Fun Fact Friday - Side Order of Uranus

Hello, dear reader! I hope you're enjoying the end of this year. I hear 2014 will have 50% more naked time for you. I, myself, am moving to a nudist colony, so I expect a substantial increase in naked time as well. You may be saying, "But Jes, it's December. And I happen to know you live in a colder clime." I applaud what could be considered your somewhat creepy attention to the details of my life, dear reader. But I find winter in New England is the perfect time to move to a nudist colony. I've never been very good at volleyball, so it is nice to enjoy the indoor activities I imagine nudists occupy their time with. Like Monopoly! And reading fine literature while eating finger sandwiches.

But it's cool if you stand in front of the bushes and masturbate. Don't worry.

Nudist colonies aside, I have the final fun fact of 2013 for you today, dear reader. And I have even put on my party galoshes for such a fine occasion.

Fun fact: Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side.

Uranus is really lovely this time of night.

I hope you find this fact useful for formulating somewhat immature, but informed, space pickup lines. "Are you wearing space pants?" is a beautiful and well-crafted line because your ass certainly is out of this world, but I find that I yearn to have more fact-founded flirtations. Maybe by the time 2014 comes along, I will have thought of something more elegant than "I hope Uranus rotates on my side." I'm not even sure how that hopes to be sexy. I'll work on it.

Perhaps the fact that Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope is a better flirtatious fact. "I wish I had a telescope, because I'd like to get a closer look at Uranus..." That has a certain cachet, I think. Feel free to try and get lucky with either of those, but I encourage you to craft your own. I'd love to hear anything you come up with. I hear nudists love planetary pickup lines.

And I hope these Uranus facts bring you the confidence you need in the coming year, dear reader. Giving people more space has never been so easy.

Fun Fact Friday - Will Shortz's Wet Dream

You're looking very attractive today, dear reader. And I am feeling very attractive inside my little heart. What a day!

And what a day tomorrow will be! If you've seen the Google doodle, you know that the first crossword was published a 100 years ago tomorrow. I can just imagine NY Times crossword editor Will Shortz popping open a bottle of champagne and puzzling to his heart's content tonight. And I've done a crossword fun fact before, but today, because of tomorrow, I'll give you another one.

Fun fact: The world's largest crossword puzzle has over 91,000 squares and over 24,000 clues.

"I hung this too high." - Sweater Lady

You can actually buy that shit. On the interwebs. Or in stores. In fact, I filed in one clue on a copy of the world's largest crossword puzzle that a store had on display. So yeah, I am pretty cool. Thank you for thinking that, dear reader. So few people do.

So that puzzle, measures about 49 square feet. But there is another big-ass crossword puzzle in the Ukraine.

"Oh, hi. I'm just a crossword puzzle. On the side of a fucking building." - Big-ass Puzzle

So if you are looking for a way to kill some time, I recommend either one of these. Sure, the building one has fewer squares, but it's also in Cyrillic. So it would take you a good chunk of time, I imagine. Good luck!

Fun Fact Friday - Monopoly on Fun

I once had a monopoly on fun, dear reader. Then Teddy Roosevelt kicked my ass. I wrote him a strongly worded letter in response, which began a period of pen palling around. Our correspondence quickly became romantic. I shan't go into details, but we had a long, lurid affair that puts all other presidential affairs to shame. But it all ended in heartbreak, dear reader. I won't say for whom. I've probably already said too much.

"They don't call me a Rough Rider for nothing!" - Teddy

In any case, I no longer hold the monopoly on fun. But I do have a fun fact for you. About monopoly. I know, it's kismet.

Fun fact: The longest game of Monopoly played in a bathtub lasted 99 hours.

Naked Monopoly? I wish I knew. I've confirmed this fun fact with many sources, but none of them have any details.

"But were they naked‽" - Uncle Pennybags

As I have no answers, I like to believe that Teddy Roosevelt and I played that epic game of bathtub Monopoly. It was so long ago that sometimes I forget how the breakup really began, but it seems very likely that Teddy Roosevelt and I got into an irreconcilable spat after such a long and brutal bout of Monopoly.

The game was new when T.R. and I played our record setting game, but it has not been broken in the hundred or so years that have since passed. I guess most people understand that bathtub Monopoly only leads to heartache.

"When I play bathtub Monopoly, I wear only my mustache." - Uncle Pennybags

Well, until next time, dear reader, may your life be filled with fun and may your bath be filled with James K. Polk and a travel edition of Scrabble.

