Fun Fact Friday - Refrigerator Romance

This week, Sonya Sotomayor had the distinct honor of being the first justice of the Supreme Court that I have ever dreamt about. Which is weird because I spend my days cutting out pictures of John Paul Stevens. It's not that I don't like Sonya; in fact, she gave me some great relationship advice while I rode her water slides, which I promise you is not as dirty as that made it sound. It's just that I never thought I'd dream of her before notorious SCOTUS heartthrob, JPS.

John Paul Stevens talking to the woman of my dreams, I guess.

But don't worry, dear reader, I won't be giving you a SCOTUS fun fact. After all the POTUS shenanigans, I think we could all use a rest from flirting with government types. But I thought maybe we could do a sleepy times fact. So that it is still related to my weird confession about Justice Sotomayor.

Fun Fact: It is against the law to sleep on top of a refrigerator in Pennsylvania. But only outside.

"Now, we got this new fridge, honey. But it is not going to come on our nature naps, okay?" - Daddy McFifties

There are a lot of crazy laws out there, and it is vaguely startling that I haven't done a fun fact about any of them yet. After all, some friends and I dyed margarine pink once because it is illegal in my home state of New Hampshire. (Also, I sure hope we're past the statute of limitations on that. It would really ruin my badass reputation if I got jailed for something so trivial.)

But I think I try to avoid strange laws because, try as I might, I can never find any more information. Sure, this law is in a bunch of books and a lot of strange law websites, and it probably is real. But my delicious yogurt and I would feel a lot better if our searches on the Pennsylvania General Assembly's website turned up more than two laws (passed last year) pertaining to fridges.

American families still love to spend time together while leaving the fridge door open for no apparent reason.

I assume there is an explanation for this law that probably involves a drunk person and a fridge outside a Wawa. But I can't say for sure. The Pennsylvania General Assembly has thwarted me again! So until I find out otherwise, I'm going to assume this law was written because of something salacious. That's right. In my mind Pennsylvania is now overrun with nude people routinely sleeping on their lawn refrigerators. You might think that would be covered by indecent exposure. But when indecent exposure is concerned, I find fewer things are covered than you would expect.

"That nudity pun was so cool, I'm in a fridge." - Giraffe G. Raffington

Anyway, ball's in your court Pennsylvania. Or rather, your legislature!

And now I'm done. I promise.

Presidential Pickups - Part 6

Happy Presidents' Day, dear reader! Later I am going to celebrate by getting drunk and dancing naked in the streets like Calvin Coolidge used to. For now, I'll settle for celebrating by introducing you to the last of our presidential suitors.

Richard M. Nixon

When Nixon gave you the thumb's up, you knew it really meant things were going just fine.

Sign: Capricorn
Interests: Entomology, Elvis, edible underthings
Sexy Campaign Slogan: "You won't regret me. I promise."
Preferred Pickup Line: "I am not a crook, but I am fantastic lover."

Gerald Ford

In this picture you can actually tell that Gerald Ford was once handsome.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Pardoning Nixon, pardoning himself after particularly wild sneezes, prancing

Proudest Accomplishments: Beating Ronald Reagan in 1976 for the Republican nomination, in 2006 for the Longevity Award, and in 2013 for the Dead Presidents' Finest Sweater Knitting Contest

Preferred Pickup Line: "How'd you like to pratfall into my arms?"

Jimmy Carter

Cute. Just cute.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Being chased by a vicious swimming rabbit, lusting in his heart

Seduction Spot: Camp David (so many accords, so little time)

Preferred Pickup Line: "Would you farm my peanuts?"

Ronald Reagan

So much Amurica.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Frisky chimps, hot wars, trickling down all over your face

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "It's morning in America... after a great night with me."

Preferred Pickup Line: "My jellybeans are jiggling for you."

George H.W. Bush

I tried to read H.W.'s lips, but he doesn't really have any.

Sign: Gemini

Interests: Teaching Dan Quayle how to spell "potato," fathering awful children

Proudest Accomplishment: Getting Bushuru to be slang for vomiting in Japan

Preferred Pickup Line: "I found another point of light. In my pants."

William Jefferson Clinton

Like a fine cheese, Clinton has only improved with age. He's so damn handsome. 

