Fun Fact Friday - Cereal Liars

I am in quite a huff. A huff that will likely not even be healed by Fun Fact Friday. Probably because it is this very fun fact that has gotten me in such a huff!

Fun fact: All-Bran is 87% bran.

"Everything I have ever told you is a lie. I am not all bran. And I don't love you." - Phineas E. All-Bran

This is worse than the day I discovered JC Penney was not JC Penny. And that was a devastating day.

These ones are probably even less bran.

Sure, you might not eat All-Bran. I don't. I like pooping to be a challenge. But it just makes me think about all the cereals that have probably lied to me over the years. Maybe I shouldn't judge them all by the All-Bran standard of deception. But what if Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is not cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

"I'm not cuckoo. I'm just somewhat excitable." - Sonny

What if Baron Von Redberry preferred blueberries? What if Snap, Crackle, and Pop prefer to be known by their Swiss names of Piff, Paff, and Poff? And worst of all, what if Tony the Tiger is actually a panther who painted his orange stripes on to sell cereal?

I just can't deal with all this pain. I mean, I always knew Lucky Charms cereal wasn't magically delicious. But now All-Bran has turned on us? This is a pain that cannot be healed. Not even by a gentle stroke of the thigh from the Quaker Oat man.

Fun Fact Friday - Lappish Leaks

I've never been to Lapland, dear reader, but I hear it's lovely this time of year. On a related note, my Finnish-themed strip club, which is also called Lapland, is lovely any time of year. Stop in today!

But enough of co-ed naked strippers. We have more exciting things to attend to. I am, of course, referring to this week's fun fact.

Fun fact: There is an old Lappish measurement, poronkusema, which refers to the distance a reindeer can walk before stopping to urinate.

"Oh, hi." - Ernest T. Reindeer

Apparently poronkusema has now come to refer to something that is an indefinite distance away. Which is actually good because the internet can't seem to agree if reindeer have to stop every 4.5 or every 6 miles to take a leak. Having never urinated with a reindeer, I can offer you nothing more certain.

But this also brings up the fact that reindeer cannot walk and pee at the same time, which is often cited as the reason that this term exists. I would have thought it really had more to do with their small bladders.

But now I am wondering what animals can walk and pee at the same time. I am pretty sure I have never seen anything walk and pee at the same time. I have personally never tried, but I imagine that for humans, walking and peeing at the same time would be messy. So maybe reindeer can walk and pee at the same time, but they just don't want to have urine all over their legs.

"You really think I want to pee all over myself?" - Bertram T. Unimpressed

I am vaguely offended that it is suggested reindeer can't do something, when in fact they might just want to be neat and fine smelling to impress their reindeer friends. Goodness knows that is why I don't pee all over myself. It's for you, dear reader. It's all for you.

Fun Fact Friday - Meh

Woah. Look at all the enthusiasm in that title. And in that woah. But fear not, dear reader, this fun fact is, in fact, very fun.

Fun fact: In Japan, sheep are said to say "meh."

"Meh." - Sheep E. Woolworth

That's right! Sure, we all thought that roosters had the best global variations in noisemaking, but I am afraid the title must now go to sheep. And I know it was fun to run around screaming "bah" when you played the classic children's game known as Supreme Sheep, but we have something far better now.

They would wave their hands in the air like they just didn't care, but they care even less than that.

Now we can imagine legions of apathetic sheep. And that is all I have ever wanted.