And maybe the smoldering eyes. Maybe.

32) Martin Van Buren

"Get on my old kinderhook!" - Martin Van Buren

President Van Buren, our eighth president, is kind of cute in an old person kind of way. He's no John Paul Stevens, but let's be real, if there were two JPSs, I would probably explode. From joy. Anyway, maybe Van Buren doesn't crack into the top rankings, but I kind of want to touch his hair. On his head. I haven't done enough research to provide a definitive answer on anything else.

That's it for our Tuesday romp with the presidents. But don't worry - there's another handsome mustache coming tomorrow. Until then, dear reader!

Presidential Beauty - Part 1

It's here! The long awaited 2013 Presidential Beauty Pageant is finally upon us! And for the next week(ish), I will subjecting the 43 men who have led (I use that term loosely) the United States to my objectification. Because what better way is there to honor these men, than by reducing them to sex symbols? I honestly can't think of a better use of my time. Or yours.

43) John Quincy Adams

"What? You mean you don't want to come skinny dipping with me?" - John Quincy Adams

People used to call toilets Quincys. This delightful bit of slang allegedly cropped up because JQA was the first president to have a toilet installed in the White House. I suspect it also had a great deal to do with people wanting to crap on Adams' face.

42) William McKinley

"I wear bow ties to try to seem more handsome..." - William McKinley

When he was not modeling as Sam the Eagle on The Muppet Show, William McKinley telephone campaigned to become president. Probably because telephone campaigning meant people did not have to see his face. Which is probably also the reason that the 500 dollar bill is no longer printed.

41) Millard Fillmore

"Pardon me, but I seem to have misplaced my neck." - Millard Fillmore

Millard Fucking Fillmore is a waste of my time. If he were a more handsome man, I could rake in the dough writing erotic fiction with the catch phrase "I'll Fill YOU More!" But he is not a handsome man. And so no one wants me to write erotic fiction about him. So I'll just do it for myself...

40) Gerald Ford

"I will eat your babies for breakfast." - Gerald Ford

Born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. in 1913, President Ford once had a promising future for placing within the top 10 in my Presidential Beauty Pageant. In his younger years, he was actually on the cover of Cosmopolitan. And then something happened. And he looked like this. And he did not win.

39) James Madison

"I was once the fourth most attractive president." - James Madison

It is true that James Madison was once the fourth most attractive president - way back in 1809 when he was elected as the fourth president of the United States. Let's just say he's lucky the United States let him father her Constitution.

38) James K. Polk

"Would you care for a Polk? No? Okay. You're probably right." - James K. Polk

President Polk is another example of president who is wasting a perfectly good dirty name. Though I suppose there might be a specific niche for historical mullet porn, I think Nero would be a better character to star in those roles. Polk doesn't have a whole lot going for him.

And those were today's less than lovely candidates. Remember, the presidents keep getting more handsome as the week goes on... Until tomorrow, dear reader!

Fun Fact Friday - The Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure

Hey! It's February, which means that one of the best possible holidays ever approaches. If you're thinking I mean Valentine's Day, I should probably ask that you leave. I mean Presidents' Day! Obviously. Get your goddamn head in the game, dear reader.

So today I have a presidential fun fact, but later this month I'll also feature my - let's say annual - presidential beauty pageant, because obviously the best way to judge presidents is by their looks. But I have distracted myself from fun fact time!

Fun fact: Ronald Reagan was voted "Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure" by the University of California in 1940.

I was shocked. Shocked, I say! Why? Because I couldn't get a certain image out of my head...

"Why, hello. I'm Ronald Reagan. And I will haunt your dreams. Not in a good way." - Ronald Reagan

And then I searched young Ronald Reagan. And I discovered that maybe he was handsome once. Again, shocked.

"Why, hello. I'm Ronald Reagan in a more different swimsuit." - Ronald Reagan

"Why, hello. I'm Ronald Reagan. And there are actually a lot of pictures of me in swimsuits. Also, I think I shave my legs." - Ronald Reagan

But then Ronald Reagan ate all the jelly beans. And then he decided that trickle down economics was a good idea. And also he called his wife "Mommy." So, shit got pretty fucked up.