Presidential Pickups - Part 4

Even one day away from flirting with presidents seems like too much, doesn't it? I certainly know I was pining for Calvin Coolidge yesterday. But in all honesty, I do that almost every day. In any case, today we're back for round four of these presidential dating profiles, and if you haven't found the man you want to occupy your highest office yet, never fear. I've got some quality candidates today and more still to come!

Grover Cleveland

Our fanciest president reclines and reflects.

Sign: Pisces
Interests: Illegitimate children, Mugwumps, nematodes
Proudest Accomplishment: Having an eponymous disgusting sex act on Urban Dictionary
Preferred Pickup Line: "Don't worry, babe. Cleveland, Ohio, isn't named after me. Just the steamer."

Benjamin Harrison

Humanity knows no higher satisfaction than swaddling oneself in this man's luscious beard.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Grandfathering himself in, bushes and trees, taking a dump on Grover Cleveland's chest

Seduction Spot: So handsome it doesn't even matter where

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd violate the Sherman Antitrust Act to have a monopoly on your love."

Grover Cleveland (because who wouldn't take two shots at winning your heart?)

A mustache this bushy could not have consecutive terms.

Sign: Stop (Hammer Time!)

Interests: Being the bread of a Benjamin Harrison sandwich, getting candy bars named after his kids

Sexy Nickname: Mayor Mustache

Preferred Pickup Line: "I've totally done this before. But just the once."

William McKinley

Though the treasury will claim it's for practical reasons, they really stopped printing the $500 bill because of this face.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Electric ambulance rides, embroidered handkerchiefs
Seduction Spot: Cuba

Preferred Pickup Line: "Who needs a gold standard when I have you?"

Theodore Roosevelt

Though he promised America a Square Deal, TR looks more like a square meal. Yum!

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Riding rough, partying with bull moose, stilt walking

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "Tough as Nails, Tender with Females"

Preferred Pickup Line: "Let me be your Teddy bear."

William Howard Taft

Though this was the last real presidential facial hair, I like to spend lonely nights imagining Dick Nixon fluffing out a fine beard.

Sign: Virgo

Interests: Being stabbed in the back by Teddy Roosevelt, hot tubbing

Seduction Spot: Within the billowing folds of his SCOTUS robes

Preferred Pickup Line: "Since I'm Chief Justice, how'd you like to sit on my bench?"

Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson was very serious. About his love for you.

Sign: Capricorn

Interests: Ironing his smarty pants, liberty bond(age), embracing women (while opposing suffrage)
Sexy Nickname: Woody

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to introduce you to my fifteenth point..."

And as much as I am sure we'd all like to slip into Warren G. Harding's Secret Service guarded closet of seduction sooner rather than later, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to clamber upon that train to sexy town. I'll see you then, dear reader. When presidents are involved, there's always more flirting, more fun, and more filth to be found!