Presidential Pickups - Part 1

If you hadn't noticed from the furniture and car sales, Presidents' Day is now less than a week away. You may remember that last year I used the week leading up to Presidents' Day to host my second presidential beauty pageant, featuring what some (by which I mean me) are calling the finest presidential puns this side of everything ever in the world. And though I will certainly re-rank the presidents in an objectifying manner in the future, I want to keep our relationship fresh, dear reader. Goodness knows, I've been in a relationship with you longer than I've been in any romantic one. (I know. It is shocking given the contentment I derive from farting in my bed.)

Personal habits aside, in an effort to keep the fire between us alive, I have prepared another presidential themed series. I've decided to set up little dating profiles for the commanders in chief, so you can figure out which prez is your perfect mate. I already know mine is James K. Polk. What can I say? I'm a sucker for mullets and pet wars.

George Washington

Warning: George rarely smiles. His repurposed animal teeth make him self conscious.

Sign: Pisces
Interests: Fathering countries, crossing the Delaware
Sexy Nickname: Mounted Vernon
Preferred Pickup Line: "I may come first, but you'll never forget me."

John Adams

Adams is holding those papers suggestively just for you.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Midnight appointments, tickle fights

Seduction Spot: A large vat of baked beans

Preferred Pickup Line: "I had the XYZ affair. Now I want a Y-O-U affair."

Thomas Jefferson

He wears furs for warmth, but silk for seduction.

Sign: Aries

Interests: Declaring independence, all things French

Sexy Nickname: AmbASSador J

Preferred Pickup Line: "The Louisiana Territory sure has a lot of beavers, but I just want yours."

James Madison

So many layers to remove, so little time.

Sign: Pisces

Interests: Fathering the Constitution, being your littlest spoon

Go-To Orgy Buddies: Alexander Hamilton, John Jay

Preferred Pickup Line: "Are you the first 10 amendments? Because everything about your bill is right."

James Monroe

Yeah. Those are his bedroom eyes.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Panicking like it's 1819, partying like it's 1999

Seduction Spot: 42nd Parallel 

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll give you an Era of Good Feelings, babe."

John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams, reclining in his natural habitat.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Foreign affairs, dirty (and I mean dirty) electioneering

Seduction Spot: On the shores of the Potomac after a morning skinny dip

Preferred Pickup Line: "Sixth president? More like Sexth president! No, I'm sorry. Please come back."

And on JQA's desperate and rather depressing pickup attempt, I shall leave you for today, dear reader, but more presidents will join us tomorrow to try to earn a spot in your heart. Oh, and, if you were wondering, "crossing the Delaware" is the preferred early American euphemism for oral.