Presidential Pickups - Part 3

I find I look my best after shoveling about eight inches of snow out of the driveway. And because I look so damn good, it is the perfect time for wooing presidents. As promised, today we begin with one of the most handsome (if ineffectual) men to hold the nation's highest office. Also, this serves as fair warning that there may be tasteless (or, perhaps, delicious) jokes about assassination ahead.

Franklin Pierce

I don't know what it is about New Hampshire, but it makes some gorgeous ass people.

Sign: Sagittarius
Interests: Being an awful president, being handsome
Sexy Nickname: Franklin Piercing Stare
Preferred Pickup Line: "They say I'm a southern sympathizer, babe, but it's only because I want to feel your Georgia peach."

James Buchanan

Was Buchanan just shoveling his driveway? Because this is his best portrait ever.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: William Rufus King (allegedly), leaving the country in shambles

Sexy* Campaign Slogan: "Sex? Yes we BuCHANan."

Preferred Pickup Line: "I acknowledge no master but the law. You. I meant I acknowledge no master but you."

*ish

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln's chin strap beard is so you can strap in for a bumpy ride!

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Master debating, preserving unions, fine theater

Proudest Accomplishment: Having an eponymous weird sex act on Urban Dictionary

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to emancipate you from your pants."

Andrew Johnson

You can't tell, but this is a rare pants-less presidential portrait.

Sign: Capricorn

Interests: Soft snuggles, gentle whispers, impeachment proceedings

Sexy Nickname: Handrew Johnson

Preferred Pickup Line: "Well, Lincoln was shot, but I'd really just like to shoot my load."

Ulysses S. Grant

His name used to be Hiram, but his partners kept shouting "Ulysses" in bed.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Genrally genral-ing, beard grooming, bird grooming

Seduction Spots: Point Pleasant, Ohio; Missionary Ridge

Preferred Pickup Line: "My little big horn's not so little."

Rutherford B. Hayes

Little known fact: Inside Rutherford's beard was another, smaller beard.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Reconstruction, railroad strikes, cabooses

Sexy Campaign Slogan: Rutherford B. Hayes Is Risqué for Days

Preferred Pickup Line: "I stole the election, but you stole my heart."

James A. Garfield

Much like the cat, Garfield loved lasagna but hated dying on a Monday.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Bimetallism, bisexuals, bifurcated marsupial dongs

Unfulfilled Dreams: An educated electorate, having a threesome

Preferred Pickup Line: "I won an erection, so it's time to enter your House of Representatives."

Chester Alan Arthur

No president since has matched Arthur's whisker tickle skills.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Rivers and harbors, other wet bodies

Sexy Nickname: Chest Hair A. Arthur

Preferred Pickup Line: "You don't need any Pendleton Civil Service Reform, baby. You're perfect just the way you are."

And what could be more perfect than leaving you with a view of Chester A. Arthur, dear reader? Tomorrow we shall have a brief intermission from these fine flirtations for Fun Fact Friday! But never fear! Saturday I'll bring you a heaping helping of Grover Cleveland. And I hear he likes to come back for seconds.