The PB&P

It's the sandwich the New York Times called an "unacknowledged American classic." It's the sandwich the best radio program ever, NPR's Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me, called "surprisingly not bad." It's the sandwich of my youth: the peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

As it is Halloween, I sense, dear reader, that you may suspect I am simply trying to scare you, but no. I assure you, this sandwich is only scary in theory. In reality, it is delicious.

I have long argued for the PB&P. "Relish is just like cucumber jam!" I would yell to disgusted cries. Cucumbers, after all, are technically fruits. But aside from one friend I converted in childhood, I have never found peanut butter and pickle comrades, just a substantial amount of derision.

Imagine, therefore, my glee, when last week there was an extended homage to what was for several years my lunch of choice in the food section of the New York Times. Imagine my euphoria when the NPR show I actively obsess over used its Sandwich Monday blog to sample my sweet and savory cult sandwich. With this semi-supportive publicity to bolster my own awkward eating habits, I felt it time to share with you, dear reader, this mealtime possibility. You may scoff as others have, but I will eat on, enjoying my sandwiches laden with peanut butter and pickles and knowing that I am not alone.

And while calling the PB&P "surprisingly not bad" is the best review I could hope for from my favorite radio broadcast staff, tonight I call it something else. I call it dinner.

Bigger and Better

As we all await our inevitable doom at the hands of Sandy, why not get a little dick with a large side of pussy? Yes, it is time for the fourth installment of The Adventures of Philip the Warrior Cock! If you missed the first three, follow the links below.

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

Until next time, dear reader!

Fun Fact Friday - Spooky Time!

Though I am making this a Halloween fun fact, it probably won't actually be that spooky. I did find some facts about children dying on Halloween, which would certainly qualify as spooky/scary/ominous, but they probably wouldn't qualify as fun. Unless you happen to be Albert Fish, dear reader, which I doubt you are because he was electrocuted twice after killing and eating somewhere in the realm of a hundred children.

But creepy old masochistic serial killers aside... Candy! Costumes! Pumpkin faces! And a fun fact!

Fun fact: Jack-o'-lanterns were originally carved from turnips.

First of all, can I just say how impressed I am by turnip jack-o'-lanterns? I award anyone who carves a turnip lantern +5 points in life. They are smaller. And harder. And creepier looking.

"Hello, I will devour your flesh..." - Turnip T. Lantern

Pumpkin carving in lieu of turnip carving began in the America because turnip carving has to be way more difficult. Seriously. Also because there are pumpkins here. And not so much in Ireland.

Also for those of you of looking for another way to bring your halloween back to its roots (pun always intended), you could carve a mangelwurzel. Because why the fuck wouldn't you?

Collegiate Quotes (ish) - Volume 2

I have found that people have very interesting conversations in bathrooms. One unfortunate day at work, I found myself in the bathroom when a mother was coaching her child through what sounded like a very difficult shit. And last week at trivia, I happened to be taking a whiz when two other women entered the bathroom.

So for this edition of collegiate quotes, I offer you, dear reader, only one quote that was technically college adjacent, but I don't give a fuck. It's worth it.

"I love the shape of this toilet. No, really. It's so cute!"

Unless this was the toilet... no.

Cute? Really? Kittens, sure. Shitters? Not so much.

Fun Fact Friday - Duck Tales

While you may have been expecting fun facts pertaining to the Disney cartoons about ducks, I will not be discussing the mishaps of Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Also, that DuckTales is all one word. So.

While I have written about ducks before, the duck facts (yeah, facts!) I am about to share are mostly for the benefit of a 14 year old from New Zealand. You see, I don't mean to favor ducks over other Aves, but if ducks are going to be our new overlords... well, I just think we all should be informed.

Our new overlords...

Perhaps I should explain. Jasmin, a homeschooled teenager from New Zealand, has been warning readers everywhere about the duck takeover of the world. While there is a lot of convoluted reasoning in her letter to a local newspaper, Jasmin essentially explains that because of the evolution (that she doesn't believe in) and the fact that ducks always nest in pairs, ducks will take over the world if we humans let homosexuality spread.

This brings me to duck fact one: Duck sex is mostly rape.

In fact, lady ducks contort their lady duck vaginas to try their hardest not to have sex with men ducks.  Men ducks, however, can also contort their penises. Somehow I don't think "rape" and "'nesting in pairs'" fit the same "potato, potahto" criteria. Or am I getting too hung up on semantics?

Duck fact two: Ducks can be gay.

