Fun Fact Friday - The Bite Heard 'Round the World

Remember the shot heard 'round the world? That was insane. All that revolutionary shit. It was a crazy time for history. And for me. I was involved in a torrid affair with John Hancock, for obvious reasons.

"My signature isn't the only thing that's big." - John Hancock

Well, this week we finally had the bite heard 'round the world. I always thought the bite heard 'round the world would involve carrots. They are much crunchier than soft, delicious human flesh. But I digress.

But this bite heard 'round the world? As you probably heard the chomp, you must know the bite happened during a world cup match. And I'm sure it will have the same ramifications as the shot heard 'round the world.

See. It's a headline. It's not hyperbole.

But I thought, in honor of this tooth and sports related kerfuffle, that I would bestow upon you the rarest of gifts: a sports fun fact. And not just any sports fun fact - a sports fun fact about the bite that probably should have been heard 'round the world.

Fun fact: In 1923, Red Sox player Clarence Blethen bit his own ass during a baseball game.

Now this World Cup bite seems kind of tame, doesn't it? 

I once lost a tooth playing soccer. But I will always regret that it was not from biting someone.

Sure, you can see the biter, Luis Suárez, holding his clearly injured teeth and the bitten, Giorgio Chiellini, holding his gravely wounded shoulder, but Clarence Blethen bit his own goddamn ass.

Would you believe there are lots of pictures of baseballs with teeth, but none of Clarence Blethen?

Anyway, Mr. Blethen had dentures and, as luck would have it, carried them in his back pocket when up to bat. He slid into a base and chomped down on his own succulent rump roast. He was then removed from the game. Apparently, you're not supposed to bleed from the ass all over the infield.

So, sure, this soccer bite is on a world stage. But for me, Clarence Blethen is the best biter who has ever played the game. Any game. Because anyone can bite someone else, but it takes someone truly special to bite himself in the ass.

Fun Fact Friday - Gifts From Above

Now that I am back to work at Urine World, when I am not being blessed in the name of Jesus Christ by guests, I live in fear. Shadows swoop across the sky. Seagulls reign supreme. My fear is not some Hitchcockian distress. I have been pooped on before, and I will probably be pooped on again. By birds, that is. Visitors of the park have yet to smear their feces upon me, but I am sure that too is coming.

A vindictive seagull.

In any case, in honor of the poop-based horror I meet daily, today's fun fact is bird-related.

Fun fact: Charles Darwin's editor wanted him to write a book about pigeons instead of The Origin of Species.

Evidently, his editor thought The Origin of Species would be too obscure to interest people, but pigeons? Oh, everybody is into pigeons! They pirouette!

"I'm wooing you so hard right now." Phineas T. Philander

But Darwin did not listen to his editor. And got all sciency. And now people believe in evolution. Or decide not to because science is the devil. And so really, he could have written a lovely book about pigeons. People trust folk who author works about pigeons. Because much like the general populace, Jesus was a well-known pigeon fan.

"Pigeons are the worst." - Charles Darwin

But here we are. Charles Darwin hated pigeons and me. Now there are not enough books about pigeons, and I live in fear of being pooped on. Sometimes the world is a pretty crazy place.

Fun Fact Friday - What's in a Name?

There are so many fun facts in this world that I often find myself overwhelmed. I find myself sitting at my desk, clutching my hairs, and yearning for some relief from what I have decided to over-dramatically refer to as "ephemera anguish." Would today be a good day to discuss Bill Clinton's tumultuous relationship with sheep? But what about Albanian mustaches? Or actual death by chocolate?

An artist's rendering of ephemera anguish.

I am plagued by these questions, dear reader. I wonder about you and just what might tickle your fancy this Friday. I can't promise that I have found it, but I want you to know how carefully I consider each fun fact. For you. Also, you smell amazing today.

Fun fact: Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Millicent? Really? I once had an imaginary future cow named Millicent. I do not feel as fondly about her as I do about my current invisible pony, Salvador. But that's just how life is sometimes.

Salvador enjoying a snack.

But my unusual pets aside, what were Barbie's parents thinking? Come on, George and Margaret of Willows, Wisconsin! Barbara Millicent? It's a wonder Barbie can charm even the package-less Ken. Related: Ken and Barbie are apparently back together. I remember how their split shocked the community back in 2004. There may have even been rumors that Ken was pursuing the all too real "Oreo Fun Barbie" because he knew she liked cream filling.

Real. And so not racist that it was promptly recalled.

Ken may have also gone after "Growing Up Skipper" because she blossomed into a woman right before his eyes. Maybe. I'm not always great at keeping up on the manufactured lives of plastic dolls.

In any case, Barbara Millicent seems to have risen above her unfortunate name. I never really understood her appeal, but she's still freakishly popular. Especially with Ken.

I just want to find a love like this...

Until next time, dear reader!

Fun Fact Friday - Urine World? Autsch!

If you know me personally and are not part of my surprisingly large readership from Eastern Europe, then you may know I have worked at a small, New England water park, which, for my own safety, I will refer to only as Urine World. Tomorrow, I return to Urine World. To work in customer service at a place that recently decided it will be charging money for handicap parking. As if the rogue poopers weren't enough!

How quaint. A sign that thinks people don't do more than pee in pools.

In any case, I'm doomed. So today's fun fact is a reminder that it could be worse.

Fun fact: There is a 24-hour hotline in Germany that you can call to vent frustration at operators.

Interested? I'm honestly not sure if they take international calls, but the hotline is called Schimpf-Los, which roughly translates to "swear away."

Oh, she's pissed. Her boss made her a snail. Or a worm. But probably a snail.

That's right. For just just a euro and a half a minute, you can yell at someone not involved with your problems as much as you want. And then hang up. And you still have all those problems, but hey, at least you got to swear at someone for five minutes and now you don't have that pesky extra money weighing you down!

And I know, I said I was trying to be positive about my fate this summer, but working for Schimpf-Los sounds pretty awesome. At Urine World, people curse at me anyway. And they expect me to fix all of their problems. So maybe this isn't as optimistic an interblag as I had planned, but at least I learned about new career options. Related: I'm moving to Germany. To be sworn at. But I also enjoy sausage.

This sausage is too happy to cuss at you over the phone.

As an added bonus, my research has also revealed that operators at the German swearing hotline can goad uncreative complainers. They can say, "Is that the worst you've got?" Or rather, "Ist das Ihre Schlimmste?"

For the German swearing hotline, "Scheiß" is just a word; at Urine World, it is that turd floating in the pool.