Fun Fact Friday - Fashionista Edition

If you ever find yourself living with a seamstress, you may find yourself in close contact with a large variety of aggressively distasteful prom dresses. If that happens, you may also find yourself accidentally sharing the shower with sequins. You won't have invited them in there, but they will be there. Watching you.

Just imagine this in your shower to understand my life.

In any case, all the prom dresses around me and this year's unfortunate sequin incident - which, to be honest, was less unfortunate than last year's - have left me with fashion on the brain. And this one won't involve any presidents. Once you see the fun fact, you'll be grateful of that.

Fun fact: The world's most expensive bikini is worth $30 million.

I would have shown it being modeled, but I could only find pictures of FDR wearing it...

Well, damn! It's made entirely of diamonds. No fabric. Because why waste time with fabric when you can wear nothing but rocks. And hey, this way you can be a 10. On the Mohs scale.

That's right, nerds. That one was just for you.

Fun Fact Friday - Recycling!

Why, hello! You may be expecting a fun fact about recycling. And I am sure there are many of those, I just don't happen to know any. Or have the energy to look one up. So I am recycling a fun fact which I originally posted a few years ago instead. Please enjoy this trip down memory lane with a man who has been on my mind lately - Teddy Roosevelt.

Fun fact: Every member of Theodore Roosevelt's family owned a pair of stilts.

Teddy: unaware of the inevitable stilt based disappointment his future held.

I have seen the familial stilt ownership explained by TR's children, who evidently loved to have adventuresome playtime. I assume that Teddy and his lovely wife, Edith Kermit (yes, Kermit) Carrow, were simply practicing for the circus.

I like to believe that Theodore hoped to join the circus for much of his life, which is why he cultivated such a fine mustache. During his presidency, Theodore stayed in training, ever hopeful that upon his retirement from politics, Barnum and Bailey's Circus would find a place for the routine he and Edith had perfected: Theodore and Edith's Stilted Waltz. It was a beautiful, lilting dance, but by the time the Roosevelt administration came to an end, ragtime music was at the height of its popularity. Circuses had no place for the act. Dejected, Theodore destroyed all photographic evidence of the routine and threw his own stilts into the Potomac.

Of course I have no proof that any of that is true, but isn't it pretty to think so? And I have not come across any other explanations for Theodore's stilt possession. Or his mustache...

Well, there you have it. Our thirteenth sexiest president, just rocking out with his pince-nez and Pillsbury face. Until next week, dear reader!

Fun Fact Friday - Bouncing Balls

I must warn the faint of heart that today's fun fact pertains to sports. Also to history. Also to underwear. And no, you're not dreaming. This shit is real.

Fun fact: Anne Boleyn watched Henry VIII play tennis in his underwear.

"Tennis? Sure. Just let me grab my balls." - Henry VIII

Before you think the royals indecent, I must tell you the tennis court was indoors. But I am disappointed to report that I have been unable to uncover little else about this pantsless pastime.

With so little to go on, I like to imagine that Anne cherished her time watching Henry play tennis in his underwear. Goodness knows, she was probably just relieved he was doing something in his underwear that wasn't trying to impregnate her with the next king of England.

"Put the mouse back in the house." - Anne Boleyn (after an unfortunate tennis mishap)

In any case, I have a much better view of Henry VIII now. I mean that figuratively of course. I don't think I would actually prefer viewing Henry in his underwear. I just meant that playing sports in nothing but a jock redeems him ever so slightly for killing some wives. Not all the way. If he wanted that kind of redemption, he really should've considered bobsledding in the nude.

Fun Fact Friday - Cat Lady in Training

There is a certain stigma that people associate with cat ladies, but I have long been a proud cat lady in training (or, as I prefer to say, C.L.I.T.). But if this interblog is about anything (it's not), it's about breaking down barriers. And that is what today's fun fact will do.

Fun fact: Every year Americans spend more money on cat food than they do on baby food.

And I have never been more proud to be an American. Because cats.

My kitteh is fancy as fuck.

