Fun Fact Friday - Once in a Blue Moon

Why, hello! I'm going with another space fact tonight, but not because of any cool achievements in the world of Science, just because of the accidents of calendars.

Fun fact: Tonight's full moon is a blue moon!

Now, I need to qualify this because there are a lot of different definitions of blue moons:

a) A blue moon is the second moon in the month, which this one is. But some people don't think double moons in a month count as blue moon, so fuck if I know. Apparently this blue moon definition has something to do with not messing up the folk names of moons.

b) A blue moon is the third full moon in a season with four blue moons, which this one also is. So even if the first definition is fucked, I can still do my ritualistic naked time blue moon dance.

c) The phrase blue moon also comes from the Old English word "belewe" meaning "betrayer." If an extra moon appeared before Lent, it was called a betrayer moon because apparently Jesus doesn't like the moon. They have an awkward sexual history together, okay?

d) Sometimes the moon actually looks blue. If particles in the air are larger than the wavelength of red light, then the moon can look blue. If you want to see that blue moon, I recommended hanging out near volcanoes or starting a forest fire. Enormous smoke clouds help.

Also, in pursuit of my blue moon knowledge, I again came across information on how long it would take me to drive to points in space. Apparently on my epic space roadless trip, I would only take 130 days to drive to the moon. No driving speed was given, so I can only assume that there are speed limit signs along the way.

Bonus fun fact: Elmo thinks olives are a once in a blue moon food. And that is just one of the reasons why we are in love.

The love of my life on the moon.

Happy mooning!

Recommended Reading - Pro Status

Nancy and I spent a lot of time together in my youth. While you could interpret this to mean that I had an illicit sexual relationship with someone named Nancy, I more meant it in the sense that I read a lot of books conceived by a middle aged man who may have had an unhealthy obsession with lithe, titian haired (his words) young women and channeled that into writing young adult fiction under the lady name Carolyn Keene. This is a rather convoluted way of saying that, yes, I was a fan of Nancy Drew.

For those of you who may not have spent your childhoods reading about how Nancy fought robots (because she did fight robots in one of the books), you only really need to know that Nancy Drew never failed. Sure, sometimes she got chloroformed or tied up or assaulted or thrown in the trunk of a car or trapped in motor boats or involved in awkward situations with seemingly animated puppets, but she always worked her way out of it with a clever plan. Nancy Drew carried a change of clothes in the trunk of her car. She spent an afternoon figuring out where to put her feet on a staircase to prevent it from squeaking as she climbed. She dated Ned Nickerson for fuck's sake!

I am not sure why I have retained so much of this information because it is - like so much of the random information thumping around in my head - completely useless for leading an adult life. Well, almost. While I may never need to know that Nancy Drew has a plump friend named Bess, she has some useful life lessons. For those of you who don't have time to read the series, by which I mean the original collection of once racist and a little bit sexist books that at least happened before 1980's Nancy Drew turned into some kind of fucking Danielle Steele precursor for kids, I would like to recommend a book called Nancy Drew's Guide to Life by Jennifer Worick. It has some great tips.

The awesome magnifying glass is so you can look for clues as to why you are not as awesome as Nancy Drew.

As I vaguely consider myself the Peter O'Toole of relationships (outdated cultural reference alert!), today I would like to offer you this gem from the book, which I plan to use all the time now that I am back on a college campus and surrounded by more than a few young men from wealthy families: "After receiving an electrical shock to the system, find as many men as possible to vigorously massage you."

Oh, Nancy, I will. I will also fight the encroaching robot army.

Fun Fact Friday - Sex Does Sell!

You know I like to keep things topical, dear reader. And what could be more topical and discussion worthy than a naked man in Las Vegas? Well, I just don't know.

Fun fact: Tourism inquiries into Las Vegas vacations have gone up 123 percent since Prince Harry bared his bone.

This according to hotels.com, which I assume has something to do with hotels. Another travel agency type company, Virgin Holidays, which is in this case a rather incongruous name, reports only a 30 percent rise in interest in Las Vegas holidays. But the takeaway point is that nudity works.

Las Vegas tourism even published an ad pertaining to the naked time, which while it presumes outrage, is sure to stir up a little more excitement for Sin City.

We can all learn from this. While the economy may be improving slowly but surely, with the popularity of poorly written porn (re: Fifty Shades of Grey) and the strip billiards tourism boost, I think it's time we all return to the old ad adage: sex sells. We should not ignore this anecdotal evidence! Nudity apparently shrivels the consumer's propensity to save! The answer to all our economic woes could be a package made of a whole lot of stimulus... we just need to sack up and embrace it.

