Fun Fact Friday - Sweet, Sweet Justice

You may have thought, dear reader, that I squandered an opportunity last week. The Supreme Court had started its fall term, and I blathered on about murderous kittens. And I don't often do Supreme Court fun facts because not many people have t-shirts for their favorite justice like I do. It would have been the perfect excuse.

But you underestimate me, dear reader. Today was another conference day. Another perfect day for a fun fact. And I promise you it's fun. Don't give up on me now. After all, last time I did a SCOTUS fun fact, there were strippers involved. That's right. Strippers.

Fun fact: Three Supreme Court justices - Salmon P. Chase, Felix Frankfurter, and Warren E. Burger - shared their names with food.

"Babe, I wouldn't mind being caught on your hook." - Salmon P. Chase

"I'd love to slide into your buns." - Felix Frankfurter

"Just cover me in mustard and swallow." - Warren E. Burger

I know. Supreme Court justices say the filthiest things to me! I don't know what it is. Maybe they enjoy my briefs. I really can't be certain.

But high court come-ons aside, they have food names. And if the rumors about Ruth Bader Ginsburg looking towards retirement turn out to be true, I'm hoping President Obama will look at appointing someone else with a delicious name. Like Rebecca Bean. Or Elizabeth Chocolate Syrup. Then we'd really know how sweet justice can be.

Surprised Animal Sunday

I'm starting a thing. It's going to be like pregnant people incessantly posting pictures of their swollen stomachs on the Facebook.

That's right. It's going to be huge.

By which I mean, probably not. But I do hope, dear reader, that you will enjoy it.

For awhile I have been assaulting a former coworker of mine with pictures of surprised animals. And holy shitballs, it has been rewarding. Emotionally. Because surprised animals.

Fun Fact Friday - Kittens of Doom

"Woah! Kittens of doom‽" I like to imagine you exclaiming whilst you braid your extra long armpit hair. You see, dear reader, in my mind you are very engaged in reading this interblag and a bit of a freak. And I know the facts don't bear that out. The google masters say that you should actually be part of some Latvian phishing scam. But I don't like to think of you that way. I like to think of you as a part-time nudist, a full-time sassy mentor, and someone who should perhaps find hobbies that don't include extreme body hair manipulation. But enough about you! There are kittens to discuss!

Holy fuckbuttons! They're spooning! Flurbinkgutskunk!

Fun fact: People once believed that cats stole babies' breath.

By which I mean to say that people think cats are murderers. And yes, cats are violent little killers. Scientists did a study that said cats are the deadliest motherfuckers out there. But killing human babies? That seems a little farfetched. Not farfetched enough to mean that people don't still believe it. But what do you want? People to be rational? I'm sorry. You seem to be in the wrong place.

The superstition seems to go back to people thinking cats were witches' bitches. Or, if you're into folkloric terminology, familiars. Basically cats would go out and do witches' bidding, which obviously includes killing babies.

Underpants.

A coroner's report from 1791 actually cited strangulation by a cat as the cause of death. And sure, we can all sneer and say, "That was the 1700s!" but four years ago some doctors writing for the Houston Chronicle said that cats get wicked jealous of newborns and sit on their faces. To murder them. That's right. Pediatric experts said in the year 2009 that they think cats are capable of premeditated murder. Because cats have mens rea written all over their smug little faces.

Murder, I say! Murder!

And I don't know where I planned to go with this fun fact, dear reader. We started with your armpit hair and somehow ended up with doctors providing a new, if implausible, "ripped from the headlines" plot twist for the writers of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. But here we are. And my beloved cat, who I have affectionately nicknamed Pooper, is still wandering in the wild outdoors. Which is a terrible shame because I desperately need to hug him and tell him that I know that if he were going to murder me he surely would have done it by now because I snuggle the bejeezus out of him when he would really prefer to be sleeping. And he's a cat. He's a fucking cat. Who honestly would probably appreciate it if a baby appeared and starting shitting everywhere because then my unemployed ass would have less time to relentlessly assault him with cuddles. But here we are, my dear Latvian phishing scheme reader. Here we are.

Fun Fact Friday - Hang On To Your Pants

Every once in a while I find myself at a loss for what fun fact I would like to share with you, dear reader. And then, as is so often the case in life, underwear swoops in to save the day.

My hero.

You may or may not remember, dear reader, that I've talked about underwear a few times before. But can you blame me when there are so many underwear facts out there? And trust me, most of them are fun. But today I focus on the future of underwear.

I just hope the future of underwear does not look like this. Ever.

Fun fact: Scientists have been developing special bacteria to eat underwear in space.

