Fun Fact Friday - Mooper Bowl

If you're thinking that rather sloppy pun of a title has something to do with cows and football, dear reader, you're right. I award you a gold star for life. I can tell it's a proud moment for you.

GOLD STAR!

Speaking of pride, I am proud to tell you that I know that footballing is happening this weekend. NPR told me all about it earlier today. But I thought maybe I would give you another sports fact to add to that one that I did that other time.

Fun fact: To make all the footballs for the NFL's yearly supply, the leather of 3000 cows is required.

"Why, hello!" - Cowson McUdders

Now, I know very little about football, so I am not sure how many balls the men need per game. I've always found my three balls of steel are enough to keep me going through any sort of physical activity. That's right. I have three balls. Of steel.

But this whole 3000 cows thing seems like kind of a lot, and it got me thinking, and not just about how pigskin is a really stupid name for something now made of cow. Animal misnomers aside, I am about to revolutionize football. No more balls. Cows. Live cows. The goal: move a cow into your end zone. Six points. There will be no extra point. There will be no field goal attempts. There will simply be a cow. And then, at super bowl time, the cow will be on stilts. Because the steaks are higher.

Yeah. A cow on stilts.

Now I award a gold star to me because I enjoyed that pun. And perhaps you have not enjoyed these puns, the lowest form of humor. But I don't care, dear reader, because I have amoosed myself.

Secular Sunday: Biblical Lesson 2

Yesterday my parents had a bunch of random Catholic people in my house. If you have found me on the Twitter, you already know it was not a great day for feminism or my employment-related self-esteem, but it was a great day for Jesus. And it all got me thinking: it's been a long time since I added to my boiling down the Bible series. In fact, I've only done one part. And that was a year ago. (You can find it here if you're so inclined.)

In any case, I got out my lady Bible, by which I mean it is actually a gendered Bible. On the cover anyway. I don't think it contains more specific language about how I need birth control for my complete lack of libidinal control, but it is pink. Like my lovely lady bits, which are also where I store it. To keep the devil sperm away.

Just chillin' with my lady Bible and my nuclear emergency preparedness calendar.

Devil sperm aside, I found us a lovely passage that my Bible told me (yeah, it tells me things like Tom Riddle's diary, don't worry about it) I should read today. I'll give you the text and then the takeaway.

The text:

And when they had come to Capernaum, those who recieved the temple tax came to Peter and said, 'Does your Teacher not pay the temple tax?' He said, 'Yes.' And when he had come into the house, Jesus anticipated him, saying 'What do you think, Simon? From whom do the kings of the earth take customs or taxes, from their own sons or from strangers?' Peter said to Him, 'From strangers.' Jesus said to him, 'Then the sons are free. Nevertheless, lest we offend them, go to the sea, cast in a hook, and take the fish that comes up first. And when you have opened its mouth, you will find a piece of money; take that and give it to them for Me and you.'

Well, we've learned several things today, dear reader:

1) Jesus always knows when you are going to ask him about tax evasion.
2) Much like George W. Bush, Jesus had fun nicknames for his bros.

and, most importantly

3) Fish are rich little bitches that have been holding out on me.

"I'm so rich, I've got gold fucking fins." - Rainbow Fish

Enjoy your day, dear reader. I'm going to learn how to fish.

Fun Fact Friday - Criminal Sentence

Before I get to the fun fact for today, I have a personal confession to make. Sometimes I read grammar books to try to help me fall asleep at night. That's not so bad, right?

"Right," I like to imagine you saying, dear reader, "unless of course you're some kind of freak who isn't put to sleep by grammar books." I am exactly that kind of freak. I get all excited that I'm almost to the page that talks about interrobangs. Then somehow I'm still awake and reading about comma splices. "Wow," I sense you are saying, dear reader, "comma splices? Really?" Really.

This is Klaus. He is surprised and confused just like you.

You're probably thinking terrible things about me, dear reader. And you probably have a strong sense of foreboding about where this fun fact may be going. And you are probably asking, "You read grammar books and start sentences with conjunctions?" I do. And I am not ashamed. I also sometimes enjoy sentences fragments. But only sometimes.