Sign: Leo

Interests: Delicious vegetables, cigars, playing with pussies*

Sexy Nickname: Slick Willie

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll stain your blue dress. Hell, I'll stain any darn thing you wear, baby."

*But actually. See the bonus presidential picture I've included below.

George W. Bush

Still cannot look at this man without anger and revulsion. I hope that isn't a surprise.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Being spooned by Dick Cheney, deciding on decisions to decide, cheerleading

Proudest Accomplishment: Catching a large fish in his lake*

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to catch a bird or two from your bush. Heh, heh."

*I've gone and slipped in another actual fact. Because he said that. For real. I promise.

Barack Obama

You're right. I did find a great picture of the President. You're welcome.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Eating cupcakes with Helen Thomas, pretending to tolerate Congress, caring about health

Seduction Spot: White House Bowling Alley

Preferred Pickup Line: "Are you the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009? Because you've given me a big stimulus package."

Well, we made it, dear reader. I hope you found someone who suits your fancy. Unfortunately, if you're into women, I don't have a whole lot of product in that department. Hopefully with the next shipment of presidents, we'll get something with a bit more vagina. Until then, I invite you to reflect with wonder on Geraldine Ferraro. And to enjoy this picture of Bill Clinton and Socks, his lovely cat.

See. This is all I meant. Sheesh!

Well, until next time, dear reader. And may your presidents be as sexy as you are.

Presidential Pickups - Part 5

We've had some raucous good times with these presidential suitors so far, but the men today have sexual reputations that precede them. While John Tyler stole a woman thirty years his younger from his son and Grover Cleveland fathered an illegitimate child before entering the White House, those stories are not the ones that have permeated the sexual mythos of the presidency. Today, on our list of potential mates we have such heavy hitters as FDR, JFK, and LBJ. Perhaps pervasive sexual stories circulate better when presidents have easily initialized names. Whether that claim pans out or not, I hope you enjoy your own chance to charm each of these fine candidates.

Warren G. Harding

Though he isn't smiling, you can tell his eyebrows are ready for fun!

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Teapots, maybe being poisoned by his wife, rapping

Sexy Nickname: President Hard-On

Preferred Pickup Line: "We will return to normalcy... also my bedroom."

Calvin Coolidge

This is Calvin Coolidge at his noisiest.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Having the best collection of presidential pets, whispering sweet nothings

Seduction Spot: Under the Vermont pines

Preferred Pickup Line: "I may be Silent Cal, but I can make you scream."

Herbert Hoover

Wrinkly suit, smoooooth skin.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Bursting bubbles, mining deep for buried gold

Favorite Position: Secretary of Commerce

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll be the Hoover, you be the vacuum."

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

A secret smile Franklin only wanted to share with you. And all the other women.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Bitch slapping polio, bitch slapping Hitler

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "No one's ever gone this long before!"

Preferred Pickup Line: "I raised this country out of the Great Depression, but you've raised me."

Harry S Truman

I spread this on my morning toast.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Showing newspapers who's boss,

Sexy Campaign Slogan*: "Pour it on 'em, Harry!"

Preferred Pickup Line: "The 'S' actually stands for saucy."

*This one is actually real. But still sexy.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

DDE took off his spectacles because you were so attractive he couldn't handle it.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Playing with Tricky Dick, paving the road to your heart

Sexy Nickname: Supreme Commander

Preferred Pickup Line: "You'll like little Ike, too."

John F. Kennedy

If I styled my hair like this, do you think I could get syphilis?

Sign: Gemini

Interests: Ladies, ladies, and ladies

Seduction Spot: Bay of Pigs

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to race into your space."

Lyndon Baines Johnson

A man whose modesty and elegance knew no end, Johnson named his penis Jumbo.

Sign: Virgo

Interests: Cursing, making people talk to him while he was on the toilet, slow dancing

Sexy Nickname: Just BJ

Preferred Pickup Line: "You know, I used to be Majority Whip."

Phew! What an exhausting whirlwind! I hope they've worn you out too - in the best possible way of course. And tomorrow, for Presidents' Day itself, Dick Nixon is slated to appear with Bill Clinton and President Obama. You can't afford to miss these final suitors! Until then, dear reader. Stay classy.

