Fun Fact Friday - North Dakota

North Dakota? I did not expect there to be fun facts about North Dakota either. Facts, sure, but fun? I am delighted to have been proven wrong.

Fun fact: North Dakota is the only state to have a town simply named "Beach." For those of you non-geographers, North Dakota is also landlocked, which is where the fun to this fact comes in.

Please note the small pond. That totally makes the name legit.

A brief survey of North Dakota's wikipedia page leads me to believe I may have found the only North Dakota fun fact. I'd feel bad, but I live in New Hampshire. We don't have a whole lot going for us either.

Secular Sunday - Jesus' Pet

Secular Sunday? Blasphemy! Why, yes. With luck, I'll see you all in Hell!

Today's Secular Sunday comes in the form of a little chat I had with Jesus the other day. Please note that for the purposes of this and all future conversations with Christ, Jesus has a heavy Brooklyn accent. And his middle name is Howard.

JES: Jesus?

JESUS: Hey, how's it going, kiddo?

JES: Okay. I was just wondering, what were the dinosaurs like?

JESUS: They were fucking awesome, man.

JES: So why didn't you save them?

JESUS: Look, kiddo, here's the thing. Uh, my dad had this flower garden, and those bastards kept eating all the fucking flowers. Not cool. So, uh, my dad killed them.

JES: What‽

JESUS: Come on, kid! It's okay. He let me keep a pet Leptoceratops for a bit, though. Damn, I miss Lenny.

JES: Jesus, and I know this a bit much to ask for in prayer, but...

JESUS: Sorry, kid. I know where this is going, but you can't have a dinosaur. 

JES: Not even a Lesothosaurus?

JESUS: Hey, hey! I said no! Okay? Okay?

JES: Yeah, okay.

JESUS: Look, I got a meeting in like ten minutes, so I, uh, should get going.

JES: Bye, Jesus.

Please enjoy the interrobang and the shout-out to lesser known dinosaurs. Also, Lenny is not pictured above. That picture was taken long before God smote all the dinosaurs for their flower based shenanigans.

Fun Fact Friday - Magic Skipper

This Friday's fun fact comes from the world of toys, specifically the world of vastly disproportioned, sexualized dolls.

Fun fact: In the 1970s, Mattel marketed a Skipper doll called "Growing Up Skipper." Just twist her arm and her breasts grow!

I feel the release of such a doll left a lot of confusion in the youth market place. Boys who had been ripping the clothes off their sisters' Barbies for years were suddenly twisting girls' arms on the playground. Late blooming preteens were frantically dislocating their shoulders all across the nation! I have no anecdotal evidence to back up any of these speculations, but the 1970s were a crazy time.

Skipper evidently later evolved to have permanent breasts, not the growing and shrinking ones that she first acquired in the 70s. Skipper's magic boobs also apparently steeped her in controversy, which is just one of many political correctness/what the fuck kerfuffles Barbies have embroiled themselves in over the years. I was never much of a Barbie fan, but it did mean I missed out on conflicts like "Colored Francie," "Teen Pregnancy Midge," and, most recently, "Sugar Daddy Ken." Who knew one could miss so much playing with Legos?

The Genius of Disney

No, it's not owning half the world. It is having a slew of characters whose names would make terrible names for vaginas that are sometimes also surprisingly apt. I now present to you that list with my favorites at the end. Use it well.

Fat Cat

The Walrus

Goofy

Tinker Bell

Monstro

Pain

Panic

Pain and Panic from Disney's Hercules

Ratty

Nutsy the Vulture

Quasimodo

Mrs. Jumbo

Lumpy the Heffalump

Piglet

Honker Muddlefoot

Honker Muddlefoot in Darkwing Duck getting ready for some action...

Prissy the Elephant

Scratchy

Thumper

Mike

Winnie the Pooh (I mean, that one's just entirely wrong)

Turkey Lurkey

Percival C. McLeach

And now for my favorites! Because I have time to find favorite names of Disney vagina characters.

Baggy Beagle

Stitch

Two Fingers (right?)

Greasey the Weasel

Tramp

Magic Carpet

Beaver

The Liquidator

Scar

Scar, from The Lion King, imitating a dramatic vagina.

Fun Fact Friday - Barnacles

I love fun facts and talking about dick, so the first Fun Fact Friday is especially dear to my heart.

Fun fact: Barnacles have the comparatively longest penis in the animal kingdom.

Though I've seen many different ratios for penis length compared to barnacle size (up to 40:1 on one site!) National Geographic has it at about 8:1.

This, according to Discover, is only a moderately extended dick. Ow?

So next you time you want to convey the enormity of your own or a partner's penis, may I recommend, not saying they are hung like a horse, but rather like a barnacle? Of course, barnacles are also hermaphroditic, so that may lead to some other confusion...

Questionable Beginnings

I doodle from time to time. In the future, you may have the opportunity to enjoy comics featuring wordplay and puns. I even plan to upload a serial I've created called Philip the Warrior Cock, but for now, though I have promised dick for later, I've decided to start with something a little less penisy and a little more punctuationy.

Statement of Purpose

The title above is, in fact, a trick statement, which I suppose to some would qualify it as a lie. I like to think there's a fuzzy but important difference between lies and trick statements. Example? Oh, sure. Why the hell not?

Lie: I regularly compete in knitting competitions.

Trick statement: The purpose of this blog is not to have a purpose.

See how that's all circular like?

In any case, there really isn't a purpose to this. I'm just going to fuck around and be crass as is my wont. Consider this fair warning: there will be alliteration and probably a lot of dick. So you're welcome.