Fun Fact Friday - I Am a Twelve-Year-Old Boy

I am a twelve-year-old boy. That's not the fun fact, because it is technically not factual and probably not all that fun, but come on! Urine, feces, genitalia, weird animal sex facts? I can practically feel my middle school days rushing back. By which I mean in middle school I was twelve and looked like a boy. In any case, today's fun fact will not break the mold on that because it's about lap dancers. And menstruation.

Fun fact: Exotic dancers earn less money in tips when they are menstruating.

This is what they're teaching me at school. Today I went to a special English department lecture and ended up learning that. Hoo-fucking-rah, right?

Of course, I am not one to take half-naked lady facts lightly. I needed corroboration. And it turns out some psychologists at the University of New Mexico did a survey of lap dancers to determine when in their menstrual cycles dancers got the best tips. They even made a chart.

I could give you more data, but honestly, I think I've said enough about menstruation as it is.

Except actually, in the early days of the company, Disney made a film called The Story of Menstruation. It's believed to be the first movie to use the word "vagina." As if you needed another reason to love Disney movies, right?

Some stills from the vagina movie. Classic.

And now I have officially said enough about menstruation.

Fun Fact Friday - Missed Opportunity

Yesterday was Friday. And Fun Fact Saturday just isn't a thing. Sure, there's still some alliteration, but it's just not the same.

So I'm sorry about missing Fun Fact Friday. I am sure, dear reader, that you pined for knowledge and, perhaps, me. That may not be the case. Yesterday I spent a good portion of my day on a bus, and as conducive as buses are to the learning of fun facts, I only gained the knowledge that one of my fellow passengers has very particular pillow tastes. (She can only sleep on pillows that aren't her pillows when she is in a hotel and has to, guys. It's important, okay?)

Anyway I was going to share something probably interesting with you. It's banned book week! I was going to find some awesome fact about banned books, but I did not. And now this may just seem like a cruel taunt. So as what I hope may be some small consolation I offer you this bit of information that I heard on NPR today:

People are ninety percent poop.

There was something about poop transplants. (I now want one, just by the way.) They mentioned something about microbes or bacteria or organisms. There was something about MS involved and a man from Australia. I would tell you more, but I had to get out of the car before the story ended and I don't know if the "people are ninety percent poop" was ever really explained in a way that can be easily organized onto a people/poop pie chart. I was mostly distracted by the fact that a show on NPR (or perhaps just its New Hampshire affiliate station NHPR) dedicated a significant number of minutes to discussing poop.

Poop, I say! They were talking about poop!

So, I am sorry that I missed our date yesterday, dear reader. But in the past I have found that talking about feces heals all wounds. So hopefully, in some small way, this shit will make up for it.

Collegiate Quotes - Volume 1

I have been working on a collection of delightful overheard quotes as I wander around my school's campus this fall. Today, I bring the first collection of those quotes. Particularly enjoy the pompous ones.

"Ugh! I just missed such a great instagram opportunity!"

"I have a green leather jacket, a black leather jacket, and a brown leather jacket."

Referring to a row of 24 beer bottles along a counter in the kitchen: "Wow. Look at that line of bottles! We accomplished something important today."

"The thing that really sucks is how much more I have to do laundry here."

Referring to some male friend: "That tall guy got that shirt at Walmart. He wears it to be an asshole."

"Since I went to a prep school I was told that the work level would be about the same or less difficult..."

If you have personally collected any gems, let me know. I'd enjoy the help, even though I'm sure I'll personally hear more stupid shit.

Fun Fact Friday - Rhino Time

First fun fact: I fucking love rhinos. In fact, dear reader, you should be impressed that all the fun facts until this point haven't been about rhinos. Sometimes, at museums I seek out models of rhinos and identify which of the five types of rhino the model is before looking at the info card provided. Why? Because I am a nerd. And because I love rhinos.

How could I not obsessively love this?

Fun fact: Scientists believe that rhino charging isn't an act of aggression, rather one driven by poor eyesight.

Rhinos are awesome at a lot of things. Like stealing my heart and lathering themselves in mud, but they do not have fantastic vision. When they see objects in the distance, they often charge at it in order to find out what the fuck they half-see. That's not to say that if you are charged at by a rhino, you should just hang out thinking that the rhino wants to get a better look at beautiful you. But I am not actually sure what you should do if a rhino charges at you. This is something I have not learned about rhinos. Because I love them. And even if I am speared to death by a rhino someday because I chose to learn that rhino horns are actually made of hardened rhino hair rather than what to do when that horn gets ever closer to me at an alarming rate (of up to 40mph, depending on the species), then I will still die in a pretty badass way. But for now, as I sit safely in my room with my four toy rhinos to play with, I can simply picture rhinos like this:

In Other Words - No Shit

The latest in repurposed vulgarities...

Fun Fact Friday - Jeez, Virginia, Already?

Fun fact: On this day in 1897 "Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus" was first published in The New York Sun.

Perhaps I am not as patient as Francis Pharcellus Church, who penned the defense of Santa, but for fuck's sake, Virginia! It's goddamn September. Have a little patience. And sure, it's 1897 and you don't want to spend all day glowering at people on your bike, but find something to amuse yourself for a few months.

Seriously. September. You have three months to go. Pull it together.

In related news, I am not good with children.

The Return of the Philip

Oh, why hello! It's time for this month's installment of dick. Hoo-rah! (If you missed last month, get caught up here.)

Until next time, stay classy!