Presidential Pickups - Part 6

Happy Presidents' Day, dear reader! Later I am going to celebrate by getting drunk and dancing naked in the streets like Calvin Coolidge used to. For now, I'll settle for celebrating by introducing you to the last of our presidential suitors.

Richard M. Nixon

When Nixon gave you the thumb's up, you knew it really meant things were going just fine.

Sign: Capricorn
Interests: Entomology, Elvis, edible underthings
Sexy Campaign Slogan: "You won't regret me. I promise."
Preferred Pickup Line: "I am not a crook, but I am fantastic lover."

Gerald Ford

In this picture you can actually tell that Gerald Ford was once handsome.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Pardoning Nixon, pardoning himself after particularly wild sneezes, prancing

Proudest Accomplishments: Beating Ronald Reagan in 1976 for the Republican nomination, in 2006 for the Longevity Award, and in 2013 for the Dead Presidents' Finest Sweater Knitting Contest

Preferred Pickup Line: "How'd you like to pratfall into my arms?"

Jimmy Carter

Cute. Just cute.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Being chased by a vicious swimming rabbit, lusting in his heart

Seduction Spot: Camp David (so many accords, so little time)

Preferred Pickup Line: "Would you farm my peanuts?"

Ronald Reagan

So much Amurica.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Frisky chimps, hot wars, trickling down all over your face

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "It's morning in America... after a great night with me."

Preferred Pickup Line: "My jellybeans are jiggling for you."

George H.W. Bush

I tried to read H.W.'s lips, but he doesn't really have any.

Sign: Gemini

Interests: Teaching Dan Quayle how to spell "potato," fathering awful children

Proudest Accomplishment: Getting Bushuru to be slang for vomiting in Japan

Preferred Pickup Line: "I found another point of light. In my pants."

William Jefferson Clinton

Like a fine cheese, Clinton has only improved with age. He's so damn handsome. 

Sign: Leo

Interests: Delicious vegetables, cigars, playing with pussies*

Sexy Nickname: Slick Willie

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll stain your blue dress. Hell, I'll stain any darn thing you wear, baby."

*But actually. See the bonus presidential picture I've included below.

George W. Bush

Still cannot look at this man without anger and revulsion. I hope that isn't a surprise.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Being spooned by Dick Cheney, deciding on decisions to decide, cheerleading

Proudest Accomplishment: Catching a large fish in his lake*

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to catch a bird or two from your bush. Heh, heh."

*I've gone and slipped in another actual fact. Because he said that. For real. I promise.

Barack Obama

You're right. I did find a great picture of the President. You're welcome.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Eating cupcakes with Helen Thomas, pretending to tolerate Congress, caring about health

Seduction Spot: White House Bowling Alley

Preferred Pickup Line: "Are you the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009? Because you've given me a big stimulus package."

Well, we made it, dear reader. I hope you found someone who suits your fancy. Unfortunately, if you're into women, I don't have a whole lot of product in that department. Hopefully with the next shipment of presidents, we'll get something with a bit more vagina. Until then, I invite you to reflect with wonder on Geraldine Ferraro. And to enjoy this picture of Bill Clinton and Socks, his lovely cat.

See. This is all I meant. Sheesh!

Well, until next time, dear reader. And may your presidents be as sexy as you are.