Now we've gone and spent much more time discussing the fact that I am a freak who cannot sleep than I planned to. "So why didn't you go back and rewrite that‽" you're probably yelling at your computer screen. (You're terribly judgmental today, dear reader. Calm down!) But now we're really just wasting more time. To the Fun Fact Mobile!

Fun fact: You can make a sentence with nothing more than buffalo.

"The fuck do you want?" - Scary Buffalo

At this point, I like to imagine you looking over your shoulder to see if there is a buffalo there. Because there might be. Buffalo!

But enough of these semi-paranoid shenanigans, you probably want to know what the hell am I talking about. A prison sentence? Of only buffalos? With cups of tea? No. A grammatical English sentence. And now I sense you are skeptical that this fun fact will actually be fun, dear reader. After all, I already lied to you about how there might be a buffalo behind you. Or did I? You should probably check again.

"I'm so sassy." - Sassafras T. Actually-A-Bison

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Sentence! Magic! Exclamations!

It is probably one of my favorite sentences, but I often forget how many buffalos I need for it to really work. We've got three kinds of buffalo: the city of, the animal, and the verb.

And now I've said the word "verb." You are sad and sassy. Like Sassafras. But there is a verb version of buffalo, which basically means bully; then you've the noun, which is technically only the first scary picture of a buffalo above, but is often used to mean bison; and finally there is the depressing place in upstate New York, so...

Buffalo bison Buffalo bison bully bully Buffalo bison.

Or if you like it a little more clearly stated:

Buffalo bison, whom Buffalo bison bully, bully other Buffalo bison.

If you have read this far, I'd like to congratulate you. And reward you with another picture of what is not technically a buffalo.

"You wish you were this majestic." - A buffaloing Buffalo buffalo

Fun Fact Friday - The Most Interesting Man in the World

No, dear reader, this is not about that bearded man who only sometimes drinks beer. In fact, I don't understand how sometimes drinking beer really qualifies him for that title. But that is neither here nor there. And while the claim I am about to make may be ranked similarly to the interesting beer beard man on Edward R. Murrow's Completely Real Scale of Hyperboles, I don't care. The most interesting man in the world is dead. And his name was General Daniel Edgar Sickles.

"Where's my meme, bitches?" - General Sickles

If you are one of my die-hard Latvian phishing site fans, you may remember that I have written about General Sickles before. He and his leg carried out one of the greatest love stories in American history. You can find that romantic tale here. But if somehow that beautiful account was not enough to crown him the most interesting man in the world, then I have today's fun fact to convince you.

Fun fact: Daniel Sickles was the first person to use a temporary insanity defense after he murdered his wife's lover in 1859.

"You know what else is insane? My top hat. Damn, I look good." - General Sickles

I know, it is a strong start to defending my case. But in this case, the details really flesh out the story.

Sickles was married to Teresa Bagioli and was almost 20 years her senior. And sure, Sickles reportedly brought a prostitute with him to England to meet Queen Victoria in his pregnant wife's stead, but when his wife got fresh and frisky with another man? Well, murder was obviously Sickles' only form of recourse against notorious ladies' man Philip Barton Key II after Mr. Key boned his wife.

"Teresa loves a good mustache ride." - Philip Barton Key II

And Philip Barton Key II? Yeah, he was the son of Francis Scott Key, who was the lyricist for the national anthem. And Daniel Sickles was a sitting congressman at the time! And when he went to jail, he got to keep his weapon and entertain his many visitors in the jailor's apartment because he was so fucking popular after he shot the man who cuckolded him.

"I'm facing a different way for this picture. I may have gone temporarily insane, but I pose like a BAMF." - General Sickles

But the biggest scandal for the American public at the time? It was not the fact that Sickles was acquitted on this new defense. It was that after everything, Sickles forgave his wife. That brought him the bad PR, which made him join up for the Civil War and lose his leg. And then later he was one of the architects for the corrupt cabal in 1876 election, one of the most fraud-ridden elections this country has seen, that brought Rutherford B. Hayes into the presidency.