Over 450 different species of animal have been observed to exhibit homosexual behavior. That includes ducks. Since Jasmin doesn't believe in all sorts of scientific things, I don't expect her to understand that the fact that homosexuality occurs naturally in the nature makes it natural and not some "ancient behavior" or "choice" to be derided.

Oh, look! These penguins are also gay. And fucking adorable.

Of course most people who argue against gay marriage don't pull out bullshit duck myths to do so. This New Zealand teen is uniquely ridiculous in that. And even though "the ducks will get you in the end" sounds pretty damn preposterous, I propose to you that she isn't any more stupid than other bigots who just so happen to couch their arguments in bullshit that does not involve birds.

And now, since I have spent most of my fun fact time inviting Jasmin to suck my lady balls, I will now offer the rest of you a duck fact unfettered by indignation.

Duck fun fact: Duck sperm (especially of colorful billed ducks) has antibacterial/STD fighting qualities.

Now if you'll excuse me, dear reader, I'm off to smear duck semen on my paper-cut. Good day.

Fun Fact Friday - I Am a Twelve-Year-Old Boy

I am a twelve-year-old boy. That's not the fun fact, because it is technically not factual and probably not all that fun, but come on! Urine, feces, genitalia, weird animal sex facts? I can practically feel my middle school days rushing back. By which I mean in middle school I was twelve and looked like a boy. In any case, today's fun fact will not break the mold on that because it's about lap dancers. And menstruation.

Fun fact: Exotic dancers earn less money in tips when they are menstruating.

This is what they're teaching me at school. Today I went to a special English department lecture and ended up learning that. Hoo-fucking-rah, right?

Of course, I am not one to take half-naked lady facts lightly. I needed corroboration. And it turns out some psychologists at the University of New Mexico did a survey of lap dancers to determine when in their menstrual cycles dancers got the best tips. They even made a chart.

I could give you more data, but honestly, I think I've said enough about menstruation as it is.

Except actually, in the early days of the company, Disney made a film called The Story of Menstruation. It's believed to be the first movie to use the word "vagina." As if you needed another reason to love Disney movies, right?

Some stills from the vagina movie. Classic.

And now I have officially said enough about menstruation.

Fun Fact Friday - Missed Opportunity

Yesterday was Friday. And Fun Fact Saturday just isn't a thing. Sure, there's still some alliteration, but it's just not the same.

So I'm sorry about missing Fun Fact Friday. I am sure, dear reader, that you pined for knowledge and, perhaps, me. That may not be the case. Yesterday I spent a good portion of my day on a bus, and as conducive as buses are to the learning of fun facts, I only gained the knowledge that one of my fellow passengers has very particular pillow tastes. (She can only sleep on pillows that aren't her pillows when she is in a hotel and has to, guys. It's important, okay?)

Anyway I was going to share something probably interesting with you. It's banned book week! I was going to find some awesome fact about banned books, but I did not. And now this may just seem like a cruel taunt. So as what I hope may be some small consolation I offer you this bit of information that I heard on NPR today:

People are ninety percent poop.

There was something about poop transplants. (I now want one, just by the way.) They mentioned something about microbes or bacteria or organisms. There was something about MS involved and a man from Australia. I would tell you more, but I had to get out of the car before the story ended and I don't know if the "people are ninety percent poop" was ever really explained in a way that can be easily organized onto a people/poop pie chart. I was mostly distracted by the fact that a show on NPR (or perhaps just its New Hampshire affiliate station NHPR) dedicated a significant number of minutes to discussing poop.

Poop, I say! They were talking about poop!

So, I am sorry that I missed our date yesterday, dear reader. But in the past I have found that talking about feces heals all wounds. So hopefully, in some small way, this shit will make up for it.

Collegiate Quotes - Volume 1

I have been working on a collection of delightful overheard quotes as I wander around my school's campus this fall. Today, I bring the first collection of those quotes. Particularly enjoy the pompous ones.

"Ugh! I just missed such a great instagram opportunity!"

"I have a green leather jacket, a black leather jacket, and a brown leather jacket."

Referring to a row of 24 beer bottles along a counter in the kitchen: "Wow. Look at that line of bottles! We accomplished something important today."

"The thing that really sucks is how much more I have to do laundry here."

Referring to some male friend: "That tall guy got that shirt at Walmart. He wears it to be an asshole."

"Since I went to a prep school I was told that the work level would be about the same or less difficult..."

If you have personally collected any gems, let me know. I'd enjoy the help, even though I'm sure I'll personally hear more stupid shit.