Fun Fact Friday - Sports?

You may have noticed, dear reader, that I don't often do fun facts about sports. In fact, I don't think I have ever done one. But today, after toying around with the idea of Napoleon's testicle, I decided to broaden my horizons. Tackle sports, if you will. And though I don't often, I will apologize for that pun. I can't be sophisticated with my word play when I am trying so hard to make sports trivia interesting to myself.

Also, for those of you interested in Napoleon's testicle, I'm sure I'll get past just playing around with it in the future. Fear not, brave reader. But now to sports!

Fun fact: Babe Ruth kept cool during baseball games by wearing a cabbage leaf in his hat.

Now, you may be saying, "Hey! This is really more of a vegetable fact!" No. Babe Ruth. Baseball. Sports.

"I have three bats. Because I'm a bad ass mother fucker." - Babe Ruth

Apparently he changed it every two innings. And then saved the used leaves to make a delicious meal with some carrots and potatoes.

Truth be told, I do not know what he did with the retired - and probably wilted - cabbage leaves. A sports mystery for the ages apparently! But if you are looking to keep cool like the bambino, some accounts allege that it was a wet cabbage leaf. And may I also recommend Brussels sprouts for the balls?

Cabbages are BAMFs too. Just because.

Testicles aside, I will admit there is a lovely, if somewhat clumsy, sort of poetry about keeping part of one's head cool with part of another head. So here's to cabbage! And to Babe Ruth, too. Because let's be real: he's one of the only baseball players I know.

Fun Fact Friday - Sperm, Sperm, Sperm!

I am a cold blooded killer, dear reader. By which I mean, thanks to double jeopardy I can never be convicted for smashing the stupid-ass fruit fly against my leg just moments ago. I've been tried and acquitted, so it is time for a fun fact. In honor of the deceased bug whose guts still cling to my palm and thigh, it is a fun fact about fruit flies. And their sperm.

Fun fact: Fruit flies have the comparatively longest sperm of any creature.

Before all you men go off and weep about your short little swimmers, you have longer sperm than fruit flies, but compared to their body size, fruit flies are loaded with semen. That's right - they can have sperm 20 times the length of their body. And men, you do not want 120-foot-long sperm. I certainly don't.

There is no reason for this picture to ever exist. But it does. Thanks, internet!

It has been a while since I hit you with an animal sex fact, dear reader. But I imagine my coworkers are probably tired of me sharing them at random intervals throughout the day, so now you get a taste. Of the facts. Not the fruit fly sperm. Jeez, you're gross, dear reader. By which I mean I love you. And here is a picture of a fruit fly. And its giant sperm.

I am not sure what is going on at the end there.

Until next time!

Fun Fact Friday - False Facial Features

Holy balls, Batman, that was a shit-ton of alliteration! Almost too much. But today's fun fact is so fucking fun that I couldn't give a flying fuck if Robin and Batman think if used too much alliteration.

Fun fact: Tycho Brahe, the perhaps not super well-known but most interesting Danish astronomer, lost his nose in a duel and wore a false metallic one in its stead.

Handsome.

I already knew about Tycho Brahe's proclivity for hiring dwarves. If you did not, you should perhaps look into this science man and all his space observations because I am only going to tell you about his duel with his cousin over a mathematical equation.

Actually, that is about all you need to know. Young Tycho and his darling cousin, Manderup Parsberg (because apparently that is a name), got into several quarrels about maths and ended up whipping out their swords and ultimately losing a nose. The conflicting reports start at what Tycho's nose was made out of. It was alleged during his lifetime that Mr. Brahe really classed up his face with precious metal noses - silver, gold, perhaps on very special occasions a diamond studded platinum piece - but after his death, in the name of science, Tycho's remains have been examined. And that green stuff found on Brahe's face leads one to believe it was copper.

Really, grave diggers? You couldn't have let a dead man have the dignity of having a badass gold nose? Sure, they can say that Tycho mostly wore a brass nose because it was lighter and only whipped out the silver nose when he wanted to impress Kirsten Jørgensdatter or his drunken moose, but I like to believe that a man who hung around with psychic dwarves had the class to wear an extra expensive nose daily.

Tycho Brahe's moose, who I have decided to name Moosenfoose.

I may have lost you with all the talk of dwarves and drunken moose, but hey. I only promised you one awesome fun fact. If you would like to learn the tragic tale of how Mr. Brahe's moose tied one too many on and died tripping down some stairs, may I recommend finding your own super-powered dwarf? Perhaps one that can commune with the dead.

