Fun Fact Friday - Feeling Fishy

I spent what could be considered an irresponsible amount of time learning about Goldfish snacks today, dear reader. But I do really think a visit to the wikipedia page on Goldfish is well worth it. For example, did you know that Gilbert (the pretzel fish) is often a worrier? And did you know that some pink fish named Candace has the hots for Gilbert? Yeah, she wants to shed her gametes with him. By which I mean I have a very limited understanding of goldfish reproduction.

Gilbert, trying to get busy with George Washington inside a vacuum.

But lucky for you, neither of those counted as your fun fact. The wikipedia page on Goldfish has some citation issues, and as amusing as I find Swimmington Von Stuffington III, Esq., it would be irresponsible for me to enliven you with dubious information about his unconfirmed sexual predilections.

Fun fact: Goldfish started smiling in 1997.

"I'm so goddamn happy you're going to eat me alive." - Finn T. Goldfish

What a year! I was six - in the prime of my life - and suddenly my food started trying to seduce me. The little fishy faces were all smiles and winks, and I was taken in. Those delicious little bastards had their fins around my heart.

At this point I'd like to note that I am not affiliated in any way with the Pepperidge Farm brand or its products. I just didn't know when crackers became anthropomorphic and thought I might share that with you, dear reader. "The snack that smiles back" campaign was a product of the nineties, and a risky venture given the "food without a face" slogan many vegetarians live by.

But here we are, 17 years later and I don't remember a time when fish didn't grin as I chomped their tiny heads off. At least goldfish haven't gone as far as E.L. Fudge cookies. Those elves make terribly lewd gestures at me. I can't handle it. It just feels wrong to put them in my mouth. Almost like a reward for those little devils.

Fast Eddie wants to double stuff you. Gross.

Until next time, dear reader. And may your new year have fewer solicitous elves.