Vote, Vote, Vote, Vote, Vote!

I registered to vote on Monday, December 15, 2008. Thanks to a huge ass ice storm, my family didn't have power. I hadn't showered in several days and had been sleeping in the basement next to the wood stove to keep warm. But fuck all - it was the first day the town office was open after I turned eighteen and I was registering to vote.

Yeah, my mom came and took pictures when I registered to vote. And then we got some fucking ice cream.

The more astute among you may realize this means that this is the first presidential election I can vote in. It's not the first time I'm voting. There have been seven local, state, and/or federal elections since I registered to vote. And I have voted in all of them. With this election, I'm eight for eight, bitches!

This may seem like I am bragging, dear reader. Because I am. I don't fancy myself a bragger. I hate writing out my resume because it makes me uncomfortable to say so many nice things about myself all at once. But I always brag about voting.

And so should every goddamn person. And yes, the system's not perfect, the candidates aren't perfect, and the voting booth's not big enough to comfortably perform acrobatics in. But come the fuck on. Vote. You color in a few circles, you poke a few buttons on a screen, or, if you're in Idaho, you can still hang a chad or two.

And maybe you have excuses - or reasons, as you might prefer I call them - but I'm pretty sure I'll think those are bullshit.

In 2008, I drove around with my friends for hours one night looking for a McCain/Palin campaign sign. To pee on. And while baptizing electioneering materials in urine was a momentarily satisfying way to participate in the electoral process, I didn't pee on any campaign signs this time. I just voted. And it was immensely more satisfying. And I didn't even have to worry about getting urine on my shoes.

My family voting together in the NH primary. Suck my dick.

And I'm sorry if this seems sanctimonious or if you were only looking for penis jokes instead of a rant from an impassioned political nerd, but I care about this shit. So vote.

And now, for those of you who have survived my pontificating, an electoral limerick:

There once were some young polling stations,
Who just wanted some brief satiation,
So they met some voters
And gave them strict orders,
To pull levers across the whole nation.

And sure, bitches don't pull levers any more, and you have to read "orders" with a Boston accent, but I have shit to do that doesn't involve perfecting a limerick about voting booths orgasming. Sorry. But for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, vote!