Presidential Pickups - Part 4

Even one day away from flirting with presidents seems like too much, doesn't it? I certainly know I was pining for Calvin Coolidge yesterday. But in all honesty, I do that almost every day. In any case, today we're back for round four of these presidential dating profiles, and if you haven't found the man you want to occupy your highest office yet, never fear. I've got some quality candidates today and more still to come!

Grover Cleveland

Our fanciest president reclines and reflects.

Sign: Pisces
Interests: Illegitimate children, Mugwumps, nematodes
Proudest Accomplishment: Having an eponymous disgusting sex act on Urban Dictionary
Preferred Pickup Line: "Don't worry, babe. Cleveland, Ohio, isn't named after me. Just the steamer."

Benjamin Harrison

Humanity knows no higher satisfaction than swaddling oneself in this man's luscious beard.

Sign: Leo

Interests: Grandfathering himself in, bushes and trees, taking a dump on Grover Cleveland's chest

Seduction Spot: So handsome it doesn't even matter where

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd violate the Sherman Antitrust Act to have a monopoly on your love."

Grover Cleveland (because who wouldn't take two shots at winning your heart?)

A mustache this bushy could not have consecutive terms.

Sign: Stop (Hammer Time!)

Interests: Being the bread of a Benjamin Harrison sandwich, getting candy bars named after his kids

Sexy Nickname: Mayor Mustache

Preferred Pickup Line: "I've totally done this before. But just the once."

William McKinley

Though the treasury will claim it's for practical reasons, they really stopped printing the $500 bill because of this face.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Electric ambulance rides, embroidered handkerchiefs
Seduction Spot: Cuba

Preferred Pickup Line: "Who needs a gold standard when I have you?"

Theodore Roosevelt

Though he promised America a Square Deal, TR looks more like a square meal. Yum!

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Riding rough, partying with bull moose, stilt walking

Sexy Campaign Slogan: "Tough as Nails, Tender with Females"

Preferred Pickup Line: "Let me be your Teddy bear."

William Howard Taft

Though this was the last real presidential facial hair, I like to spend lonely nights imagining Dick Nixon fluffing out a fine beard.

Sign: Virgo

Interests: Being stabbed in the back by Teddy Roosevelt, hot tubbing

Seduction Spot: Within the billowing folds of his SCOTUS robes

Preferred Pickup Line: "Since I'm Chief Justice, how'd you like to sit on my bench?"

Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson was very serious. About his love for you.

Sign: Capricorn

Interests: Ironing his smarty pants, liberty bond(age), embracing women (while opposing suffrage)
Sexy Nickname: Woody

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to introduce you to my fifteenth point..."

And as much as I am sure we'd all like to slip into Warren G. Harding's Secret Service guarded closet of seduction sooner rather than later, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to clamber upon that train to sexy town. I'll see you then, dear reader. When presidents are involved, there's always more flirting, more fun, and more filth to be found!

Fun Fact Friday - Five Years of Sweetheartache

I discovered today that when one is looking for fun facts about love, dating, and smooching to share with her very dearest reader, she will also find a somewhat significant number of facts about serial killers and homicides. I will not be sharing one of those facts with you today. They have their place, but not on a holiday that stems from Roman beliefs about bird mating habits and disparate Catholic stories of beheaded priests. No, today is a day for romance.

Fun Fact: The shelf life of Sweethearts is five years.

The worst part of any Valentine's Day.

If you enjoy sugary chalk and sending mixed messages, you may enjoy Sweethearts. And just think, you could be enjoying your Sweethearts long after your relationship with whoever gave them to you has turned sour. It's probably for the best. After all, they gave you candy hearts for Valentine's Day.

You deserve better than candy hearts, dear reader. Sometimes they say things like "AS IF," "NO WAY," and "LET'S DO LUNCH." Lunch? Really? That stings.

Five years of suffering.

And then there are the hearts that say "FAX ME." I don't know about you, dear reader, but no one has ever faxed me on Valentine's Day. And Sweethearts are just a cruel reminder. A cruel, five year long reminder.

So instead of terrible hearts from the very confectioners who still haven't improved on their Necco Wafer recipe since the Civil War, I got you this fun fact about the selfsame heart-shaped sweets, dear reader. Because what we have means that much to me.

I also got you this picture of a Sweetheart. It hasn't even been smudged off, so I'm not playing mind games with you.

Happy Valentine's Day, dear reader. You're better than Sweethearts.

