Presidential Pickups - Part 2

Here in New England, the biting cold of winter has become more earnest, reminding us all of our inevitable deaths. But what better way to warm oneself than with the fiery romance of presidential potential mates? So today, I bring you part two (part one is here or in the sidebar if you missed it) of this series in hopes that you will find the president of your dreams.

Andrew Jackson

The treasury knows this is the last face you want to see before a lap dance.

Sign: Pisces

Interests: Shitting on John Quincy Adams, posing for handsome (nude) portraits

Sexy Nickname: Old Thickory

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'm a man of the people, but I'd sure like to be your man."

Martin Van Buren

Look how good Van Buren is at holding things. Now imagine how good he'd be at holding you.

Sign: Sagittarius 

Interests: Dressing his Davy Crockett doll in frilly underthings, eating eggs in a sexy way

Proudest Accomplishment: Inventing the Dutch Oven

Preferred Pickup Line: "I made O.K. famous, but I'm better than that. In bed."

William Henry Harrison

Yeah, look at the size of his sword.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Dying, stripping in the cold, longwinded dirty talk

Sexy Electoral Slogan: Tippecanoe's Gonna Rock You All Night Long

Preferred Pickup Line: "I don't last long, but I feel pretty good."

John Tyler

He crumpled that newspaper like he's going to crumple your clothes and throw them on the floor.

Sign: Aries 

Interests: Sexy Whigs, sexy wigs

Seduction Spot: An abandoned wig factory

Preferred Pickup Line: "I am your manifest destiny. Also, would you mind wearing this wig while we do it?"

James K. Polk

The mullet makes the man.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Erecting phallic monuments to celebrate former presidents in hopes that he too will someday have a giant penis-esque memorial, forgetting the Alamo

Sexy Nickname: James K. Polk

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to annex your southern states, baby."

Zachary Taylor

Sometimes the artsy shots really drive the ladies/fellows crazy.

Sign: Sagittarius 

Interests: Eating cherries (not a euphemism), drinking iced milk (definitely a euphemism)

Seduction Spot: Rio Grande 

Preferred Pickup Line: "Sure, I'm rough and ready, but I can be tender, too."

Millard Fillmore

Fillmore picked out that chair himself.

Sign: Capricorn 

Interests: Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo

Sexy Nickname: Fillmore Ladies

Preferred Pickup Line: "I don't need a line with a name like mine."

Well, there you go, dear reader. Thirteen contenders down, only thirty to go. Tomorrow we'll get to look at Franklin Pierce (because let's be real, he's not good for much else), and we'll see what Abraham might have said to get you in his Lincoln bedroom.