So that's your whirlwind tour of the life of General Sickles, who I spent the better part of the week obsessing over. Because he and his mustache are much more interesting than beard beer man. And I will defend that claim until I meet my own untimely end at the hands of the world's next most interesting man, the future monorail baron, Eric Von Tittenweiler.

Fun Fact Friday - Healthy Skepticism

Whenever I dig fun facts out of the annals of the internets, books, or ornate chests riddled with obscene hobo code warnings, I try to find a little background info. Because a lot of fun facts are actually lies. Lies, I say! Just keep that in mind for today's fun fact. And also for life.

Even though it looks like a duck, this is hobo code for free telephone.

Fun fact: The world record for the book most often stolen from public libraries is Guinness World Records.

Before you assault me through the interwebs with indignation, I would like to acknowledge that some sources claim the Bible is the most commonly stolen book from libraries. I really prefer stealing my Bibles from hotels. It should also be noted that many librarians say they frequently lose books about witchcraft, UFOs, and the occult. Apparently people try to personally censor their local libraries' collections. For Jesus, I assume. Stealing in the name of Christ is almost as good as killing in the name of Christ, but obviously lacks the real gusto that God was going for.

"I totally stole this sheep. And now I'm gonna go steal some books. And kill some hobos." - Jesus

All deities aside, what really intrigues me about today's fun fact is that it seems to imply that at one point Guinness World Records awarded this record to Guinness World Records. It's like a play within a play, a picture within a picture, a Droste effect of world records! And it is very suspicious.

Now, I've seen these world record certifiers that Guinness sends out. They're all official with their patches and clipboards. But it is a charade! Do you really think they actually measured that creepy lady's freakishly long fingernails? They didn't. They took her word for it. Because that is disgusting. And what the hell does she do with her days? Her fingers get in the way of everything hands related. And how does she shower? Or scratch her ass?

I was going to do a picture of creepy nails lady, but she scares me. So here are some cuddles.

I'm not saying that Guinness World Records isn't the most stolen book. After all, I am a certified badass, which I self-certified. I had to. Because even though I am a badass, no one else was giving me a certificate. So maybe Guinness World Records is on the mark for this fact. On the other hand, most stolen library book does not appear to have made the cut for 2014 categories. Much like how the fingernail lady takes care of unfortunate itches, the most stolen library book may be a mystery for the ages.

Fun Fact Friday - Feeling Fishy

I spent what could be considered an irresponsible amount of time learning about Goldfish snacks today, dear reader. But I do really think a visit to the wikipedia page on Goldfish is well worth it. For example, did you know that Gilbert (the pretzel fish) is often a worrier? And did you know that some pink fish named Candace has the hots for Gilbert? Yeah, she wants to shed her gametes with him. By which I mean I have a very limited understanding of goldfish reproduction.

Gilbert, trying to get busy with George Washington inside a vacuum.

But lucky for you, neither of those counted as your fun fact. The wikipedia page on Goldfish has some citation issues, and as amusing as I find Swimmington Von Stuffington III, Esq., it would be irresponsible for me to enliven you with dubious information about his unconfirmed sexual predilections.

Fun fact: Goldfish started smiling in 1997.

"I'm so goddamn happy you're going to eat me alive." - Finn T. Goldfish

What a year! I was six - in the prime of my life - and suddenly my food started trying to seduce me. The little fishy faces were all smiles and winks, and I was taken in. Those delicious little bastards had their fins around my heart.

At this point I'd like to note that I am not affiliated in any way with the Pepperidge Farm brand or its products. I just didn't know when crackers became anthropomorphic and thought I might share that with you, dear reader. "The snack that smiles back" campaign was a product of the nineties, and a risky venture given the "food without a face" slogan many vegetarians live by.

But here we are, 17 years later and I don't remember a time when fish didn't grin as I chomped their tiny heads off. At least goldfish haven't gone as far as E.L. Fudge cookies. Those elves make terribly lewd gestures at me. I can't handle it. It just feels wrong to put them in my mouth. Almost like a reward for those little devils.

Fast Eddie wants to double stuff you. Gross.

Until next time, dear reader. And may your new year have fewer solicitous elves.