Fun Fact Friday - Side Order of Uranus

Hello, dear reader! I hope you're enjoying the end of this year. I hear 2014 will have 50% more naked time for you. I, myself, am moving to a nudist colony, so I expect a substantial increase in naked time as well. You may be saying, "But Jes, it's December. And I happen to know you live in a colder clime." I applaud what could be considered your somewhat creepy attention to the details of my life, dear reader. But I find winter in New England is the perfect time to move to a nudist colony. I've never been very good at volleyball, so it is nice to enjoy the indoor activities I imagine nudists occupy their time with. Like Monopoly! And reading fine literature while eating finger sandwiches.

But it's cool if you stand in front of the bushes and masturbate. Don't worry.

Nudist colonies aside, I have the final fun fact of 2013 for you today, dear reader. And I have even put on my party galoshes for such a fine occasion.

Fun fact: Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side.

Uranus is really lovely this time of night.

I hope you find this fact useful for formulating somewhat immature, but informed, space pickup lines. "Are you wearing space pants?" is a beautiful and well-crafted line because your ass certainly is out of this world, but I find that I yearn to have more fact-founded flirtations. Maybe by the time 2014 comes along, I will have thought of something more elegant than "I hope Uranus rotates on my side." I'm not even sure how that hopes to be sexy. I'll work on it.

Perhaps the fact that Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope is a better flirtatious fact. "I wish I had a telescope, because I'd like to get a closer look at Uranus..." That has a certain cachet, I think. Feel free to try and get lucky with either of those, but I encourage you to craft your own. I'd love to hear anything you come up with. I hear nudists love planetary pickup lines.

And I hope these Uranus facts bring you the confidence you need in the coming year, dear reader. Giving people more space has never been so easy.

Fun Fact Friday - Will Shortz's Wet Dream

You're looking very attractive today, dear reader. And I am feeling very attractive inside my little heart. What a day!

And what a day tomorrow will be! If you've seen the Google doodle, you know that the first crossword was published a 100 years ago tomorrow. I can just imagine NY Times crossword editor Will Shortz popping open a bottle of champagne and puzzling to his heart's content tonight. And I've done a crossword fun fact before, but today, because of tomorrow, I'll give you another one.

Fun fact: The world's largest crossword puzzle has over 91,000 squares and over 24,000 clues.

"I hung this too high." - Sweater Lady

You can actually buy that shit. On the interwebs. Or in stores. In fact, I filed in one clue on a copy of the world's largest crossword puzzle that a store had on display. So yeah, I am pretty cool. Thank you for thinking that, dear reader. So few people do.

So that puzzle, measures about 49 square feet. But there is another big-ass crossword puzzle in the Ukraine.

"Oh, hi. I'm just a crossword puzzle. On the side of a fucking building." - Big-ass Puzzle

So if you are looking for a way to kill some time, I recommend either one of these. Sure, the building one has fewer squares, but it's also in Cyrillic. So it would take you a good chunk of time, I imagine. Good luck!

Fun Fact Friday - Monopoly on Fun

I once had a monopoly on fun, dear reader. Then Teddy Roosevelt kicked my ass. I wrote him a strongly worded letter in response, which began a period of pen palling around. Our correspondence quickly became romantic. I shan't go into details, but we had a long, lurid affair that puts all other presidential affairs to shame. But it all ended in heartbreak, dear reader. I won't say for whom. I've probably already said too much.

"They don't call me a Rough Rider for nothing!" - Teddy

In any case, I no longer hold the monopoly on fun. But I do have a fun fact for you. About monopoly. I know, it's kismet.

Fun fact: The longest game of Monopoly played in a bathtub lasted 99 hours.

Naked Monopoly? I wish I knew. I've confirmed this fun fact with many sources, but none of them have any details.

"But were they naked‽" - Uncle Pennybags

As I have no answers, I like to believe that Teddy Roosevelt and I played that epic game of bathtub Monopoly. It was so long ago that sometimes I forget how the breakup really began, but it seems very likely that Teddy Roosevelt and I got into an irreconcilable spat after such a long and brutal bout of Monopoly.

The game was new when T.R. and I played our record setting game, but it has not been broken in the hundred or so years that have since passed. I guess most people understand that bathtub Monopoly only leads to heartache.

"When I play bathtub Monopoly, I wear only my mustache." - Uncle Pennybags

Well, until next time, dear reader, may your life be filled with fun and may your bath be filled with James K. Polk and a travel edition of Scrabble.

Fun Fact Friday - Crème de la Cock

You're filthy, dear reader. I know what you're thinking, and I am appalled. Today's fun fact is about roosters!

He was going for an elegant shot for his dating profile.

Sometimes, when I've had an off day, I like to look at pictures of roosters on the internet. And then I have a nice giggle fit. Because I'm basically a giant child. And so yesterday, when I was sitting around, just browsing rooster photos to enliven myself, I thought I would brighten your day with a hearty helping of cock and a fun fact.

"I'm so rustic right now. You don't even know." - Rooster McPants-McManahan

Fun fact: Lady chickens can eject rooster sperm if they decide they've got something better going on.

Well, hold the phone. That sounds like a damn handy skill. Every once in a while, I learn an animal fact that really makes me doubt the benefits of my species. Sure, I have thumbs, but who needs thumbs when you're a bird? Flying around, pecking out eyes, ejecting sperm....

This is what I like to imagine roosters look like in the post-apocalyptic hellscape we've been promised.

Also, as a bonus fun fact, I'd like you to know that when roosters try and woo the ladies, they do a little rooster dance. Which is called tidbitting. And then the hens are all sitting around saying, "Damn, look at Frankfurt tidbit! I wish I weren't already spermed up courtesy of Ralph. He can't tidbit like that!" And then they don't have to have Ralph's sperm because they eject the sperm! And can get with Frankfurt. Or someone else. Because there are 25 billion chickens in the world. So why settle?

"No one has to settle. I'm here." - Henry T. Pompadour

You don't have to settle either, dear reader. There's a whole wide world out there. And if all else fails, there's an internet full of roosters.