Presidential Pickups - Part 5

We've had some raucous good times with these presidential suitors so far, but the men today have sexual reputations that precede them. While John Tyler stole a woman thirty years his younger from his son and Grover Cleveland fathered an illegitimate child before entering the White House, those stories are not the ones that have permeated the sexual mythos of the presidency. Today, on our list of potential mates we have such heavy hitters as FDR, JFK, and LBJ. Perhaps pervasive sexual stories circulate better when presidents have easily initialized names. Whether that claim pans out or not, I hope you enjoy your own chance to charm each of these fine candidates.

Warren G. Harding

Though he isn't smiling, you can tell his eyebrows are ready for fun!

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Teapots, maybe being poisoned by his wife, rapping

Sexy Nickname: President Hard-On

Preferred Pickup Line: "We will return to normalcy... also my bedroom."

Calvin Coolidge

This is Calvin Coolidge at his noisiest.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Having the best collection of presidential pets, whispering sweet nothings

Seduction Spot: Under the Vermont pines

Preferred Pickup Line: "I may be Silent Cal, but I can make you scream."

Herbert Hoover

Wrinkly suit, smoooooth skin.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Bursting bubbles, mining deep for buried gold

Favorite Position: Secretary of Commerce

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll be the Hoover, you be the vacuum."

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

A secret smile Franklin only wanted to share with you. And all the other women.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Bitch slapping polio, bitch slapping Hitler

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "No one's ever gone this long before!"

Preferred Pickup Line: "I raised this country out of the Great Depression, but you've raised me."

Harry S Truman

I spread this on my morning toast.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Showing newspapers who's boss,

Sexy Campaign Slogan*: "Pour it on 'em, Harry!"

Preferred Pickup Line: "The 'S' actually stands for saucy."

*This one is actually real. But still sexy.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

DDE took off his spectacles because you were so attractive he couldn't handle it.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Playing with Tricky Dick, paving the road to your heart

Sexy Nickname: Supreme Commander

Preferred Pickup Line: "You'll like little Ike, too."

John F. Kennedy

If I styled my hair like this, do you think I could get syphilis?

Sign: Gemini

Interests: Ladies, ladies, and ladies

Seduction Spot: Bay of Pigs

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to race into your space."

Lyndon Baines Johnson

A man whose modesty and elegance knew no end, Johnson named his penis Jumbo.

Sign: Virgo

Interests: Cursing, making people talk to him while he was on the toilet, slow dancing

Sexy Nickname: Just BJ

Preferred Pickup Line: "You know, I used to be Majority Whip."

Phew! What an exhausting whirlwind! I hope they've worn you out too - in the best possible way of course. And tomorrow, for Presidents' Day itself, Dick Nixon is slated to appear with Bill Clinton and President Obama. You can't afford to miss these final suitors! Until then, dear reader. Stay classy.