Satire Saturday - MathemaTRICKS!

Math.

If you're still with me, congrats. Some people do not care for the mathematics. Or knowledge in general, it seems. I am speaking, of course, of Fox News.

Fox has long shown us their distaste for math. I speak of course of that time they decided polls could add up to 120%.

That pesky math!

But now, Fox News is lashing out against the distributive property. I recommend the full six minutes of video. You'll want to violently lash out at inanimate objects in your general vicinity, but you'll gain a new perspective on the state of American education:



Putting aside for a moment the obvious failure of American education in that five reasonably successful television personalities say they don't think they can do math at a fifth grade level even when presented with written instructions and an example problem, we must confront the indoctrination of children in schools.

Scholastic (and teachers) clearly want to raise a bunch of little communists by distributing "Distribute the Wealth" worksheets to fifth graders.

Then again, they do also have a worksheet called "Money! Money! Money!" I don't know about you, but I smell the stench of capitalism on that one.

Gah! Scholastic! You're fucking everything up by trying to have semi-creative but ultimately lame names for math exercises! And now I don't know if you think kids should share their money or should hoard it all away with unabashed enthusiasm.

But regardless of Scholastic's bias, I think we can all agree that math is inherently biased toward the liberal agenda. I mean, the "Distribute the Wealth" worksheet is about the distributive property after all. I think we'd all feel safer if it were called the "fuck socialism property" or the "only pussies give a shit about the less fortunate property." It would probably be better if we gave up on math altogether and just said, "God did it!" It worked for science education after all.

Of course, Fox News isn't just against bias in the math world. They advise vigilance against history books that contain factual information. Of all the nerve!

Also, I think it's worth noting that Scholastic is a little too into cocks.

It seems to me like a certain publishing company is in bed with the gays too.