Fun Fact Friday - We Have Nothing to Fear but EVERYTHING

It's true, dear reader. You have everything to fear. Particularly the cold clutches of eternal slumber. Our inevitable demises draw nearer with each passing breath, so why not live in constant fear of the things that surround us before we must voyage into the great unknown?

So much sass, so little life.

And I know the perfect way to follow a morbid reminder of your mortality. Why, a fun fact!

Fun fact: Phobatrivaphobia is the fear of trivia about phobias.

That's beautiful, isn't it? Oddly poetic. And you just know that some sick fuck found out his friend had a phobia of trivia about phobias and decided to make up a name for it so that he could torture his friend with that bit of trivia about phobias.

On a related note, Sigmund Freud and I share a fear of ferns.

Cripes, I hate ferns.

A fear of ferns? Yes. I happen to find spores incredibly unsettling, but I hear Freud feared ferns for they reminded him of penises brushing up against his calves. He did not care for that.

Well, until next time, dear reader! Unless the ferns reunite us with the soil from which we came before then....

Fun Fact Friday - Aging Elegantly

Oh! Why, hello! Do you ever wish you were older, dear reader? And I don't mean you, swaths of dear prepubescent readers who wish you would grow out of that awkward phase. No. I have something better in mind, and it brings us to today's fun fact.

Fun fact: Liechtenstein is the world's leading producer of false teeth.

"I'm awkward and small and just want to be loved." - Liechtenstein

Let's face facts, dear reader. We're all really just waiting for the day when the dentist says we can get dentures. (This is, of course, assuming all my completely legitimate fears about dentists being serial killers don't pan out before that day arrives.) Once you have dentures, you can pop your teeth out and frighten small children. You can nibble your own ear if you feel lonely. You can even bite people from across the room!

Nom.

And I know having dentures means giving up on raspberry jam that still has the seeds in it, which really is miles better than seedless raspberry jam, but being a crazy old person is the dream we're all chasing. Who doesn't long for the day when talking to yourself out-loud and in public is just another lovable trait? And I can't wait until I get to wear diapers again.

So I think it is time we celebrated Liechtenstein for the heroic country it is! With its sassy castle and sausage casing! With its ridiculously low unemployment rate and Franz I von Liechtenstein!

"I mustache you to call me Franz." - Prince Franz I

So next time you meet someone from Liechtenstein, dear reader, remember to thank them. Because someday you may be lucky enough to have false teeth. You'll adjust your diaper, buy yourself your first jar of seedless raspberry jam, and gleefully eat spoonfuls of it while thinking of Vaduz. You will settle in for an evening of watching Murder, She Wrote without ever having to worry about getting up to pee. And then, as Angela Lansbury closes the case, you will flash a final goodnight smile to Liechtenstein before taking out your new false teeth and drifting to sleep at 9 p.m. while humming the final verse to Oben am jungen Rhein.

Fun Fact Friday - God Doesn't Eat Pi

Today is Pi Day, dear reader, and I hate to admit that my own celebrations have been rather lackluster. I haven't drawn any circles. I haven't memorized any digits. And worst of all, this morning I ate some scones. Square scones. Yeah, I'm a bitch.

But I do have a pi related fun fact for you. I hope it makes your day 3.1415926 et cetera times better.

Fun Fact: John Donne, noted pointy-beard proponent and poet, thought that trying to square a circle was going against God.

"I'm wearing a circular ruff because I love Jesus." - John Donne

"But where's the pi?" I like to imagine you shouting, dear reader. "You promised us some pi!"

I'm afraid I have to ask you to calm down.

Anyway, squaring the circle, or trying to make a square and circle with the exact same area, used to be popular amusement for mathematically inclined people. Especially people in prison. I'm looking at you, Anaxagoras! And in case you don't have fond memories of finding the area of a log's cross-section with Mr. Larson in the third grade, you may need to be reminded that pi is important for finding the area of circles. So there's your pi! But what of Pointy-Beard McPoetry?

Well, John Donne wrote this poem called "Upon the Translations of the Psalms by Sir Philip Sydney, and the Countess of Pembroke, His Sister." Okay. Can we talk about how much John Donne sucks at titles? That title is so bad, I'm going to pay someone to pee on it later.

"I also once wrote a poem about how I want to get in your pants. For Jesus." - John Donne

Anyway, there is this bit right at the beginning of the poem where Donne equates squaring the circle with trying to rationalize God even though he is eternal and infinite and all that jazz.

Seems pretty legit, right? I remember that part of the Bible when God said unto Moses, "Thou shalt not toil with the circles and the squares for they are unclean. Whoever so meddles with the maths shall be put to death. Or perhaps just chastised in a poorly-titled poem."

"I'm so Donne with poems right now." - Pi

And maybe John Donne would feel that his metaphor is vindicated by the fact that you can't square the circle because pi is a tricky little transcendental, but then world record holder Hiroyoki Gotu would recite pi to 42,195 digits, John Donne's head would explode, and we could all have a nice piece of pie.

Fun Fact Friday - Congressional Monsters

Do you ever think about partially homogenized milk, dear reader? I have. Once or twice. It's not a big deal. But it's not what today's fun fact is about.

Fun fact: Elmo is the only nonhuman to testify before Congress.

You try looking this good while surrounded by Congress.

It was the spring of 2002. No (literal) monster had ever been called before the Congress before, but Elmo had a freshly tailored suit and the perfect tie for the occasion.

Yes. I am partial to purple ties, but red really brings out his fur.

Elmo spoke stirringly about music education in schools. Then this guy, who looks vaguely like one of the professors I had in college, whispered sweet nothings in the love of my life's ear.

Hot damn!

The only weird part of the story? Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham, also known as that guy who took bribes and went to prison and now wants to write books in the forest, invited Elmo to speak.

Anyway, I'm off to testify before the the House Agricultural Subcommittee on Livestock, Rural Development, and Credit. Happy Fun Fact Friday, dear reader!