Also, while I am certain I could have also upped my readership by including an image of a Harry penis, I have opted out. I like to keep it classy. That's why all my dicks are hand drawn.

Revenge!

You may or may not know, dear reader, that I have spent my summer (along with the four summers before this one) working at what some might call a water park. Others may have different names for it that include profanities. While I am sure tales of my interactions with a range of guests and my daily struggle against the Beach Boys laden soundtrack could have provided some sense of amusement, it may have also crippled your faith in humanity.

I confess this now, not because I feel you should doubt the ability of people to show even a scrap of human decency, but because tomorrow is my last day for the season - possibly for life. So to bid adieu to my (presumably final) summer in guest relations, I offer you art.

And seeing as Philip has been so popular, here's a splooge-rific limerick:

There once was a small water park,
Where guests did what most saved for dark.
They screwed in the pools
And thinking like fools,
Believed their cum stains would not mark.

Yup. It happens. Sweet dreams!

It Continues...

Tuesdays are an often underrated day of the week. What better way to celebrate this Tuesday than with a healthy helping of phallic fun? If you missed the humble beginnings of our heroic penis, here's how it all began. And now, for your enjoyment, Philip's latest adventure:

Until next time, dear reader!

Fun Fact Friday - In Honor of Curiosity

I am dedicating this Fun Fact Friday to the pursuit of Science. Also, I feel that Science should be capitalized sometimes. If bitches are going to make God all fancy like, why must science be degraded? But I, as I so often do, digress.

So while Curiosity is up on Mars learning new and exciting things about the planet formerly known as Ma'adim ("the one who blushes" in Hebrew (also, you're welcome for this extra fun fact and these double parentheses)), I decided to learn old but equally exciting things about Mars.

Fun fact: In 1976 Viking I took a picture of Mars that showed a rock formation that looked like a humanoid face.

"Oh, why hello!"

I hope I have not startled you with the above image. I almost peed a little when I saw it. A face? On Mars? It is almost as realistic looking as the smudge of paint in my room that looks like a woolly mammoth! For a while apparently some people thought it (by which I mean the face on Mars, not my pet mammoth) was a monument built by aliens. In 2001, NASA had one of their robot friends take a new picture.

Sneaky, sneaky!

So, no face. Alas! There is no Mount Rushmore equivalent on Mars. The Martian mole people have not deified their leaders by etching their faces into the soil. Either that or they have had a large falling out with the previously hailed ruler and decided to literally wipe his face off the face of the planet. The public is a fickle beast.

Also, though this is not related to faces, while learning about Mars, I came across a fact that said if I were to drive a car at 60 miles per hour it would take me 271 years and 221 days to get to Mars. False. If I were driving a car, I would never get to Mars. Though my purple minivan, Gertrude, is delightful, she cannot drive to Mars. She just doesn't have it in her.

Satire Saturday - Social Security

Paul Ryan's landing of the VP spot has stirred feelings in me that I haven't felt for years. A fiscal conservative? A homophobic, anti-women's rights, Midwestern Christian? Oh, sweet Jesus, take me now! I've orgasmed like five times today just thinking about everything Paul Ryan does right. But I do have a bone to pick with Paul.

Social Security is broken, and while I love Paul Ryan's privatization plan, I know in my heart that he isn't going far enough, so I devised my own plan for fixing Social Security.

When the Social Security system was started there were about 46 workers for every recipient. It's projected that by 2040 there will be 2 workers for every recipient. The problem is evident: the skewed ratio will prove a large burden for America's young people. As much as adults love to care for their aging parents, paying for the care of wrinkled strangers loses some of the charm.

While the risk of privatization turns me on a little bit, the plan I have conceived tackles Social Security's imbalance in a more concrete way. The first vital step is to increase the number of workers in America. Several simple measures can be taken to ensure an influx in the country’s lacking number of workers.

The fertility rate in America is only estimated to be 2.06 births per woman. If the government is serious about fixing its problems with Social Security, it needs to increase the fertility rate. While my conservative brethren and I are normally not fans of learning from other countries, especially communists fucks like China, I think this is one place where its okay to make an exception. China has its one-child-only law, and it has come time for America’s three-children-at-least law. A simple government mandate that all couples must have at least three kids will raise the fertility rate in America dramatically. Sarah Palin can't do it alone, guys!

Also, many schools around the United States use abstinence only sex education to teach children that if they have sex, they will always get pregnant with a side of gonorrhea. Although not entirely factual, this teaching method does help lead to an increase in teenage pregnancies. Teenagers are a fertile slice of the American population pie, and their young sexual desires need to be harvested to the fullest extent. We need to require abstinence only education in order to boost teenage pregnancies. Teenagers can be used as a valuable resource in America's reformation of Social Security while we still have the guise of Christian wholesomeness.