Fun Fact Friday - Crème de la Cock

You're filthy, dear reader. I know what you're thinking, and I am appalled. Today's fun fact is about roosters!

He was going for an elegant shot for his dating profile.

Sometimes, when I've had an off day, I like to look at pictures of roosters on the internet. And then I have a nice giggle fit. Because I'm basically a giant child. And so yesterday, when I was sitting around, just browsing rooster photos to enliven myself, I thought I would brighten your day with a hearty helping of cock and a fun fact.

"I'm so rustic right now. You don't even know." - Rooster McPants-McManahan

Fun fact: Lady chickens can eject rooster sperm if they decide they've got something better going on.

Well, hold the phone. That sounds like a damn handy skill. Every once in a while, I learn an animal fact that really makes me doubt the benefits of my species. Sure, I have thumbs, but who needs thumbs when you're a bird? Flying around, pecking out eyes, ejecting sperm....

This is what I like to imagine roosters look like in the post-apocalyptic hellscape we've been promised.

Also, as a bonus fun fact, I'd like you to know that when roosters try and woo the ladies, they do a little rooster dance. Which is called tidbitting. And then the hens are all sitting around saying, "Damn, look at Frankfurt tidbit! I wish I weren't already spermed up courtesy of Ralph. He can't tidbit like that!" And then they don't have to have Ralph's sperm because they eject the sperm! And can get with Frankfurt. Or someone else. Because there are 25 billion chickens in the world. So why settle?

"No one has to settle. I'm here." - Henry T. Pompadour

You don't have to settle either, dear reader. There's a whole wide world out there. And if all else fails, there's an internet full of roosters.

Fun Fact Friday - Drunk as a Skunk

I've been having quite the bout of insomnia, dear reader. On the bright side, it gave me plenty of time to work on my VeggieTales parody, which can be seen here if you'd like to take a gander. It also gave me some inspiration for today's fun fact, which is sleep related.

Fun fact: Drunk people are more likely to snore.

One of these two is drunk. Your call.

You know how whiskey dick is a thing? It's basically the same for your face/tongue/larynx. By which I mean your face can't get an erection. By which I mean I actually went to bed at five in the morning last night and I hope your face never has an erection. And this fun fact has taken a turn for the worse. And there are skunks and your larynx is all tired and not as much air can move so it gets all noisy like Joseph Pujol's breathing ass and be careful of the sleep apnea and dear, sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster, I think it is best if we just end right here before this fact gets weirder.

"I just want to be in love." - Skunk T. Skunk

So Many Vegetables, So Little Time

You may or may not remember an essay I posted a few months back, dear reader. It was on the longer side, but tragic confessions of troubled cucumbers are often a bit rambling. In any case, because my ass is unemployed, I made it into a weird little video, which you may or may not enjoy.

Fun Fact Friday - Flush Today Goodbye

I organized some buttons today, dear reader. Because I lead a rich and full life. And what better way to celebrate life than with toilets?

Fun fact: Most toilets flush in E flat.

A toilet, modeling.

At this point I like to imagine you running to your fine set of tuning forks and then rushing to the restroom. I myself thought of finding my tuner, but I think it may be in a shed. And it is a somewhat brisk fall evening in the wilds of New Hampshire. I can't be bothered to rummage around in a cold, dark shed so I can attempt to check if my toilet does, in fact, flush as one particular note. I can't help feeling it would also be somewhat cruel of me to visit Stanley, my long-neglected trumpet, just to leave him wallowing outside while I gallivanted about with the tuner. I can imagine him trying to curl deeper into the lining of the case to fight off the cold and muttering to himself, "I wonder what she's going to use the tuner for. Is she playing something else? After all we've been through? I don't ask for much, but I wish she'd blow me once in a while!"

Stanley and me, in better times.

It's probably been four years since I even touched him. We used to spend holidays together - Halloween, Christmas, and the entirety of National Goat Cheese Month. His heartbreak is raw without me adding to his pain. So I just can't do that kind of shit to Stanley in the pursuit of toilet knowledge, dear reader! I hope you'll understand.

And in any case, I am only one person. My toilet would prove nothing alone. I cannot tune all the toilets in the world. And I am also unable to fathom why this fun fact came into existence. It seems more useless than my usual fare of frivolity. I have no personal experience to corroborate it with.