And you smell fantastic.

Presidential Pickups - Part 3

I find I look my best after shoveling about eight inches of snow out of the driveway. And because I look so damn good, it is the perfect time for wooing presidents. As promised, today we begin with one of the most handsome (if ineffectual) men to hold the nation's highest office. Also, this serves as fair warning that there may be tasteless (or, perhaps, delicious) jokes about assassination ahead.

Franklin Pierce

I don't know what it is about New Hampshire, but it makes some gorgeous ass people.

Sign: Sagittarius
Interests: Being an awful president, being handsome
Sexy Nickname: Franklin Piercing Stare
Preferred Pickup Line: "They say I'm a southern sympathizer, babe, but it's only because I want to feel your Georgia peach."

James Buchanan

Was Buchanan just shoveling his driveway? Because this is his best portrait ever.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: William Rufus King (allegedly), leaving the country in shambles

Sexy* Campaign Slogan: "Sex? Yes we BuCHANan."

Preferred Pickup Line: "I acknowledge no master but the law. You. I meant I acknowledge no master but you."

*ish

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln's chin strap beard is so you can strap in for a bumpy ride!

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Master debating, preserving unions, fine theater

Proudest Accomplishment: Having an eponymous weird sex act on Urban Dictionary

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to emancipate you from your pants."

Andrew Johnson

You can't tell, but this is a rare pants-less presidential portrait.

Sign: Capricorn

Interests: Soft snuggles, gentle whispers, impeachment proceedings

Sexy Nickname: Handrew Johnson

Preferred Pickup Line: "Well, Lincoln was shot, but I'd really just like to shoot my load."

Ulysses S. Grant

His name used to be Hiram, but his partners kept shouting "Ulysses" in bed.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Genrally genral-ing, beard grooming, bird grooming

Seduction Spots: Point Pleasant, Ohio; Missionary Ridge

Preferred Pickup Line: "My little big horn's not so little."

Rutherford B. Hayes

Little known fact: Inside Rutherford's beard was another, smaller beard.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Reconstruction, railroad strikes, cabooses

Sexy Campaign Slogan: Rutherford B. Hayes Is Risqué for Days

Preferred Pickup Line: "I stole the election, but you stole my heart."

James A. Garfield

Much like the cat, Garfield loved lasagna but hated dying on a Monday.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Bimetallism, bisexuals, bifurcated marsupial dongs

Unfulfilled Dreams: An educated electorate, having a threesome

Preferred Pickup Line: "I won an erection, so it's time to enter your House of Representatives."

Chester Alan Arthur

No president since has matched Arthur's whisker tickle skills.

Sign: Libra

Interests: Rivers and harbors, other wet bodies

Sexy Nickname: Chest Hair A. Arthur

Preferred Pickup Line: "You don't need any Pendleton Civil Service Reform, baby. You're perfect just the way you are."

And what could be more perfect than leaving you with a view of Chester A. Arthur, dear reader? Tomorrow we shall have a brief intermission from these fine flirtations for Fun Fact Friday! But never fear! Saturday I'll bring you a heaping helping of Grover Cleveland. And I hear he likes to come back for seconds.

Presidential Pickups - Part 2

Here in New England, the biting cold of winter has become more earnest, reminding us all of our inevitable deaths. But what better way to warm oneself than with the fiery romance of presidential potential mates? So today, I bring you part two (part one is here or in the sidebar if you missed it) of this series in hopes that you will find the president of your dreams.

Andrew Jackson

The treasury knows this is the last face you want to see before a lap dance.

Sign: Pisces

Interests: Shitting on John Quincy Adams, posing for handsome (nude) portraits

Sexy Nickname: Old Thickory

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'm a man of the people, but I'd sure like to be your man."

Martin Van Buren

Look how good Van Buren is at holding things. Now imagine how good he'd be at holding you.

Sign: Sagittarius 

Interests: Dressing his Davy Crockett doll in frilly underthings, eating eggs in a sexy way

Proudest Accomplishment: Inventing the Dutch Oven

Preferred Pickup Line: "I made O.K. famous, but I'm better than that. In bed."

William Henry Harrison

Yeah, look at the size of his sword.

