Fun Fact Friday - Hang On To Your Pants

Every once in a while I find myself at a loss for what fun fact I would like to share with you, dear reader. And then, as is so often the case in life, underwear swoops in to save the day.

My hero.

You may or may not remember, dear reader, that I've talked about underwear a few times before. But can you blame me when there are so many underwear facts out there? And trust me, most of them are fun. But today I focus on the future of underwear.

I just hope the future of underwear does not look like this. Ever.

Fun fact: Scientists have been developing special bacteria to eat underwear in space.

Okay. Space underwear is already way cooler than earth underwear. I mean, it's motherfucking space underwear. But then you don't even have to wash your underwear anymore? That's pretty awesome. But before I get all of our hopes up, dear reader, you should know that there apparently haven't been many developments in the realm of underwear-eating bacteria since the late nineties.

And don't be fooled by the headline of this Kentucky newspaper from 1998. The Russian scientists were still working on ways to perfect underwear consumption.

Front page news in 1998 Kentucky. Just below a picture of children building a brick Christmas tree. True story.

Anyway, scientists wanted to dispose of underwear by having bacteria it eat and then produce methane that could be used for spacecraft energy. Underwear piles up more in space than it does in any given college dorm room, I suppose. Because apparently space also has rules about how often astronauts are allowed to change their underwear, which I did not see in Apollo 13. Thanks, Ron Howard. Just see how much of Cocoon I believe now.

So disappointing. Just like space underwear.

Animosity toward Ron Howard aside, where the hell did all this underwear-eating bacteria research go? If burning up underwear on reentry wasn't good enough in the nineties, are we letting ourselves settle now? I mean, I know the space race is over, but NASA, come on, if you're not investing in shuttles anymore maybe we can beat the Russians on this whole space underwear thing. For science! For honor! For underwear!

Fun Fact Friday - Shiny, Shiny, Shiny!

The Emmy Awards are this Sunday, dear reader. I have again been passed over for best TV viewer, which is incredibly disconcerting. But whatever. It's fine. It's not like I need some silly award to give my life meaning or anything. But it's gold and shiny and holds a thing in the air.

"You're right! I am gold and shiny and hold a thing in the air!" - The Emmy Statuette

But it has inspired my fun fact. You may have noticed that I don't normally do fun facts about the television. I don't want it to get an even more inflated ego than it already has, what with people staring at it all the time. It already struts around feeling fancy as fuck. But today I will make an exception. Mostly because this fun fact also has to do with Congress, so you know it can't get that exciting anyway.

Fun fact: Robert Byrd, former senator from West Virginia, took to the Senate floor in 1967 to protest the cancellation of Gunsmoke.

"God, we're manly. And have really big dicks." - Gunsmoke guys

Turns out, CBS actually didn't cancel Gunsmoke that year. But it likely didn't have anything to do with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Also, I know almost nothing else about Gunsmoke. But it was probably better than The Waltons. Fuck, I hate that show.

Well, until next time, dear reader, imagine yourself swimming in shiny, shiny things. And not with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Fun Fact Friday - Roosevelt's Recipes for Chocolate Covered (Garlic) Balls

Why, hello! May I say that you are looking simply lovely today, dear reader? Now I'm all aflutter! I'll try and pull myself together enough to tell you today's fun fact. But damn, you look good!

Fun fact: Eleanor Roosevelt ate three chocolate covered garlic balls a day.

This was the only picture the google had of chocolate and garlic. Womp, womp.

I know it sounds delicious, dear reader, but Eleanor Roosevelt did it to boost her memory apparently. Doctor's orders. Her doctor was probably just trying out some weird metaphor to get some oral play from Eleanor that didn't work out. And then FLOTUS went home, plopped some garlic in chocolate, and nibbled on her creation while she sang nursery rhymes to her secret squirrel tattoo. Maybe.

I suspect Eleanor also ate the chocolatey garlic to ward off Depression era vampires. Because vampires aren't sexy. Just so we all know. One time I went to see this lady who claimed to be a vampire. She was fucked up. Not sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt? Well, she was sexy.

"I know this is a dog, but I can get pussy, too." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I know I just threw a lot at you, but all you really need to know is that everyone thinks Eleanor Roosevelt was sexy. Even if her breath sometimes smelled too much like chocolate covered garlic balls.

Fun Fact Friday - Pac-Man Uncontrollably Guzzling Cum

Hello, dear reader. You may recognize the title of this interblagh post from Cards Against Humanity, which is a great, if perhaps slightly vulgar, game. This fun fact will not be about that.

But it will be probably more profane than usual because I may or may not have just sent an expletive laced message to the monitors of the LinkedIn support forum. But you should also know that after I frantically typed "fuckballs" in the general direction of the support staff, I also said I was sorry and that they probably smelled wonderful. So it all evens out. Anyway.

Fun fact: Pac-Man, created in 1980, was originally going to be called Puck Man.

Then they realized Puck Man was awfully close to Fuck Man. And people would probably deface all their games to say Fuck Man.

Especially when they realized that Fuck Man really does look like he is eating globules of semen.

And when they realized he loves cherries.

And again when they realized that Fuck Man and Ms. Fuck Man strut around town without any pants on.

So they probably made the right call. After all, the song "Pac-Man Fever" peaked at number nine on the Billboard Hot 100. Yeah, that happened.