But if you wish, dear reader, you can polish your tuning forks and plop down next to the toilet. You could flush again and again, listening for the wonderful, life-affirming consonance that means your arrangement of Beethoven's 3rd with a part for a potty can finally be played. You could, in my stead, see if your toilet sings a clean, clear E flat when called upon. But when your loved ones inquire after your wellbeing, may I recommend not mentioning that you're tuning the toilet to spare a tender trumpet's heart?

Fun Fact Friday - Acting the Goat

Marbits, bananas, dolphins, toilet paper, John D. Rockefeller, and face arsenic!

"Goodness! What a fine list!" I like to imagine you yelping. Thank you. It is a lovely list and any one of those would have probably made a perfectly adequate subject for today's fun fact. But I was being fickle and rather hard to sate, which I hear are desirable qualities in any potential mate. So good for me. And you. You might not be able to tell, dear reader, but I am using my seductive voice. And winking. For you.

But enough of these lists and my somewhat aggressive internet flirting! To the Fun Fact Mobile!

Fun fact: Goats have accents.

"Holy shit!" - Gulliver T. Goat

I'm sorry if I just blew your mind. I'll give you a minute to put it back together. Because I am going to blow it again. But first, here is another goat. To melt your heart while you reassemble your mind.

"I'm the cutest fucking thing you've ever seen." - All baby goats ever

Elephants and dolphins apparently also have accents! I mean, we all knew people could get accents. But animals?

Goat, goat, goat, goat, goat!

Apparently goat accents were discovered by researchers from Queen Mary University in London last year. I like to believe that this is not what they set out to study. Mostly because it is a weird thing to set out to study. But now that we know goats have accents, I really think it would be worthwhile to find out if goats think certain types of goaty accents are sexier than others.

A ranking of America's sexy accents. Human accents. Not goat accents. But it is still worth noting that it is wrong.

Also, I don't have a whole lot else to say about goats. But I want you to see this:

I like to imagine that if I were a goat, I would be that goat. Sure, I'm kind of a dick, but look at me doing flips and shit!

Related: If anyone wants to help me steal that goat, which lives in Maine and was called an "asshole" by the Huffington Post, I'm free pretty much whenever.

Fun Fact Friday - The Fastest Growing Hair

You think it's pubes, don't you, dear reader? I'm here to tell you it's not.

Fun fact: Beard hair is the fastest growing human hair!

A handsome, bearded motherfucker.

I know this will come as a surprise to my large audience of impatient, pre-pubescent boys. Give it time, gents! You'll be scruffy soon enough! My beard hair, however, may never grow. It's something I am trying to accept.

But the really fun part of this fun fact will blow your beard clean off and into your spaghetti! A lifelong pogonotrophist (beard-grower/non-shaver) could grow a beard that is up to thirty feet long. I would do so many things with a thirty-foot beard.

Rocking presidential whiskers. And faraway eyes...

Let's for a moment, imagine me as an old lady. With a beard. (Because yeah, I don't need a penis, just a beard.) I'm just walking around town on a blustery day with my beard scarf keeping me warm as toast, when ahead of me, I see a sexy younger man trip. And fall. And slip off an icy bridge into frigid waters below.

Now, I'm old. My lifeguard swimming skills have long since become a thing of legend. But my beard? Strong. Like floss. And maybe you don't think floss is strong, but it is. Try tying someone up with it. You'll see. But back to this sexy man and my sexy beard. So I see this guy, let's call him Henry because the man of my dreams happens to be named Henry, fall off the bridge. I hobble over and throw my beard to bedraggled Henry.

"Sir, grab my beard!" I exclaim as I brace my body against the bridge. Henry struggles through the cold water, slowing all the while, but finally reaches out and takes hold. He climbs up my beard while anxious passersby help to hoist my beard back onto the bridge. When we finally get my shivering Henry over the railing, I swaddle him in my beard. He murmurs a quiet thank you before succumbing to the exhaustion his ordeal just produced.

Now, I know what you're thinking, dear reader. I am planning to live the blissful life of a bearded cat lady. But there comes a time in every cat lady's life where she must herself become a cat of sorts: a cougar. And now I like to imagine you asking, somewhat incredulously, "But Jes? What about your beard? Who would ever fall in love with a much older, bearded woman?"

Besides, of course, my ever-doting cats.

The answer to that, I am pleased to say, is Henry. Henry would.

But he can't. Because my beard hair will probably never grow. And Henry will slip, fall, and plummet into the river. I'll try to save him, but I'm doomed to fail. Then I will return home to my future cats, Roosevelt 1 and Roosevelt 2. I will stroke their fine kitty whiskers and murmur, "If only, if only..."

