Paul Ryan's landing of the VP spot has
stirred feelings in me that I haven't felt for years. A fiscal
conservative? A homophobic, anti-women's rights, Midwestern
Christian? Oh, sweet Jesus, take me now! I've orgasmed like five
times today just thinking about everything Paul Ryan does right. But
I do have a bone to pick with Paul.
Social Security is broken, and while I
love Paul Ryan's privatization plan, I know in my heart that he isn't
going far enough, so I devised my own plan for fixing Social
Security.
When the Social Security system was
started there were about 46 workers for every recipient. It's
projected that by 2040 there will be 2 workers for every recipient.
The problem is evident: the skewed ratio will prove a large burden
for America's young people. As much as adults love to care for their
aging parents, paying for the care of wrinkled strangers loses some
of the charm.
While the risk of privatization turns
me on a little bit, the plan I have conceived tackles Social
Security's imbalance in a more concrete way. The first vital step is
to increase the number of workers in America. Several simple measures
can be taken to ensure an influx in the country’s lacking number of
workers.
The fertility rate in America is only
estimated to be 2.06 births per woman. If the government is serious
about fixing its problems with Social Security, it needs to increase
the fertility rate. While my conservative brethren and I are normally
not fans of learning from other countries, especially communists
fucks like China, I think this is one place where its okay to make an
exception. China has its one-child-only law, and it has come time for
America’s three-children-at-least law. A simple government mandate
that all couples must have at least three kids will raise the
fertility rate in America dramatically. Sarah Palin can't do it
alone, guys!
Also, many schools around the United
States use abstinence only sex education to teach children that if
they have sex, they will always get pregnant with a side of
gonorrhea. Although not entirely factual, this teaching method does
help lead to an increase in teenage pregnancies. Teenagers are a
fertile slice of the American population pie, and their young sexual
desires need to be harvested to the fullest extent. We need to
require abstinence only education in order to boost teenage
pregnancies. Teenagers can be used as a valuable resource in
America's reformation of Social Security while we still have the
guise of Christian wholesomeness.
A major problem preventing teenagers
and other citizens from getting pregnant is the plethora of available
birth control. From condoms to spermicide, the list is vast and
varied. Unfortunately all methods of birth control are at least
somewhat effective. Though my Republican friends and I have done our
best over the years, we need to step up our game and outlaw birth
control entirely. Failing that, we could resort to trickery. All the
condoms manufactured could be sold with holes, the pill could be
replaced with a placebo, and so on, until all birth control methods
on the market are fakes. It might not be ethical, but since when have
we given a damn about that?
By mandating three children from all
Americans, increasing teenage pregnancies, and making ineffective
birth control, America is bound to become the most fertile nation.
The amount of infants will rival the baby boom at least, but still
one is left to wonder if merely increasing the amount of potential
workers will be enough. Couples may lose their libido and teenagers
may opt for oral sex in the face of pregnancy. We need to go further
to expand the available income for Social Security.
America is placing restrictions on some
of its most able-bodied resources. Children require less food and
money to keep them productive workers. Many may argue that the
children of the United States should be in schools learning, but by
kindergarten it's fairly apparent that the future of a great nation
does not lie in all its children. Paste-eaters can be put on the
express lane into factory work. The country won't be wasting money on
glue guzzling miscreants and children that are not even capable of
saying “three” instead of “free” and will be adding to the
Social Security money pool at the same time. As an added bonus child
labor may help quell the obesity crisis. Nothing knocks those pounds
away like heavy machinery!
And still I am not satisfied. The ratio
needs more balancing; from 46 workers for every beneficiary to 2
workers for every beneficiary is a big jump that needs to be
reversed. Clearly the population of elderly people in the United
States needs to be reduced. Americans are living longer than they
were nearly fifty years ago when Medicare was tacked onto Social
Security. Clearly something is working, and America needs to stop it
while it can.
Now Paul Ryan has proposed making
Medicare a voucher program. I say, Medicare should be completely
eliminated from Social Security and prescription drug costs should go
up. The population of elderly will decrease because the government
will not be paying for their medication and the elderly themselves
will not be able to afford to. Some old man needs his heart medicine
and can’t pay? One less grandfather Social Security has to worry
about.
A fraction of the population may say
it's not compassionate or even moral to refuse to pay for an old
man’s heart pills and cause him to die a painful death. Fine. The
government can offer another alternative. If old people want their
precious medications, the government makes them work for it by
military service. Why should the United States waste fresh, young,
and healthy people on wars when we have plenty of old people that are
bound to kick the bucket soon anyway? We should send Social Security
beneficiaries to the Middle East where insurgents can shoot their
buckets over. If the elderly manage to survive a year or two, they
can come on home and never be denied a bottle of heart pills again.
Yes, privatization is the current
conservative path, but this plan is a Republican wet dream! Wars!
Injecting government into personal reproductive decisions! Denying
people health care! Christian abstinence only sex education! With
this modest proposal under their wings, Ryan and Romney are sure to
pull it out in November. And after that happens, we can all look
forward to a brighter future in the sparkling utopia of America.
