Presidential Beauty - Part 2

What could be more thrilling than another day of making a mockery of the executive branch? Maybe pie? Yes, probably pie. But I don't have any pie, so I am back to ranking the presidents on a purely physical level. If you missed yesterday's grand kickoff and would like to see the ugly ass mother fuckers that have been elected, may I recommend this followed by an eye bath.

37) Lyndon Baines Johnson

"Let's see that ass." - Lyndon Baines Johnson

LBJ had a buzzer system installed in the White House so that the secret service could warn him when his wife was coming and he could get his dick out of whatever misguided woman he had lured into the oval office. This is a classic example of "How did he get a wife AND all those other women?" President Johnson was not charming, kind, or - as I suspect you have noticed - handsome.

36) Abraham Lincoln

"I'll be your Great Emancipator." - Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln has long been regarded as the ugliest president, which I believe is a great misjudgment. So maybe Mary Todd wasn't crazy with lust, but let's think about what William McKinley looked like for a hot minute. And also, maybe Lincoln has a sexy body beneath that starchy suit.

35) George W. Bush

"I'd like to search for (and not find) your WMDs!" - George W. Bush

I just feel like puking whenever I see this fucker's face. But if I remove myself from my emotional revulsion for a second, I am willing to admit that my vomit reflex is not in response to any particular physical characteristic. That's not to say President Bush is handsome. He looks like a vindictive child in the (somehow pleasurable) throes of pooping, but he isn't as terrible looking as some other presidents.

34) George H.W. Bush

"I once lived in a whore house. Christ, I miss it!" - George H.W. Bush

When you put them right together like that, father and son look strikingly similar. And though I don't think Bush 41 won "Most Photogenic" in high school (or probably ever) he takes a better photo than his kid. More natural, I'd say. And he did once live prostitute adjacent. Which means bonus points.

33) Grover Cleveland

"I'll give you nonconsecutive orgasms." - Grover Cleveland

The only handsome thing about Grover Cleveland is his mustache. And maybe the smoldering eyes. Maybe.

32) Martin Van Buren

"Get on my old kinderhook!" - Martin Van Buren

President Van Buren, our eighth president, is kind of cute in an old person kind of way. He's no John Paul Stevens, but let's be real, if there were two JPSs, I would probably explode. From joy. Anyway, maybe Van Buren doesn't crack into the top rankings, but I kind of want to touch his hair. On his head. I haven't done enough research to provide a definitive answer on anything else.

That's it for our Tuesday romp with the presidents. But don't worry - there's another handsome mustache coming tomorrow. Until then, dear reader!