Fun Fact Friday - Ass Bare Jungle Living

Yesterday I may or may not have written a thank you note to a fictitious aunt for a birthday gift of some very fine underwear. As I'm learning German, sometimes I am made to do strange things to practice the language. Although, the gift being underwear was actually my idea.

In any case, my non-existant Aunt Martha's gift of Unterhosen has inspired me to bring you an underwear fun fact.

Fun fact: Loincloths, often considered the earliest underwear (although then, it wasn't really under anything), were worn by many different ancient cultures from all over the world.

That is your fun fact. Do with it what you will. I shall, at some point, probably bring you a more exciting underwear fact, but for now the rest of this will be about how Tarzan and his creepy ass loincloth freak me the fuck out.

"Oh, why hello! Is part of my ass showing?" - Tarzan

When Disney's Tarzan came out, I'm going to say I was eight. It was not my favorite. It was only years later when listening to Phil Collins' "You'll Be in My Heart" made me feel vaguely awkward that I sat down and had a think about Tarzan, his awkward face, and his loincloth.

First of all, Tarzan should not be wearing a loincloth. He should be ass bare jungle living like his adoptive gorilla family. That's why Kerchak doesn't like him! Sack up, Tarzan! Who the fuck showed you how to make a loincloth? Your annoying gorilla cousin? The scared elephant? No.

And fine, maybe Disney didn't want any dick flailing around in their film, which honestly I find a little hard to believe given the whole Little Mermaid boner fiasco, but if we're operating on the assumption that there was a penis embargo, then why a loin cloth? He was found in a diaper! They could have stuck with that! In fact, that probably would have made the movie pretty damn awesome. Everyone loves adult diapers.

This would be less threatening if Tarzan were wearing a diaper. And if he stopped doing whatever the fuck he's doing with his face.

And aside from the implausibility of Tarzan and his primate pals suddenly thinking up a way to unreliably conceal all his bits, there's the physics of it. Throughout the movie, Tarzan goes tree surfing. And vine swinging. And cliff diving. And his hair goes all over the place. So would his damn loincloth!

Also, I still don't like his face. Just so we're clear.