Happy Beardvember, dear reader.

Flirting in German - Halloween Edition

I know it has been a while since we've got our flirt on, dear reader. But what better time than Halloween? Sometimes it's easier to flirt if you at least look like a superhero...

So learn some sassy (and probably somewhat correct) German and get out there!

Fun Fact Friday - More Than a Mouthful

There are Halloween facts all over the place, dear reader. But I want something special for you. Something fun. That doesn't involve the percentage of people who plan to hand out candy. Because people no longer give me candy. So those facts are no longer fun. But, of course, it turned out that what I thought was just going to be a delightful little fun fact has its own kind of macabre twist.

Fun fact: Barmbrack is a traditional Halloween fortune-telling bread.

Barmbrack trying wicked hard to tell your fortune.

I know, at first take, this fact doesn't seem that fun. I mean, last year I told you about turnips for fuck's sake! How could Barmbrack ever be as fun? Because it had choking hazards baked right into it!

Barmbrack, a semi-sweet bread with raisins and sultanas, was baked to be eaten as part of a Halloween feast and had trinkets inside it. Whatever bric-a-brac came in your slice of Barmbrack was meant to indicate your year ahead. The objects generally included a pea, a bit of cloth, a coin, a stick, and a ring. And don't worry there was something for everyone: riches, spinsterhood, or even a year of wife beating! Oh, tradition!

But the ring? Oh, the ring!

Damn, reader! You look nice today. So, what do you think?

As you might have imagined, the ring in your slice meant you'd be wed within the year. Please enjoy this sample sentence that illustrates what a fucked up Halloween tradition this is a part of:

"Everyone longed for the ring which meant certain marriage before the year ended even if you were only five!" - CatholicCulture.org

So there's that.

But beyond the obvious problems with serving up slices of spousal abuse and child marriage, I wonder what happened if you got conflicting symbols in the same slice of bread. What if you got the rags and the coin? Or the pea of spinsterhood and the ring? I mean, when I bake bread I stir everything up very well. Baking and shit! Also, I don't like sticks in my bread.

I feel obligated to point out that at some point there was also a saintly symbol stirred into the mix, which was supposed to indicate that the winner of that slice would go on to religious life. That particular symbol has apparently been rejected in the modern version of the tradition. But the wife-beating stick? Nah, let's leave that in the fucking cake.

Secular Sunday - Om Nom Nom

Earlier this week an old chum of mine saw this:

You may be too distracted by the bold claim obscuring the rear window to notice that you can learn more about tasty, tasty pets at what I have found to be a surprisingly low-budget website.

To save you the trouble of downloading the file about preparing your pets for dinner, I have some excerpts:

Bonus surprised animal, clearly warranted.

There was some shit about Noah's ark and God telling bitches that we could eat any of the creatures because that's what he made them for. But then later he apparently changes his mind about the pigs... I don't know. Fickle, I guess.

I would like to note that the "PETS ARE DELICIOUS MEAT" campaign provides no recipes. Come on! Those recipes aren't on instagram! And some of you may be saying, "But, Jes! You're Swiss! And this truthful grace lady says your people have been om nom nomming cats and dogs for years!" Unfortunately, the Pikant Katzen recipe is not one that has been passed down in my family. If pets really are delicious meats, I would think this lady should have some meat pies and shit I could make. She does not, which is just rude. Rude, I say!

Also, I think this is the first time I've been told to eat pussy for Jesus.

Fun Fact Friday - Undying Thanks to Croatia

You may or may not know this, dear reader, but men in ties are handsome. Bow ties, long ties, twist ties... I just... sometimes I can't handle the handsomeness.

Fun fact: Neckties were first worn in Croatia, which is why they are called cravats.

Get it? Cool. That's really all of the fun fact info I have, but I wanted to say thank you to Croatia. For bringing me this:

Smile.

And this:

Snicker.

And this:

Smolder.

Related: Nothing soothes a woman's heart like Brian Williams in a purple tie.

Fun Fact Friday - Sweet, Sweet Justice

You may have thought, dear reader, that I squandered an opportunity last week. The Supreme Court had started its fall term, and I blathered on about murderous kittens. And I don't often do Supreme Court fun facts because not many people have t-shirts for their favorite justice like I do. It would have been the perfect excuse.

But you underestimate me, dear reader. Today was another conference day. Another perfect day for a fun fact. And I promise you it's fun. Don't give up on me now. After all, last time I did a SCOTUS fun fact, there were strippers involved. That's right. Strippers.