Sign: Aquarius

Interests: Dying, stripping in the cold, longwinded dirty talk

Sexy Electoral Slogan: Tippecanoe's Gonna Rock You All Night Long

Preferred Pickup Line: "I don't last long, but I feel pretty good."

John Tyler

He crumpled that newspaper like he's going to crumple your clothes and throw them on the floor.

Sign: Aries 

Interests: Sexy Whigs, sexy wigs

Seduction Spot: An abandoned wig factory

Preferred Pickup Line: "I am your manifest destiny. Also, would you mind wearing this wig while we do it?"

James K. Polk

The mullet makes the man.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Erecting phallic monuments to celebrate former presidents in hopes that he too will someday have a giant penis-esque memorial, forgetting the Alamo

Sexy Nickname: James K. Polk

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'd like to annex your southern states, baby."

Zachary Taylor

Sometimes the artsy shots really drive the ladies/fellows crazy.

Sign: Sagittarius 

Interests: Eating cherries (not a euphemism), drinking iced milk (definitely a euphemism)

Seduction Spot: Rio Grande 

Preferred Pickup Line: "Sure, I'm rough and ready, but I can be tender, too."

Millard Fillmore

Fillmore picked out that chair himself.

Sign: Capricorn 

Interests: Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo

Sexy Nickname: Fillmore Ladies

Preferred Pickup Line: "I don't need a line with a name like mine."

Well, there you go, dear reader. Thirteen contenders down, only thirty to go. Tomorrow we'll get to look at Franklin Pierce (because let's be real, he's not good for much else), and we'll see what Abraham might have said to get you in his Lincoln bedroom.

Presidential Pickups - Part 1

If you hadn't noticed from the furniture and car sales, Presidents' Day is now less than a week away. You may remember that last year I used the week leading up to Presidents' Day to host my second presidential beauty pageant, featuring what some (by which I mean me) are calling the finest presidential puns this side of everything ever in the world. And though I will certainly re-rank the presidents in an objectifying manner in the future, I want to keep our relationship fresh, dear reader. Goodness knows, I've been in a relationship with you longer than I've been in any romantic one. (I know. It is shocking given the contentment I derive from farting in my bed.)

Personal habits aside, in an effort to keep the fire between us alive, I have prepared another presidential themed series. I've decided to set up little dating profiles for the commanders in chief, so you can figure out which prez is your perfect mate. I already know mine is James K. Polk. What can I say? I'm a sucker for mullets and pet wars.

George Washington

Warning: George rarely smiles. His repurposed animal teeth make him self conscious.

Sign: Pisces
Interests: Fathering countries, crossing the Delaware
Sexy Nickname: Mounted Vernon
Preferred Pickup Line: "I may come first, but you'll never forget me."

John Adams

Adams is holding those papers suggestively just for you.

Sign: Scorpio

Interests: Midnight appointments, tickle fights

Seduction Spot: A large vat of baked beans

Preferred Pickup Line: "I had the XYZ affair. Now I want a Y-O-U affair."

Thomas Jefferson

He wears furs for warmth, but silk for seduction.

Sign: Aries

Interests: Declaring independence, all things French

Sexy Nickname: AmbASSador J

Preferred Pickup Line: "The Louisiana Territory sure has a lot of beavers, but I just want yours."

James Madison

So many layers to remove, so little time.

Sign: Pisces

Interests: Fathering the Constitution, being your littlest spoon

Go-To Orgy Buddies: Alexander Hamilton, John Jay

Preferred Pickup Line: "Are you the first 10 amendments? Because everything about your bill is right."

James Monroe

Yeah. Those are his bedroom eyes.

Sign: Taurus

Interests: Panicking like it's 1819, partying like it's 1999

Seduction Spot: 42nd Parallel 

Preferred Pickup Line: "I'll give you an Era of Good Feelings, babe."

John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams, reclining in his natural habitat.

Sign: Cancer

Interests: Foreign affairs, dirty (and I mean dirty) electioneering

Seduction Spot: On the shores of the Potomac after a morning skinny dip

Preferred Pickup Line: "Sixth president? More like Sexth president! No, I'm sorry. Please come back."

And on JQA's desperate and rather depressing pickup attempt, I shall leave you for today, dear reader, but more presidents will join us tomorrow to try to earn a spot in your heart. Oh, and, if you were wondering, "crossing the Delaware" is the preferred early American euphemism for oral.