In any case, I am home briefly for Thanksgiving. And whenever I come home, I find a collection of credit card offers that my mother has kept aside for me. Now I've told her she can just stick them in the shredder, but saving them for me does give me the opportunity to stuff the postage-paid envelopes with my own brand of vengeance, which you will find below. Please feel free to use it to reject your own credit card offers, although you may wish to exclude the imaginary Mexican pen pal bits.
To whom it may concern,
I want you to know how sincerely I
appreciate being offered this undeniably auspicious opportunity.
Though I would love to say that I gave your offer careful
consideration, I cannot – in good conscience – tell such a
grievous lie.
You can be assured that as a woman of
a certain age I receive many such offers. They are each as
unappealing as the next. It is for this reason that I did not, in
fact, even read your letter. If your letter contained any warm offers
of love, admonishments for misdeeds, slights directed at my personal
grooming habits, or anything besides unwelcome solicitations, then I
regret to inform you they went unnoticed.
As I assume your letter to me merely
contained information regarding a special credit card offer for which
I am most certainly qualified, I hope you won't take this rejection
too hard. It is, as was your offer to me, nothing personal.
I also feel you should know that I love
getting mail. In fact, I love mail so much that I once had an
imaginary Mexican pen pal. For someone who loves mail, an imaginary
pen pal is not the most practical choice, and Pepe and I parted ways
after middle school. My love of mail may seem vaguely unrelated to
most of the content of this letter to this point, and certainly the
tale of my imaginary Mexican friend is as unasked for as the credit
card offer you sent to me has been. But this brings me to the
ultimate purpose of this letter.
If you merely seek to contact me in
hopes of getting me to subscribe to a credit card, I feel I must ask
that you cease contacting me. It is ruining our relationship and
damaging my love of mail. Imagine the inevitable heartbreak I feel
when I open the mailbox to find propositions of a most undue nature.
I could describe to you the emotions I feel at such cold contact, but
to recount such feelings would be to relive the pain I have already
experienced at your hands today.
If, in the future, you wish to write to
me as a friend, I would be happy to hear from you again, assuming
that you do not also include any more credit card offers. Engaging in
a deeper personal relationship with you is something I could imagine
myself enjoying. Perhaps, after our pen pal-ship has developed and
matured, we could go on a picnic or snuggle by the sea. Maybe we
could bake together or volunteer at my local library! I am open to
other bonding activities as well, and I look forward to hearing about
your interests.
Should you choose the latter option, it
would be most helpful to me if you could continue to include these
business reply envelopes as it does save me the postage for my return
correspondence. Also, please be informed that I am a woman of many
correspondences. I just want to nip this in the bud in case you
happen to be the jealous type.
In any case, I hope you shan't take my
rejection too hard as I know that you are courting many other young
men and women with similar financial situations to my own. I hope you
will find some comfort in their loving arms or, at the very least,
some solace in what may turn out to be their debt.
Kind regards,
Jes Marbacher
Super Hero and Student
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