I'd like to see a baby in a top hat look that good. Actually, I don't think I care to see a baby in a top hat. And some of you may be aghast right now, but I will not feel shame. My fellow C.L.I.T.s and I should not be made to feel shame. Americans should be spending more money on cat food than on baby food. Because cats are better than babies.

I will not take that back.

Please enjoy this list of reasons why cats are better than babies:

1) Babies do not poop in boxes. Cats do.

2) Cats can eat off the floor without it being an issue for protective services.

and, if any other reason were required,

3) On car rides, you can put cats in cages.

Obviously I have more reasons, but if you say any of these to people who wonder why you'd rather have cats than kids, they will probably leave you alone. Maybe forever. And I really don't care. Because I have this face to come home to:

Until next time, dear reader.

Fun Fact Friday - Cereal Liars

I am in quite a huff. A huff that will likely not even be healed by Fun Fact Friday. Probably because it is this very fun fact that has gotten me in such a huff!

Fun fact: All-Bran is 87% bran.

"Everything I have ever told you is a lie. I am not all bran. And I don't love you." - Phineas E. All-Bran

This is worse than the day I discovered JC Penney was not JC Penny. And that was a devastating day.

These ones are probably even less bran.

Sure, you might not eat All-Bran. I don't. I like pooping to be a challenge. But it just makes me think about all the cereals that have probably lied to me over the years. Maybe I shouldn't judge them all by the All-Bran standard of deception. But what if Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is not cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

"I'm not cuckoo. I'm just somewhat excitable." - Sonny

What if Baron Von Redberry preferred blueberries? What if Snap, Crackle, and Pop prefer to be known by their Swiss names of Piff, Paff, and Poff? And worst of all, what if Tony the Tiger is actually a panther who painted his orange stripes on to sell cereal?

I just can't deal with all this pain. I mean, I always knew Lucky Charms cereal wasn't magically delicious. But now All-Bran has turned on us? This is a pain that cannot be healed. Not even by a gentle stroke of the thigh from the Quaker Oat man.

Fun Fact Friday - Lappish Leaks

I've never been to Lapland, dear reader, but I hear it's lovely this time of year. On a related note, my Finnish-themed strip club, which is also called Lapland, is lovely any time of year. Stop in today!

But enough of co-ed naked strippers. We have more exciting things to attend to. I am, of course, referring to this week's fun fact.

Fun fact: There is an old Lappish measurement, poronkusema, which refers to the distance a reindeer can walk before stopping to urinate.

"Oh, hi." - Ernest T. Reindeer

Apparently poronkusema has now come to refer to something that is an indefinite distance away. Which is actually good because the internet can't seem to agree if reindeer have to stop every 4.5 or every 6 miles to take a leak. Having never urinated with a reindeer, I can offer you nothing more certain.

But this also brings up the fact that reindeer cannot walk and pee at the same time, which is often cited as the reason that this term exists. I would have thought it really had more to do with their small bladders.

But now I am wondering what animals can walk and pee at the same time. I am pretty sure I have never seen anything walk and pee at the same time. I have personally never tried, but I imagine that for humans, walking and peeing at the same time would be messy. So maybe reindeer can walk and pee at the same time, but they just don't want to have urine all over their legs.

"You really think I want to pee all over myself?" - Bertram T. Unimpressed

I am vaguely offended that it is suggested reindeer can't do something, when in fact they might just want to be neat and fine smelling to impress their reindeer friends. Goodness knows that is why I don't pee all over myself. It's for you, dear reader. It's all for you.

Fun Fact Friday - Meh

Woah. Look at all the enthusiasm in that title. And in that woah. But fear not, dear reader, this fun fact is, in fact, very fun.

Fun fact: In Japan, sheep are said to say "meh."

"Meh." - Sheep E. Woolworth

That's right! Sure, we all thought that roosters had the best global variations in noisemaking, but I am afraid the title must now go to sheep. And I know it was fun to run around screaming "bah" when you played the classic children's game known as Supreme Sheep, but we have something far better now.

They would wave their hands in the air like they just didn't care, but they care even less than that.

Now we can imagine legions of apathetic sheep. And that is all I have ever wanted.