Fun Fact Friday - Mile High Club

I keep forgetting it's Friday today, dear reader, which means I am also forgetting you, which I could feel bad about but have chosen not to. I know, I'm a bitch. There's really no helping it.

Fun fact: The first hot air balloonists were a duck, a sheep, and a rooster.

The year: 1783. The Montgolfier brothers had been experimenting with balloons. They had successfully launched another unmanned balloon a few months earlier, but now... now on this fine September day it was time to take a fresh, bold step toward the future of flight.

So they chucked some animals in a basket and said, "Hey, good luck, chums! We'll maybe see you in a few minutes." The flight lasted eight minutes and apparently landed safely, but I have found absolutely zero sources that assess the mental well-being of the animals.

I have also found no sources that explained why they wanted two birds and a sheep. You'd think if Laika the Space Dog can handle going into orbit by herself (and then dying by herself, alone in space) then the sheep could handle eight minutes of confused basket floating without her trusty companions, duck and cock.

Please note: This is not Laika. This dog is alive in space. And not biting my throat and killing me in my sleep. So we're all safe. It's fine. It's fine!

By which I mean to say, perhaps the balloon launchers were hungry for a dinner of sheep, rooster, and duck and just thought it might be nice if they all died together. In a balloon crash. Or perhaps they thought it would be a romantic getaway for the farmer's polygamous beasts. Or maybe the rooster was a malicious asshole that abducted his barnyard buddies in a twisted revenge plot because he was certain that the sheep had helped the duck seduce the sexiest of the hens when really the hen, the duck, and the sheep were just very close book group pals.

By which I really mean, science sometimes just doesn't answer the questions I want answered. Like was the sheep name Lucille? I just imagine it that way.

Flirting in German - Underpants

As promised, I have taken the bold, fresh step that many of today's prepubescent youth take: offering unsolicited tips on the youtube.

What better day to launch a German language/flirtation series than on the eve of August 1st, Swiss National Day? Probably actually on August 1st. Womp, womp.

Fun Fact Friday - A Nightmare

I have decided to do something crazy dear reader and I hope you will forgive me I am writing this interblahg post sans punctuation You probably noticed already I feel fucking weird and I do not like it It has to do with the fun fact though so try and bear with me I am already trying to bear with myself Holy fuck this feels unnatural

But before I get to the fun fact I feel honor bound to apologize for my long absence It's not you It's me But you may be glad to know that I plan to start a lovely instructional video series on how to flirt on one year of German I know it doesn't sound sexy and truth be told it probably will not be So look forward to that But now for the fun fact

Fun Fact There was no punctuation until the fifteenth century

I miss these delicious fuckers

You may be sitting there thinking holy shitballs Batman because you do not have the energy to even be euphemistic without the sweet sweet promise of punctuation I am right there with you you beautiful bastard Yes living without modern plumbing was probably a drag But punctuation too Holy shitballs Batman

According to my in depth by which I mean very brief internet research there was some punctuation Like Chaucer would throw the occasional period into the Canterbury Tales but commas and shit were not standard fare And to think I get upset that the promotional materials for the the amusement park I work at never use the oxford comma

In any case dear reader I hate to cut this interblahg somewhat short after such a prolonged absence but it is as hard as the penis of a lonely adult virgin to type like this I am sorry I made the poor decision to do this I am sorry I put you through this Oh the shame The goddamn shame

Fun Fact Friday - Long Lost Buttons

Fuck, I love buttons! But not belly buttons (or as wikipedia tells me some misguided people call them, tummy buttons). I think they're kind of gross. They're all dark and wrinkly, like the prunes of human anatomy. Today's fact, however, is about belly buttons. Or rather, the conspicuous lack thereof.

These look so delicious.

Fun fact: Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

At first, I was shocked and bewildered to learn that fun fact, but be heartened to know, dear reader, that he was not another Superman. He was just a man who had some sort of surgery on his stomach that happened to result in the absence of a belly button.

Apparently it is not entirely uncommon. I found a BBC news story about a Czech model who had no belly button and was not, according to her agent, "'an alien.'" That is reassuring.

That Czech lady's stomach. Because having zoomed in pictures of one's abdomen posted all over the internet is everyone's dream.

But pictures of belly buttonless abdomens are less reassuring. I thought, since I am vaguely disturbed by the buttons, I would find smooth stomachs comforting in some way. But not really. I mean, at least I don't think it will explode. Which is how I think about normal belly buttons. Because I have a large number of irrational fears. Which is why I probably should not have decided to write about belly buttons. Because now I am thinking about my own. And what would happen if it just happened to come undone. And I need to go soak my eyes. Farewell, dear reader. Farewell.