A major problem preventing teenagers and other citizens from getting pregnant is the plethora of available birth control. From condoms to spermicide, the list is vast and varied. Unfortunately all methods of birth control are at least somewhat effective. Though my Republican friends and I have done our best over the years, we need to step up our game and outlaw birth control entirely. Failing that, we could resort to trickery. All the condoms manufactured could be sold with holes, the pill could be replaced with a placebo, and so on, until all birth control methods on the market are fakes. It might not be ethical, but since when have we given a damn about that?

By mandating three children from all Americans, increasing teenage pregnancies, and making ineffective birth control, America is bound to become the most fertile nation. The amount of infants will rival the baby boom at least, but still one is left to wonder if merely increasing the amount of potential workers will be enough. Couples may lose their libido and teenagers may opt for oral sex in the face of pregnancy. We need to go further to expand the available income for Social Security.

America is placing restrictions on some of its most able-bodied resources. Children require less food and money to keep them productive workers. Many may argue that the children of the United States should be in schools learning, but by kindergarten it's fairly apparent that the future of a great nation does not lie in all its children. Paste-eaters can be put on the express lane into factory work. The country won't be wasting money on glue guzzling miscreants and children that are not even capable of saying “three” instead of “free” and will be adding to the Social Security money pool at the same time. As an added bonus child labor may help quell the obesity crisis. Nothing knocks those pounds away like heavy machinery!

And still I am not satisfied. The ratio needs more balancing; from 46 workers for every beneficiary to 2 workers for every beneficiary is a big jump that needs to be reversed. Clearly the population of elderly people in the United States needs to be reduced. Americans are living longer than they were nearly fifty years ago when Medicare was tacked onto Social Security. Clearly something is working, and America needs to stop it while it can.

Now Paul Ryan has proposed making Medicare a voucher program. I say, Medicare should be completely eliminated from Social Security and prescription drug costs should go up. The population of elderly will decrease because the government will not be paying for their medication and the elderly themselves will not be able to afford to. Some old man needs his heart medicine and can’t pay? One less grandfather Social Security has to worry about.

A fraction of the population may say it's not compassionate or even moral to refuse to pay for an old man’s heart pills and cause him to die a painful death. Fine. The government can offer another alternative. If old people want their precious medications, the government makes them work for it by military service. Why should the United States waste fresh, young, and healthy people on wars when we have plenty of old people that are bound to kick the bucket soon anyway? We should send Social Security beneficiaries to the Middle East where insurgents can shoot their buckets over. If the elderly manage to survive a year or two, they can come on home and never be denied a bottle of heart pills again.

Yes, privatization is the current conservative path, but this plan is a Republican wet dream! Wars! Injecting government into personal reproductive decisions! Denying people health care! Christian abstinence only sex education! With this modest proposal under their wings, Ryan and Romney are sure to pull it out in November. And after that happens, we can all look forward to a brighter future in the sparkling utopia of America.

Fun Fact Friday - Kissing the Devil's Anus

Today, I thought about finding a fun liver fact. Turns out, livers are not as fun as I thought they would be. I did find this odd picture of junk food people assaulting a liver person:

The internet is a strange place. But I digress. My failure to find fun facts about livers led me to philematology, the study of kissing. Fun opinion: There are a lot more fun facts about kissing than there are about livers.

Fun fact: In the middle ages, it was alleged that witches greeted the devil by kissing his anus.

They even gave the witch/devil ass kissing a fancy Latin name, osculum infame. For those of you who don't speak the Latin, osculum infame translates to "kiss of shame." Really? My money was on rim job.

Rim job or not, the ritual has been alternately described as the way the devil was able to seduce witches, how witches paid homage to the devil, or some part of an initiation process. While I have not made up my mind which explanation I enjoy the most, I did enjoy the lovely depiction I found of the event.

According to folklore, the anus kissing was followed by a feast. I can't decide if that's better or worse or than feasting beforehand. Or before ass, as the case may be.

Though I Have Always Been Partial to Mittens...

Fun Fact Friday - Dr. Suess

First of all, Dr. Suess is the man. Bartholomew Cubbins! What? And The Foot Book got me through some rough times in my youth. So in honor of Theodor Geisel, today's fun fact is about him.

Fun fact: Dr. Suess adopted the pen name Dr. Suess in college after he was banned from writing for the school newspaper because of his underage drinking.

Sure, I may be shattering the image of Dr. Suess you had as a man who was made of mashed potatoes and rainbows, but at least I didn't tell you he wrote a book for adults called The Seven Lady Godivas. Which he did. But don't worry, the nudity is all tasteful.

He doesn't even draw on the nipples, which honestly I found a little disappointing.