Okay. Space underwear is already way cooler than earth underwear. I mean, it's motherfucking space underwear. But then you don't even have to wash your underwear anymore? That's pretty awesome. But before I get all of our hopes up, dear reader, you should know that there apparently haven't been many developments in the realm of underwear-eating bacteria since the late nineties.

And don't be fooled by the headline of this Kentucky newspaper from 1998. The Russian scientists were still working on ways to perfect underwear consumption.

Front page news in 1998 Kentucky. Just below a picture of children building a brick Christmas tree. True story.

Anyway, scientists wanted to dispose of underwear by having bacteria it eat and then produce methane that could be used for spacecraft energy. Underwear piles up more in space than it does in any given college dorm room, I suppose. Because apparently space also has rules about how often astronauts are allowed to change their underwear, which I did not see in Apollo 13. Thanks, Ron Howard. Just see how much of Cocoon I believe now.

So disappointing. Just like space underwear.

Animosity toward Ron Howard aside, where the hell did all this underwear-eating bacteria research go? If burning up underwear on reentry wasn't good enough in the nineties, are we letting ourselves settle now? I mean, I know the space race is over, but NASA, come on, if you're not investing in shuttles anymore maybe we can beat the Russians on this whole space underwear thing. For science! For honor! For underwear!

Fun Fact Friday - Shiny, Shiny, Shiny!

The Emmy Awards are this Sunday, dear reader. I have again been passed over for best TV viewer, which is incredibly disconcerting. But whatever. It's fine. It's not like I need some silly award to give my life meaning or anything. But it's gold and shiny and holds a thing in the air.

"You're right! I am gold and shiny and hold a thing in the air!" - The Emmy Statuette

But it has inspired my fun fact. You may have noticed that I don't normally do fun facts about the television. I don't want it to get an even more inflated ego than it already has, what with people staring at it all the time. It already struts around feeling fancy as fuck. But today I will make an exception. Mostly because this fun fact also has to do with Congress, so you know it can't get that exciting anyway.

Fun fact: Robert Byrd, former senator from West Virginia, took to the Senate floor in 1967 to protest the cancellation of Gunsmoke.

"God, we're manly. And have really big dicks." - Gunsmoke guys

Turns out, CBS actually didn't cancel Gunsmoke that year. But it likely didn't have anything to do with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Also, I know almost nothing else about Gunsmoke. But it was probably better than The Waltons. Fuck, I hate that show.

Well, until next time, dear reader, imagine yourself swimming in shiny, shiny things. And not with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Fun Fact Friday - Roosevelt's Recipes for Chocolate Covered (Garlic) Balls

Why, hello! May I say that you are looking simply lovely today, dear reader? Now I'm all aflutter! I'll try and pull myself together enough to tell you today's fun fact. But damn, you look good!

Fun fact: Eleanor Roosevelt ate three chocolate covered garlic balls a day.

This was the only picture the google had of chocolate and garlic. Womp, womp.

I know it sounds delicious, dear reader, but Eleanor Roosevelt did it to boost her memory apparently. Doctor's orders. Her doctor was probably just trying out some weird metaphor to get some oral play from Eleanor that didn't work out. And then FLOTUS went home, plopped some garlic in chocolate, and nibbled on her creation while she sang nursery rhymes to her secret squirrel tattoo. Maybe.

I suspect Eleanor also ate the chocolatey garlic to ward off Depression era vampires. Because vampires aren't sexy. Just so we all know. One time I went to see this lady who claimed to be a vampire. She was fucked up. Not sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt? Well, she was sexy.

"I know this is a dog, but I can get pussy, too." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I know I just threw a lot at you, but all you really need to know is that everyone thinks Eleanor Roosevelt was sexy. Even if her breath sometimes smelled too much like chocolate covered garlic balls.

Fun Fact Friday - Pac-Man Uncontrollably Guzzling Cum

Hello, dear reader. You may recognize the title of this interblagh post from Cards Against Humanity, which is a great, if perhaps slightly vulgar, game. This fun fact will not be about that.

But it will be probably more profane than usual because I may or may not have just sent an expletive laced message to the monitors of the LinkedIn support forum. But you should also know that after I frantically typed "fuckballs" in the general direction of the support staff, I also said I was sorry and that they probably smelled wonderful. So it all evens out. Anyway.

Fun fact: Pac-Man, created in 1980, was originally going to be called Puck Man.

Then they realized Puck Man was awfully close to Fuck Man. And people would probably deface all their games to say Fuck Man.

Especially when they realized that Fuck Man really does look like he is eating globules of semen.

And when they realized he loves cherries.

And again when they realized that Fuck Man and Ms. Fuck Man strut around town without any pants on.

So they probably made the right call. After all, the song "Pac-Man Fever" peaked at number nine on the Billboard Hot 100. Yeah, that happened.