Fun Fact Friday - Presidential Pokers

Unsurprisingly, this interblahg post will contain content pertaining to Bill Clinton. I mean, Monica Lewinsky's been in the news! Someone is selling her old clothes. Because who doesn't want clothes someone else may or may not have worn while she may or may not have been blowing the president. I just don't know!

That mustachioed man in the background feels left out. In so many ways.

But Monica aside, I found a fact about presidents. And penises. So here we are.

Fun fact: Of the presidents who were ever, or very nearly, impeached (Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and William Jefferson Clinton) have parts or versions of their names that can be used to mean penis: Johnson, Dick, and Willie.

It is perhaps not the most elegant fun fact. I mean, Richard Nixon famously hated being called Dick. (I know because in high school I used to sign people's yearbooks with inspirational presidential quotes including, "Don't you dare call me Dick.") And as far as I know "Slick Willie" was not Clinton's preferred nickname. But as imperfect as this fun fact may be, I can smell the potential for conspiracy.

After all, so much has been made of the links between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations... why not the penises of impeachable presidents?

Fun Fact Friday - Uncommon Cents

Woah! I'm sorry. I hope you weren't completely blown away by my awesome pun. That could be dangerous. And what could today's fun fact possibly be about? Badgers? Arctic winds? The distinct smell of celery? Probably not rare coins. That shit sounds boring. It really does.

Fun fact: The first official U.S. money was issued in 1787 and carried the inscription "Mind your business."

Yes, this is a fun fact about the illusive Fugio Cent! Purportedly designed by the whoring Ben Franklin, Fugio pennies are worth at least a couple hundred dollars. But that isn't why I give two shits. I just think it's cool that the first U.S. money basically said, "Fuck off."

Seriously. "In God we trust." What kind of shit is that? "Mind your business" is bold. It's brash! It would really give the NSA something to think about instead of our particular pornographic habits. Basically, I think we need a better motto. Sure, "fuck off" would be fun. "Cuddle puddle time!" would be ideal. But anything would be better than saying we place the trust of our economy - of our nation, really - in the hands of a god who sends bears to kill children for mocking a bald man (2 Kings 2:24).

I'm just saying that Ben Franklin banged a lot of women who were significantly younger than he was. Just ask his syphilis. And if he got all those ladies, he clearly had something going for him. Despite the syphilis.

"I do not look like the kind of man that attracts swaths of young ladies." - Benjamin Eileen Franklin

On second thought, maybe we should put "Use a condom" on our money. It's useful, practical, and just the kind of advice that Ben Franklin really should have been giving.

Fun Fact Friday - Tubs of Fun

Bathtubs! Duckies! Loofas!

Death.

Woah. Here we were, contemplating the delights of bath time... the bubbles, the nakedness, the aromatic scent of goat soap... and then I just dropped that bomb on your day. Because it is important to remember your mortality, dear reader. Even on Fun Fact Friday.

Fun fact: The odds of dying in a bathtub are 1 in a million.

Grim. I must admit that I have occasionally become concerned that I will die in the bath. Not because of the danger. But because of the nudity. Let's be real: people look at my ass enough in life.

And sure, it's more likely that I will be murdered or killed by a dog or eaten by the ghost of Ronald Reagan, but here we are. Bathtubs. President Taft. Danger. Butts. Death. 

Be careful, dear reader.

Fun Fact Friday: Deer on Drugs

I spent a significant portion of my day creating a mustachioed banana named BananMan, dear reader. I'd show you, but he isn't quite done. I thought I'd give you a banana fact, but we all know by now that bananas are giant herbs and the most commonly eaten fruit in the Americas and all that shit. How fucking fun is that?

Sometimes I get aggressive about facts. I apologize.

Fun fact: Deer enjoy marijuana.

This photo really shows how much deer love pot. And how you really can find anything on the interwebz.

Although the above picture shows a deer taking a toke, my fact is really more about deer munching on the plants themselves. My fun fact was leaving me (pun alert!) with all sorts of questions about deer on drugs. Why (to the best of my knowledge) have deer never made appearances in classic stoner films? Do deers eat the pot for the flavor or the feeling? Just how do deers experience their high?

Science has not caught up to many of my questions. I did, however, discover a news story from 2007, which references crime fighting deer in connection with a pot plantation bust in Italy. The deer were apparently "unusually frisky," which leads me to believe that high deer are a little horny.

While many mysteries still remain, dear reader (or deer reader, as the case may be), I'm sure this truly useless fact and all my puns have made you wish I had opted for a banana fact like, just for example: reindeer enjoy bananas. Which, yes, does happen to be true.