Fun fact: Three Supreme Court justices - Salmon P. Chase, Felix Frankfurter, and Warren E. Burger - shared their names with food.

"Babe, I wouldn't mind being caught on your hook." - Salmon P. Chase

"I'd love to slide into your buns." - Felix Frankfurter

"Just cover me in mustard and swallow." - Warren E. Burger

I know. Supreme Court justices say the filthiest things to me! I don't know what it is. Maybe they enjoy my briefs. I really can't be certain.

But high court come-ons aside, they have food names. And if the rumors about Ruth Bader Ginsburg looking towards retirement turn out to be true, I'm hoping President Obama will look at appointing someone else with a delicious name. Like Rebecca Bean. Or Elizabeth Chocolate Syrup. Then we'd really know how sweet justice can be.

Surprised Animal Sunday

I'm starting a thing. It's going to be like pregnant people incessantly posting pictures of their swollen stomachs on the Facebook.

That's right. It's going to be huge.

By which I mean, probably not. But I do hope, dear reader, that you will enjoy it.

For awhile I have been assaulting a former coworker of mine with pictures of surprised animals. And holy shitballs, it has been rewarding. Emotionally. Because surprised animals.

Fun Fact Friday - Kittens of Doom

"Woah! Kittens of doom‽" I like to imagine you exclaiming whilst you braid your extra long armpit hair. You see, dear reader, in my mind you are very engaged in reading this interblag and a bit of a freak. And I know the facts don't bear that out. The google masters say that you should actually be part of some Latvian phishing scam. But I don't like to think of you that way. I like to think of you as a part-time nudist, a full-time sassy mentor, and someone who should perhaps find hobbies that don't include extreme body hair manipulation. But enough about you! There are kittens to discuss!

Holy fuckbuttons! They're spooning! Flurbinkgutskunk!

Fun fact: People once believed that cats stole babies' breath.

By which I mean to say that people think cats are murderers. And yes, cats are violent little killers. Scientists did a study that said cats are the deadliest motherfuckers out there. But killing human babies? That seems a little farfetched. Not farfetched enough to mean that people don't still believe it. But what do you want? People to be rational? I'm sorry. You seem to be in the wrong place.

The superstition seems to go back to people thinking cats were witches' bitches. Or, if you're into folkloric terminology, familiars. Basically cats would go out and do witches' bidding, which obviously includes killing babies.

Underpants.

A coroner's report from 1791 actually cited strangulation by a cat as the cause of death. And sure, we can all sneer and say, "That was the 1700s!" but four years ago some doctors writing for the Houston Chronicle said that cats get wicked jealous of newborns and sit on their faces. To murder them. That's right. Pediatric experts said in the year 2009 that they think cats are capable of premeditated murder. Because cats have mens rea written all over their smug little faces.

Murder, I say! Murder!

And I don't know where I planned to go with this fun fact, dear reader. We started with your armpit hair and somehow ended up with doctors providing a new, if implausible, "ripped from the headlines" plot twist for the writers of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. But here we are. And my beloved cat, who I have affectionately nicknamed Pooper, is still wandering in the wild outdoors. Which is a terrible shame because I desperately need to hug him and tell him that I know that if he were going to murder me he surely would have done it by now because I snuggle the bejeezus out of him when he would really prefer to be sleeping. And he's a cat. He's a fucking cat. Who honestly would probably appreciate it if a baby appeared and starting shitting everywhere because then my unemployed ass would have less time to relentlessly assault him with cuddles. But here we are, my dear Latvian phishing scheme reader. Here we are.

Fun Fact Friday - Hang On To Your Pants

Every once in a while I find myself at a loss for what fun fact I would like to share with you, dear reader. And then, as is so often the case in life, underwear swoops in to save the day.

My hero.

You may or may not remember, dear reader, that I've talked about underwear a few times before. But can you blame me when there are so many underwear facts out there? And trust me, most of them are fun. But today I focus on the future of underwear.

I just hope the future of underwear does not look like this. Ever.

Fun fact: Scientists have been developing special bacteria to eat underwear in space.

Okay. Space underwear is already way cooler than earth underwear. I mean, it's motherfucking space underwear. But then you don't even have to wash your underwear anymore? That's pretty awesome. But before I get all of our hopes up, dear reader, you should know that there apparently haven't been many developments in the realm of underwear-eating bacteria since the late nineties.

And don't be fooled by the headline of this Kentucky newspaper from 1998. The Russian scientists were still working on ways to perfect underwear consumption.

Front page news in 1998 Kentucky. Just below a picture of children building a brick Christmas tree. True story.

Anyway, scientists wanted to dispose of underwear by having bacteria it eat and then produce methane that could be used for spacecraft energy. Underwear piles up more in space than it does in any given college dorm room, I suppose. Because apparently space also has rules about how often astronauts are allowed to change their underwear, which I did not see in Apollo 13. Thanks, Ron Howard. Just see how much of Cocoon I believe now.

So disappointing. Just like space underwear.

Animosity toward Ron Howard aside, where the hell did all this underwear-eating bacteria research go? If burning up underwear on reentry wasn't good enough in the nineties, are we letting ourselves settle now? I mean, I know the space race is over, but NASA, come on, if you're not investing in shuttles anymore maybe we can beat the Russians on this whole space underwear thing. For science! For honor! For underwear!

Fun Fact Friday - Shiny, Shiny, Shiny!

The Emmy Awards are this Sunday, dear reader. I have again been passed over for best TV viewer, which is incredibly disconcerting. But whatever. It's fine. It's not like I need some silly award to give my life meaning or anything. But it's gold and shiny and holds a thing in the air.

"You're right! I am gold and shiny and hold a thing in the air!" - The Emmy Statuette

But it has inspired my fun fact. You may have noticed that I don't normally do fun facts about the television. I don't want it to get an even more inflated ego than it already has, what with people staring at it all the time. It already struts around feeling fancy as fuck. But today I will make an exception. Mostly because this fun fact also has to do with Congress, so you know it can't get that exciting anyway.

Fun fact: Robert Byrd, former senator from West Virginia, took to the Senate floor in 1967 to protest the cancellation of Gunsmoke.

"God, we're manly. And have really big dicks." - Gunsmoke guys

Turns out, CBS actually didn't cancel Gunsmoke that year. But it likely didn't have anything to do with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Also, I know almost nothing else about Gunsmoke. But it was probably better than The Waltons. Fuck, I hate that show.

Well, until next time, dear reader, imagine yourself swimming in shiny, shiny things. And not with Robert Byrd. Because seriously.

Fun Fact Friday - Roosevelt's Recipes for Chocolate Covered (Garlic) Balls

Why, hello! May I say that you are looking simply lovely today, dear reader? Now I'm all aflutter! I'll try and pull myself together enough to tell you today's fun fact. But damn, you look good!

Fun fact: Eleanor Roosevelt ate three chocolate covered garlic balls a day.

This was the only picture the google had of chocolate and garlic. Womp, womp.

I know it sounds delicious, dear reader, but Eleanor Roosevelt did it to boost her memory apparently. Doctor's orders. Her doctor was probably just trying out some weird metaphor to get some oral play from Eleanor that didn't work out. And then FLOTUS went home, plopped some garlic in chocolate, and nibbled on her creation while she sang nursery rhymes to her secret squirrel tattoo. Maybe.

I suspect Eleanor also ate the chocolatey garlic to ward off Depression era vampires. Because vampires aren't sexy. Just so we all know. One time I went to see this lady who claimed to be a vampire. She was fucked up. Not sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt? Well, she was sexy.

"I know this is a dog, but I can get pussy, too." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I know I just threw a lot at you, but all you really need to know is that everyone thinks Eleanor Roosevelt was sexy. Even if her breath sometimes smelled too much like chocolate covered garlic balls.

Fun Fact Friday - Pac-Man Uncontrollably Guzzling Cum

Hello, dear reader. You may recognize the title of this interblagh post from Cards Against Humanity, which is a great, if perhaps slightly vulgar, game. This fun fact will not be about that.

But it will be probably more profane than usual because I may or may not have just sent an expletive laced message to the monitors of the LinkedIn support forum. But you should also know that after I frantically typed "fuckballs" in the general direction of the support staff, I also said I was sorry and that they probably smelled wonderful. So it all evens out. Anyway.

Fun fact: Pac-Man, created in 1980, was originally going to be called Puck Man.

Then they realized Puck Man was awfully close to Fuck Man. And people would probably deface all their games to say Fuck Man.

Especially when they realized that Fuck Man really does look like he is eating globules of semen.

And when they realized he loves cherries.

And again when they realized that Fuck Man and Ms. Fuck Man strut around town without any pants on.

So they probably made the right call. After all, the song "Pac-Man Fever" peaked at number nine on the Billboard Hot 100. Yeah, that happened.